Two Years Cancer Free and Surgery No. 10

Gosh, it’s been awhile since I’ve updated this blog, but reflecting, that’s a great thing. That means there has not been any treatments/surgeries since August. Whoo hoo!

I should have blogged on Dec. 1 as it was my two year cancer free birthday, but instead I was out in Las Vegas for the NASCAR year end awards banquet and did my own celebrating of this occasion. Two years is big. The doctors tell you that at the five year mark that if a cancer recurs, it is considered a new cancer, so that’s when you REALLY celebrate, but the two year mark is one where you can really breathe easier, because if the cancer comes back within that two year window, it is something to worry about. Thankfully, now I don’t have to worry about that. Here's a picture of me from the banquet - it's amazing how good you can look when you have your hair and makeup professionally done!

Back when I was spending every day of my vacation for medical treatments, I vowed that there was so much of the world I wanted to see before I died, so when I had the chance, I was going to travel more. Well, I tacked on three extra days to my Vegas trip and went with my friend Anne to Palm Springs. We drove from Las Vegas through the Mojave Desert to Palm Springs. Of all the things we saw on the trip, my favorite was Joshua Tree National Park. I’d need a whole other blog to tell you all we did, but it was a fantastic trip. The picture of me is at Arch Rock in Joshua Tree.

I also never blogged about my vacation I took in September. It was a dual vacation – to celebrate my 40th birthday and it was supposed to be celebration of being done with all my surgeries. When I planned it back in January 2011, I was supposed to have only had one more surgery in February 2011 and I’d be done. I never dreamed that from February to August, I would have four surgeries, two hospitalizations, three weeks of chemo-like antibiotics and four weeks of regular antibiotics to battle an infection topped off with six weeks of hyperbaric treatments. At least I was healthy enough to take the trip to St. Lucia. It was a week of heaven. No phone, TV or computer. We had our own pool, housekeeper and chef. We had magically refilling glasses all week and it was just a dream. Here's a link to the album of the trip if you'd like to take a look at all the fun: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2036694432224.2102810.1090111023&type=1&l=4b99cd2f56

Despite having all those surgeries this year, I’m still not done. On December 14, I will have another surgery for the breast reconstruction. It is called a fat transfer. While my right breast looks fine, the left one is still problematic from all the radiation and surgeries (i.e. scar tissue). It is not a round shape and has lots of indentations all over it. I still can’t wear a regular bra as I’m in a mastectomy bra with a small pad to look normal in clothes. The surgery is an outpatient procedure in the plastic surgeon’s office. He will take fat from my abdomen and over fill the breast, using 50% more than he needs as within 8 to 12 weeks 50% of it will reabsorb into my body. He said in most cases, this will need to be done twice to get the desired results. Hence I will need Surgery No. 11 in 2012. Ugh. I’m just so ready to put this all behind me.

My abdomen will be pretty sore plus he’s cutting out the areola on the left side as it is in the wrong place, so I this recovery won’t be a snap. I’ll be out of work for three days and a weekend, so I’m hopeful I can go back to work on the 19th.

Say a prayer for me all goes well with no infections/complications and that the pain is less than I’m expecting.

Thanks for your interesting in keep up with me and I’m wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Love,
Marcy

Better Than It Was Before

Good news following surgery No. 9…. No complications! I had surgery on Friday, August 19, stayed on pain pills for only 24 hours and went back to work on Monday, August 22. While I know I should have been taking it easy (and I did to a degree – no heavy lifting), I wasn’t able to ease back into work. With the race weekend only two weeks away, I ended up putting in close to 60 hours in 5 days. Not smart, I know, but right now work just demands that. Fortunately, I’m running on adrenaline, otherwise I’d be in more pain.

Speaking of pain, my dad just asked me this weekend how my pain was. I told him that not a day goes by without pain and it has been that way since I was diagnosed. I’ve gotten so used to it, that it has become a way of life. You don’t realize it’s an issue until you verbalize it and realize how not normal it is to be in pain every day. Unfortunately, there is nothing the doctors can do with my pain and it isn’t something I could take pain pills for. It is random stabbing pains that vary in severity and length. It hurts so much that I have to stop talking when it happens. It’s a bit embarrassing in front of people who don’t know me and then I feel obligated to explain. I assume it might get better with time, but I really don’t know. It’s a combination of many surgeries and radiation with nerves trying to regenerate and also dealing with scar tissue. God knows, that left side has been operated on way too many times and it just isn’t happy.

The bad news following the surgery is the breast still looks bad. You would think after the $1,500 gummy bear implant that it would be looking better. There are many areas he is going to have to work on to get it somewhat normal looking. I’m not looking for perfection; I just want it to look normal in clothes and we are still not there without some prosthetic assistance. Hopefully, when I see the doctor again after the race he will have a plan for the final surgery in December. Just pray for me that there is only one more!

I had really hoped I was going to be done with all my medical treatments before turning 40 which happens on Sept. 9. In my mind, life truly would begin at 40 for me. After these last two years, I have no issues turning 40 as I am incredibly happy to put my 30’s in the rearview mirror. I believe I have no where better to go than up in this next decade and you better believe I plan to make the most of it.

And here’s the first step that things will be better on the other side of this journey but I need to give you the backstory first. When I graduated college, my parents gave me a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring for my college graduation gift. It was the nicest piece of jewelry I ever owned and wore it almost every day. Sapphire is my birthstone and it is my favorite gemstone. Well, when I was going through chemo in 2009, I was so incredibly foggy all the time. Sadly, in addition to all that I lost during my cancer battle, I lost that ring. I was devastated. I looked everywhere and I have no idea what happened to it. I’m a very organized person and rarely ever lose anything. I don’t know why, but I lost the ring. And I was heartbroken. I decided after beating cancer, I was going to get my life back and part of that was getting a new ring. I’ve been looking for quite some time now. I almost bought a new ring as my not getting to go to Yellowstone consolation gift, but when my air conditioner broke, it wasn’t practical to spend the money. Heck, it isn’t practical ever to spend money like that, but it was mostly what that ring stood for. Cancer took it from me and I was going to get it back. Well, I celebrated my birthday early with my parents this weekend and they surprised me with a beautiful new ring for my 40th birthday. My mom has had it for eight months now, waiting to give it to me. I was so blown away. I told my mom that my goal for my life after cancer is “better than it was before.” And this ring is better than the one I had. It’s an amazing symbol for me to look at every day and make that promise to myself when I’m feeling down or doubting myself: BETTER THAN IT WAS BEFORE. While there are some areas I can’t change after my battle, in the areas I can, I plan to make the most of it.

I’m celebrating my 40th with a small get together with friends a favorite dive of mine on my actual birthday. I’m not big into making things about me, so I wanted it small, laid back and fun. I did decide to get a nice cake for my birthday and one of my friends from high school is a talented cake artist. She asked me about my concept and I told her I wanted a little bird because when I’m done with all my surgeries I will be “ready to fly.” This idea came from a gift my high school girlfriends got me when I first got diagnosed with cancer. They got me a Pandora bracelet with an angel charm to “keep me safe” during treatment. At little moments along the way they gave me other charms: a blue charm so when I lost my hair at least I still had my blue eyes; a pink ribbon and pink flowers for my fight; my initial M so I would never forget myself in the battle; a bead named “Inner Strength” and a kitty cat to give me comfort. I also added some own beads along the way: two crème beads to represent my two breasts lost in my mastectomy; the “Forget-me-not” bead for the hysterectomy (as I will never forget losing my ability to have kids) and the “Journey” bead for my one year cancer free. I purchased two more beads to complete the bracelet, but had been waiting to put them on it. The first one I bought was an owl for when I finally got my “Hooters.” So I got to put that bead on just this week. And the final bead is a little bird, so when I’m done, I’m ready to fly. I still have that bead stored away and I can’t wait to put it on the bracelet hopefully in December. While it is a little premature to put “ready to fly” on the cake for my birthday, I figure that I’m wishing for nothing more for my 40th year. So why not put it on the cake when I make my birthday wish?

Thanks for your continued support and interest in my journey. Wish me luck with race week and making it through with some stamina and energy!

Much love,
Marcy

Gummy Bear Boobs?!

Well, I went in to see my reconstructive surgeon on Friday. Upon examination, he did not want to expand as we had planned as the skin on my chest is too thin. Turns out I never had an infection in July and the red spot on my chest was from the pressure of the expander edge on my thin skin. So that last surgery and hospitalization was to be safe which I get, but really it was a waste of time.

Instead of expanding, he told me he wanted to do surgery as soon as possible. I about fell out of my chair…. You all know that my job involves working at Atlanta Motor Speedway. Our race weekend is Sept. 2-4, just three weeks away. I told the surgeon that unless it was medically necessary, we needed to wait. I’m too overwhelmed with work right now to be having surgery. He said the skin is incredibly thin and he did not want to wait. He worked with me to have surgery on a Friday, so I only miss one day at work. Which right now is a ton, but it is what it is.

So I’m having surgery this Friday, two weeks out of race weekend. I just pray I have the stamina to make it through the exhausting race weekend. I’m nervous to tell you the truth about this being so close to race weekend, but my doctor is adamant to have the surgery now.

Since he can’t expand, he can’t rely on the skin to make the natural teardrop shape of the breast like they did on my right side. So he’s using a different implant on the left side that is anatomically shaped so it does the work for the skin. He told me that they call it the “Gummy Bear” implant. Nice, just what a woman wants to hear – Gummy Bear Boobs.

While that sounds like a great solution, the only problem is the implant has been in clinical trial for 10 years now and is still considered “experimental” so my insurance won’t cover it. I will be billed $1,500 for the implant which I’m not thrilled about, especially when the surgeon feels it is his best option.

The great thing is the fundraiser all my friends donated to in August 2009 still has money to cover that expense. The bad news is it basically empties the medical fund account so I have no money to donate to charity which I had really wanted to do with what was left over. I just want to thank everyone who donated two years ago as I have used every penny for all my medical needs/prescriptions/uncovered expenses/medical leave. I would have been in dire straits without it. You have no idea the impact that has had on me. I cannot say “thank you” enough.

I also can’t wrap my head around the fact that we actually might be getting closer to the end. I’ve been so incredibly busy at work and I’ve had so many problems to date, I don’t even want to get my hopes up that this will go as planned. It’s sad isn’t it? When you come to expect the worst? To tell you the truth, it has to go right because with my job, I can’t afford any hiccups right now. The goal is to be back at work on Monday, August 22 and my surgeon says that’s absolutely doable as long as I don’t lift anything for a while. As long as I can talk and type, I can get to race weekend!

Keep your fingers crossed for me friends and say a little prayer!

Love to you all!
Marcy

Perplexed

Well, both my reconstructive surgeon and infectious disease doctor are perplexed following my surgery.

On Thursday a little after noon, my reconstructive surgeon removed the expander, washed the area with three liters of antibiotics, then put a new expander back in. He said the inside looked great, with no trace of bacteria. He also filled the expander with a decent amount of fluid to continue stretching the area.

He sent some tissue to be cultured, but believes it will come back negative as he saw nothing with the naked eye. Plus, I was also on antibiotics for 2.5 weeks prior to the surgery, which also would have cleared any possible infections.

The reason why both doctors are perplexed is they can’t understand why the area is still red and hot. Since I’m not spiking a fever, they feel I may just live with this red spot for now as it doesn’t seem to be getting any bigger or smaller. They have suggested I just keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn’t change. The only thing they can guess why the area is red is once skin is radiated, it just doesn’t act like normal, healthy skin.

I was given my first round of IV antibiotics prior to the surgery, I got the second round this morning and I will get the third round tomorrow morning. After that, I will get discharged and take antibiotics in pill form at home.

I’m super excited to be going home after 2.5 days versus the 4+ I was expecting. I’m unsure when I will go back to work, but I’m assuming early next week, but I still need to get clearance from my surgeon.

Surprisingly, I’ve been in decent spirits. Surgery doesn’t even phase me anymore. Yesterday, when they wheeled me back into the operating room they hadn’t administered any anesthesia, so I was wide awake. If I hadn’t had so many other surgeries, I would have been freaked out to see that room and all the tools. However, I was extremely calm and even got on the operating table all by myself.

It’s kinda sad I’m becoming a pro at all of this. I’m not sure this is something a person should boast being good at… I guess eight surgeries in 24 months will do that to you!

When I spoke to my surgeon today, he said he wants to do a quick expansion in August, then do the surgery to swap out the expander for the implant in late September. He wants to do this quickly since we didn’t have this red spot when we had the implant in in February earlier this year. He wonders if the expander is aggravating the skin because that skin so thin in that area of the chest. Eventually, he will put some fatty tissue in that area so it won’t show the implant rippling and that may even help make the red spot disappear.

It’s a little disconcerting that no one seems to know what the problem is, but all I can do it just keep moving forward and taking my doctor’s advice.

Thank you again for everyone’s kind words of support. They mean more than you know!

Love,
Marcy

Worst-Case Scenario

I saw both doctors this morning - the infectious disease doctor and my reconstructive surgeon. I was correct in my prediction from yesterday’s blog on what would happen. And guess, what? Go figure, I didn’t get the easiest option. I got a combination of the two options I didn’t want to see happen.

While my infectious disease doctor recommended taking my expander out entirely, he deferred to my plastic surgeon, not wanting to “undo” any of his work. My reconstructive surgeon does not want to lose the pocket he has created for the implant, so is going to perform surgery where he will swap out the old expander for a new one and wash the area to rid the infection. I will follow the surgery up with four days of IV antibiotics in the hospital.

So on Thursday, July 21 at 7:00 a.m., I will be admitted to Piedmont Hospital to start this whole process. The surgery will be at noon. I am unsure when I will be discharged – probably Sunday/Monday/Tuesday. I would assume I would go back to work Tuesday/Wednesday of next week.

Again, this is not what I wanted to happen, as it was the worst case outcome. Well, I take that back. The worst case outcome would be having no expander put back in as that would set us back even more in the reconstruction process.

And it is also crappy timing as things are SO busy at work right now with the NASCAR race weekend only 44 days away. That’s stress I don’t need. But I know, I know… my health comes first.

I barely cried this morning when the infectious disease doctor recommended surgery as I was prepared for the worst possible news. I’m just numb to tell you the truth. I don’t understand what God is wanting me to learn in all of this. SO OVER IT….

Marcy

Problem Child

All was moving nicely along in June. I was getting expanded every Friday, getting ready for my July surgery. Expansion sucks, but it wasn’t as painful as it had been in the past. I guess since the skin and muscle had been stretched before, everything was responding great with not too much pain.

However, the last week of June, a red spot popped up on my chest. I didn’t need the doctor to tell me the infection resurfaced that we thought we beat in May. When the infectious disease doctor told me it was cleared up in May, he said infections could flare up at any point: days, weeks, months, up to a year, but recurrences rarely happened, so I shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Yeah, guess he jinxed me.

When I saw his medical practice partner on July 1, I asked her why this happened and if there was anything I could have done to prevent it. She responded, “Nope, just shitty luck.” Grrrreat…..

The doctor put me back on antibiotics for two weeks. This antibiotic wasn’t as nasty as the ones in May so I was thrilled. All I had to be concerned about was sun exposure. Not exactly what you want to hear in the summertime, but I managed to stay out of the sun.

I guess I shouldn’t have been so excited because this antibiotic hasn’t made a dent. After two weeks, the red spot has not disappeared, so I called the doctor Friday. He extended the prescription and wants to see me Tuesday morning. Based on what’s been discussed in the past, I believe he will consider one of three options. First, put me back on the nasty antibiotics as it did the job the first time (or so we thought). Second, admit me to the hospital for four days of IV antibiotics. Third, schedule surgery to take the expander out and heal the infection with one of the first two options. I have no idea what he will recommend. Regardless, I won’t be happy with any of the outcomes.

I know I’ve referred to myself as “Sally Side-Effect” before, but the first thing that went through my mind when the infection flared back up was what a “Problem Child” I am. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

June 29 was two years from my date of diagnosis and I’m not anywhere near the end of this road. When the infection recurred, it was the first time I thought about giving up the reconstruction process and just give up on my appearance. All I want to do it look some sort of normal and I don’t understand why it has been such a hardship. I’m numb. Over it. Just exhausted. And I just keep trudging through each day. I don’t know how to do it any different. I don’t know what it’s like to go through a day and feel great with no pain. I’ve learned to live with pain and I think that’s the most upsetting when I take a step back and look at the big picture. But I’m also proud at how I’m balancing soldiering on and doing what I can to nurture myself.

That’s all I can do for now.

Love to you all!
Marcy

Everything happens for a reason – REVEALED!

In life many of us believe, “Everything happens for a reason.” You have faith that if things do not turn out your way, that there is a reason for it. The frustrating part is waiting for the reason to reveal itself. Sometimes we get lucky and find out right away. Sometimes it reveals itself later on. And sometimes, you never find out. That’s where faith plays a huge role.

Well, I got lucky after my recent setbacks in late April and early May. I didn’t have to rely on faith. Not only was I shown the reason why all the setbacks happened; I was given three, not one, reasons.

After the April surgery that didn’t go as planned and the infection that followed, I cancelled my trip to Yellowstone National Park. I cancelled it for three reasons: first, the doctors weren’t sure if the infection would clear up; second, I would need those vacation days for subsequent surgeries not planned; and third, I wouldn’t be physically strong enough to do the hiking I wanted to do due to the infection.

In my last post, I told you how upsetting all of this was. I was down; more down than I had been in a long time. God must have known that I needed help, because the reasons started to reveal themselves pretty quickly why all the setbacks occurred and my trip was cancelled.

On Sunday, May 22nd, I arrived home after a short work trip to the All-Star weekend at Charlotte Motor Speedway. Originally, I had planned to come home that day, swap out suitcases then board a plane to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. When I got home, my house was over 90 degrees as my air conditioning unit had broken; of course 8 months after the warranty expired. Had I still had the trip scheduled, I wouldn’t have had time to fix the air and I wouldn’t have been able to leave my cats in a home that hot for a week. I honestly don’t know what I would have done. Reason No. 1 revealed.

Then, that week I hear in the news “Heavy snow spoils Holiday plans in the West.” The lead of the story reads, “A key highway into Yellowstone is closed because parts of the road have seen more than 25 feet of snow” and Yellowstone had “just one campground open” (see photo of the Beartooth Highway, Northwest of Yellowstone Park). If I had gone on the trip, I wouldn’t have been able to see the park the way I wanted to because most of the park would have been closed. Reason No. 2 revealed.

Finally, last week I got a letter in the mail. It was from a media member who covers the NASCAR circuit. He had gotten together around 45 NASCAR industry members and put together a fund for me. He told me that “everyone deserves a rainbow now and then” and that my recent medical struggles and having to cancel my first real vacation in two years had touched them and they wanted to all make sure that when I was ready – healthy and strong – that they wanted me to take a trip of a lifetime to Yellowstone. I sat there and sobbed. I was so touched by everyone’s kindness and generosity. I couldn’t read that letter to my friends and family for days without crying. It was simply amazing and I was just blown away (I still am as I write this). And to be honest, after having to fix my AC unit, I wouldn’t have gone to Yellowstone next year, as the new AC unit cost triple the cost of the vacation. Now with this fund, I will go without a doubt and I couldn’t be more excited. Reason No. 3 revealed.

And to all of you who contributed, I am touched more than you will ever know. Thank you for your friendship all these years. The NASCAR circuit is just one big family and I am so thankful to be a part of it.

And for anyone who never believed that everything happens for a reason, I bet I’ve given you something to think about.

Love,
Marcy

P.S. – And a small update on the reconstruction process: I started the expanding for the THIRD time now on June 3. I expand every Friday from June 3 to July 1, with a plan of having the next surgery in late July where he will take the expander out and put an implant back. I guess since this is the second time we’ve expanded on the left side, it has actually been less painful than the first go around (Thankfully, a break!). The infection has stayed at bay, so the antibiotics seemed to have done their job. Keeping my fingers crossed it stays that way.

Mentally, I’ve been able to climb back out of that hole I was in and I’m feeling much better. I’m able to exercise again and start getting back into my old routines including yoga. I’m a big believer that time heals all wounds and it just took me a little longer than normal to bounce back. That was the most frustrating – knowing why I was upset, but just not able to move past it.

Not the Consolation Prize I Hoped For

I wasn’t in the best place after my last blog post. I was very down; my counselor said I wasn’t depressed, but what I was experiencing was grief and anger. That sounded about right to me. A week ago, I hit a breaking point, but after a ton of crying for a few days and a one hour massage, I felt a lot better. It’s hard trying to stay positive about getting to the finish line when the finish line keeps constantly shifting.

Cancelling the trip to Yellowstone was a huge disappointment, but on a positive note, Delta reimbursed me my miles with no penalty (should have been $150 per ticket) and Priceline refunded all but $40 of our non-refundable rental. Both companies got doctor’s notes, so I’m extremely thankful that they both were so understanding and compassionate. So I’m only out $92 for the trip instead of the over $600 I was expecting.

That’s good news because the $1,300 I had planned for Yellowstone is now going towards a new air conditioning unit and heat pump as when I got home from the All-Star race yesterday, the A/C was not working. I had wanted to buy myself a consolation prize for not being able to go on the trip, but this was not what I had planned. I’m going to be out $4,230 total, but at least they can fix it tomorrow. I’m staying with my next door neighbor (thanks Anne for putting me up last night and tonight), but I feel so bad for my kitties as all I can do for them is leave fans on in this 90 degree weather. I guess God works in mysterious ways – he must have known I’d need that Yellowstone money for this, or at least that’s what I’m believing to make me feel better about not being in Yellowstone as I type this.

Medically, things are looking up. I’m feeling better now I’m off that anti-biotic for almost a week now. I saw the infectious disease doctor this morning and he says everything looks good. He said the most critical time for an infection to recur is the first two weeks and tomorrow will be one week clear. He said they can flare back up months down the road; but we just won’t know. Only time will tell.

I start the expansion process on June 3. I’m not looking forward to it as this will be the third time I’ve gone through this and it is painful, usually having me in a pain for a couple of days following the procedure. I will expand every Friday in June and early July. At that point, we can set the next surgery date. I’m not looking forward to spending all my upcoming weekends in pain on the couch, but it is what it is. I’m just soldiering on the best I can.

As best I can tell, I’ve got at least two surgeries left, this next one in late July/early August and then one more three months after that. I know we’ll have some final touches, but I’m not sure how long I have to wait for those.

All I can hope for is in 2012 (I guess not 2011) that I can use all my vacation days for vacation!!!

Love to you all!
Marcy

Down

I saw both of my doctors on Friday. The reconstructive surgeon said everything looks great. He took my drain out (yeah!) and then said my stitches will come out on Tuesday.

The infectious disease doctor said the blood cultures came back negative, so they have no idea what caused this infection. Not good. He said it looks like the antibiotics are doing their job, but we are still not out of the woodwork yet. If I stop taking the antibiotics and the infection flares back up, then we still may have to do surgery to take out the expander. They will be drawing blood on me weekly to check my white blood cell count to make sure the antibiotic does not make me anemic. I also got him to change my anti-nauseas medication from Phenergan to Zofran, as the Phenergan was making me incredibly sleepy. He also cleared me to go back to work on Monday. He didn’t agree with it, but said he wouldn’t keep me from going into work. He said he doubted I’d be able to put in full days for a while, but he was willing to let me go to work as long as I listened to my body and go home when I’m dragging. He also gave me a pneumonia vaccine. I was overdue for a Tetanus shot, so I got him to give me that too. Needless to say, my right arm feels like a punching bag right now. Painful!

I’ve got only four more Hyperbaric Oxygen treatments next week. I’m thankful that’s coming to an end. Six weeks of 3 hours being eaten out of every day Monday through Friday has been more taxing than anyone could imagine. That’s at least one bright point on the horizon.

What was the most disappointing news was that I am going to have to cancel my trip to Yellowstone at the end of the May. Since I’ve gotten sick in June 2009, I have taken two days off for travel/personal use – that was when I tagged two days on to my Sonoma, California work trip. Every other day has been used for medical treatments /surgery recovery. I am canceling this trip for several reasons: 1) I do not know if the antibiotics will work, avoiding another surgery; 2) I doubt I will feel healthy enough to do all the hiking/sightseeing I want to do; 3) I will need those days for subsequent treatments/surgeries I hadn’t planned on. Needless to say, I’m VERY upset. I am also out about $600 in down payments that I won’t be able to recoup. I purchased travel insurance and now they are saying they won’t pay because this was a pre-existing condition.

I cried a lot yesterday. I just feel worn down. Exhausted. So over this journey and how hard it has been at times. I just want to be done. June will mark two years from the start of this and if everything goes correct, I’ll be lucky we’ll be done by the end of the year. I’m tired of every day that I take off for work it is for medical and not for mental/restorative. I’m so exhausted, sad, disappointed…. I can’t even put the feeling into words properly. I just want my life back so desperately. I keep up my spirits most of the time, but I’m in a hole now. I’ll climb out eventually, but I guess I just have to weather the misery right now.

I had a friend send this to me a while ago and it’s something I listen to on my dark days. I have to have faith that there’s a reason for all of this suffering, but for the life of me, I can’t understand right now…. Mandisa’s “Stronger” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emgv-VRtMEU

Love,
Marcy

I Wanna New Drug....

Hey everyone, here’ s a quick update….

I’m home now – got discharged Monday afternoon. The area is still red and really hot. If the antibiotic is not working, they will schedule a surgery for me to have the expander removed and no one wants that to happen. Please pray the drugs will do the job.

So when the doctor told me I was going to get the oral vs. the IV antibiotics, I thought I got lucky. No stay in the hospital and just oral meds, how great? Well, that is NOT SO! This medicine is way worse than being in the hospital. The antibiotic is WICKED. The side effects are much like what I went through during chemo. It makes me tired and achy. I get horrible body cramps/pains. It gives me a metallic taste in my mouth and causes severe nausea. They prescribed me an anti-nausea drug to help battle it, thankfully. When writing this blog, all I could think of was Huey Lewis' song, "I Wanna New Drug." (Sorry I've got that 80's tune in your head now!)

My hope is go back to work on Monday. I see both my doctors on Friday and they will make the call on how the drugs are handling the infection. Right now they want me to rest as much as possible.

Thanks again for everyone’s support….

Love,
Marcy

Bad things happen in three’s, right?

So I have some updates from yesterday…

When I got to the hospital, they first took some blood to grow cultures to see if they can nail down what the specific infection is. More than likely it is strep or staph.

Next, they sent in an IV specialist to put in a line to receive the antibiotics. After several very painful pokes, she could not get a line. Another specialist came in, tried her hand at it, but was also unsuccessful. I’d like to think I’m a pro at all of this now, but I was in bawling as it was so painful and we came out with no IV stick.

The infectious disease specialist, Dr. Hengel, came to visit with me next. He was awesome. We spoke about all my options. He said my veins were shot due to the chemo and blood clots, so we were unable to get a stick. All of my IVs for my past surgeries had been done with a butterfly needle in my hand and they couldn’t even get that to work yesterday. He also considered doing a PICC line. This would be inserted into a vein and run to the chest area – basically a central catheter line and they use an ultrasound to assist the procedure. However, due to my history of blood clots from the port, he decided not to go this route. He also considered a line in my jugular, but opted against that thankfully. Fortunately, for me, he went with the least painful option, oral antibiotics. The drug is called Zyvox. He said the drug was ridiculously expensive (from internet research, it is around $100 per pill) and has some serious side effects – it could cause me to be anemic or develop high blood pressure. I could be on this drug for a month (2 pills a day). I also have to be careful about certain foods/supplements, as the medicine could have adverse reactions.

I went to bed at 8:30 p.m. last night, but only slept for an hour. The nurse came in at 9:30 p.m. and we discovered I had a fever of 102 degrees. She gave me Tylenol, but from then on, I didn’t sleep much as all I did was sweat trying to break the fever.

I still have no idea how long they will keep me in the hospital. You would think since I’m taking the oral antibiotics, they would release me, but I know they need to grow out the blood cultures to make sure they know what specific infection they are fighting and to also make sure I don’t develop any of the side effects from the drug. The redness and heat of the left breast area has still not lessened any, so I’m still concerned.

Since the old adage says “bad things happen in three’s,” I’m praying that all my complications are behind me now!

Love to you all!
Marcy

P.S. - the picture is an Angora Bunny, so happy belated Easter!

Complications Squared

Go figure, I can't seem to catch a break.....

My surgery was on Thursday and things did not go as planned. The surgeon
was supposed to cut out the radiated skin, close it up around the
implant and we'd be on our way to the final tweaking stages of the
reconstruction.

Unfortunately, when he started cutting out the radiated skin, it didn't
leave a lot of room for the implant. So, he decided to make the area as
healthy as possible, cutting out all the radiated skin and scar tissue,
but what was left was not large enough to close up over the implant. The
surgeon decided to put in an expander again, go through a quick
expansion process and do another surgery pretty quickly to get the
implant back in.

I was bummed, but I had no expectations coming out of this surgery after
I was so devastated when things did not go as planned following the Feb.
3 surgery. I wasn't pleased, but I tried to take it in stride.

I felt great on Friday - I guess still having some of the benefits of
anesthesia. But by Saturday morning, I had a temperature of 103 degrees.
My surgeon said to take Tylenol and ice down the left breast area and my
fever should go down, which it did by Saturday night. I didn't feel
great on Sunday, but was mostly just tired.

Well this morning, my chest area was bright red and started hurting more
as the morning wore on. My hyperbaric oxygen chamber doctor called my
surgeon during my appointment with them today and they wanted me to see
my surgeon immediately when I got out of the chamber at noon.

My surgeon said the area was infected and the best way to combat the
infection is to be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics. I have
been referred to an infectious disease specialist, so I am waiting to
see how long they feel it will take to clear this up. My surgeon said it
could be anywhere from two to four days. Again, I tried not to get
upset, but the tears came anyway. I'm just so over the complications and to be dealt two of them so quickly just stinks....Trying to keep my chin up but it gets to me at times.

Thanks as always in your interest in keeping up with me and my journey!

Love to you all!
Marcy

Lucky No. 7

So it’s surgery time again…. I will be heading in for another reconstruction surgery on Thursday, April 20. This will be the seventh surgery in 21 months.

I’ve been going to the hospital every day for a month now for my hyperbaric oxygen treatments to prepare for this surgery. I get there each day at 7:40 a.m., treatments are from 8:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m., then I spend 15 minutes getting ready in a public restroom afterwards as I can’t wear any makeup/contacts/skin care products, etc. in the chamber each morning. So that means I’m getting to work at 11:00 a.m. each day and I stay until 7:00 p.m. or later, so that eats into any social time I used to have.

I will have to do 10 more treatments starting the day after my surgery too, so that means I’ll spend six full weeks in the chamber daily, Mon-Fri.

Many friends have asked how the treatments have been going. Everyone assumes that I will just feel awesome every day due to what they’ve heard about HBOT. Actually, I get a lot of headaches and cramping in my chest from the treatments. The only person that will know if the treatments are working is my surgeon once he cuts into me. The goal is to promote healing and new blood vessel growth in the skin that was damaged from the radiation.

I went in for my pre-op appointment and learned this would not be my last surgery. The doctor will want to do another surgery 3 months after this one. My doctor will cut out the radiated skin and insert a bigger implant on the left side this time and my recovery time will be 1.5 to 2 weeks. The next surgery will not be as invasive, only requiring me to be out of work around 4 days. It will still require me to go under full anesthesia, but he will just be inserting some filler and doing some stitching to provide symmetry.

Every time I think I’m getting closer to the end of this journey, it just keeps extending. I am so ready to get my health, strength and stamina back. Going under full anesthesia every few months is hard on your system. Plus, I’m ready to have my free time back and not spending so much time on treatments and procedures.

I keep reminding myself that I cannot control this journey and I’ve almost become numb to getting excited about getting my life back. Originally, I thought it would take a year out of my life. Now it will be more than two. Right now, I just refuse to put any expectations on anything that would get my hopes up. Every time I do, I just keep getting let down. It is what it is. I will cross the finish line when it happens and just celebrate every day in between the best I can. Every day is a gift. No one knows that more than a person whose life has been touched by cancer.

Wishing everyone a happy Easter! I will be recovering at my parent’s house again for the weekend following surgery, so hopefully the Easter bunny will know where to leave the chocolate!

Love to you all!
Marcy

You are putting me in WHAT?!

On Monday, March 14, I served as the Keynote Speaker and Survivor Model for the 20th Annual Hope Fashion show in Atlanta. I was so honored to be asked to speak and I’m proud to say the event raised over $100,000 for the American Cancer Society. I do a lot of events for a living and this one was simply fantastic!

In the speech, the ACS team urged me to speak about my journey and how my doctor nicknamed me, “Sally Side-Effect” because if something was going to happen, it was going to happen to me. Well, God must have heard me, because a few days later, I got a call from my doctor saying he wanted to refer me to see if I was a candidate for hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT).

During HBOT, the patient breathes 100% oxygen while enclosed in a pressurized chamber at two to three times greater than normal atmospheric pressure. While breathing pure oxygen, the patient’s blood plasma becomes saturated carrying 15-20 times the normal amount of oxygen to the body’s tissue. This increase of oxygen to the tissue produces several benefits to the areas affected: promotes new blood vessels; decreases swelling and inflammation; deactivates bacterial toxins; increases the body’s ability to fight infection; and improves the rate of healing.

Long story short, basically I think my doctor didn’t like how my radiated skin was responding, hence the reason for the conservative route of having an additional surgery. The goal for HBOT is to heal my radiated skin and they feel this can be accomplished even 13 months after radiation ended.

It was explained to me as such: when you cut your skin, the skin around it notices a huge change in oxygen levels and immediately begins trying to heal the damaged skin. Well with radiation, the burns are diffused from the center out. So the center area which got directly hit is next to skin only a percentage different and so on and so on, so the healthy skin never understands it needs to heal the burned skin because the center to the edge is so far away.

While I was very excited about this opportunity, when I learned more about the therapy, I realized what an inconvenience it will be. I will have to go to Piedmont Hospital every day (M-F) for four weeks. The appointments are 2 hours long and you are in the chamber for 90 minutes. You can’t bring anything into the chamber, but they do have a TV you can watch (no remote though!). The chamber actually looks like a bank tube (see photo). What makes it even more inconvenient is you cannot wear anything in the chamber but a cotton hospital gown: no contacts, hair care products, lotion, deodorant, NOTHING! Which means I have to lug all my stuff to get ready for work there each day. My appointments will be at 8 a.m. each day, so I will get to work hopefully by 11 a.m. each day. And I’m going to have to work longer hours at night to make up for hours I’m missing in the morning. I realize it is a small price to pay for the rest of my life, but it still just stinks.

And I know I should not be complaining. I have a friend that was just diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. The thing I told him was, “If you are going to plan anything, plan for the unexpected. I drove myself crazy trying to plan how everything would go and nothing goes as planned. Just be flexible and take each day one day at a time.” Well what a hypocrite I was…. Here I got news that my plans had changed and I got upset again. I just have to remind myself, I cannot control this.

So, now my surgery has been rescheduled for April 21. That will give me four weeks to heal before I head out to my first big vacation of the year to Yellowstone! It’s cutting it a lot closer than I wanted to. I thought I was going to be finished Feb. 3 when I planned the trip, but I’m going to work hard during the recovery to get as strong as I can for that vacation!

Love to you all!
Marcy

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's back to work I go...

So it’s back to work tomorrow, as I got clearance from the doctor today to go back to work. I also got my drain out, so that’s a bonus. I spent all weekend coming off the narcotics, which is never a pleasant task. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around that I’m going to have to go through surgery again one more time and I’m not done like I had been told I would be.

The doctor said my skin is healing well after looking at it today. I won’t see him again until April 1st. At that point, we will decide when we will schedule the next surgery. I’ve already made plans to go on a trip to Yellowstone in May and I want to be healthy to do all the hiking/sightseeing I have planned, so it will probably happen in early June.

Here’s why we need the second surgery: In my September 2010 surgery, he took skin from my back and transferred it onto my front. This new skin is attached underneath the badly burned radiated skin, which is all pushed up to the middle to the top of my breast area. My doctor was concerned that the skin might not heal well after being detached after this last surgery, but since it is looking well just only 12 days after surgery, he feels assured we can go in, cut the badly burned skin out of the middle area and attach it to skin located higher in the breast area, which was also radiated, but not as badly as the skin now in the middle area. After this next surgery, it should have the round shape we are aiming towards as he will cut out all the extra skin now making it look lumpy.

So, in the meantime, I went back and got some mastectomy bras to help provide some symmetry until we can do this next surgery. I love being able to wear t-shirts in the springtime and right now I cannot do that without feeling self-conscious. What I would give to get a little confidence back in my step…

I also feel guilty for even being down about this right now. I’ve cried the past week more than I have in a long time. There are so many people who I care about who no longer walk this earth, who I know would love to have this problem. I’m having a hard time battling the issues I’m dealing with, while trying to be thankful to be alive. You need to feel the feelings to deal with them and work through them, yet you feel guilty for even having the feelings in the first place. I’m hoping time and staying busy will be the best medicine.

Not sure when I will update next… On Monday, March 14th, the American Cancer Society has asked me to be the keynote speaker at their 20thannual Hope Luncheon and Fashion Show http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/Gala/GalaFY10SouthAtlantic?pg=entry&fr_id=26818. I will also be walking in the fashion show. I’m praying that watching all those seasons of watching America’s Next Top Model will finally pay off since I’ve seen runway training! I know it’s a stretch, but I’ve got to justify my crap TV somehow!

With Love,
Marcy

Imagine that, complications!

Well I should have known I spoke too soon, as we ended up having complications from this last reconstructive surgery on February 3, 2011. The surgeon had intended on inserting the implant into the left side and cutting out some skin that had been radiated, and then we'd be all done except for the nipple reconstruction and tatooing.

I left surgery all happy the procedure was over, but once I got home and took the bandages off on Friday, the result was not what I had expected; not even close. The skin was still in place, the implant had been inserted, but the area did not look round; it looked deformed as it had areas of indentions. It even looked smaller than the right implant. I tried not to freak out, tried not to get upset and wait until my follow up appointment to see what my doctor would say.

When I went for my appointment today, the nurse looked at my left side and said, “It looked so much better on the table,” so even she was surprised to see how odd it looked. The doctor told me that he did not take any skin off as it was a judgment call he made during the surgery. He said the skin was not loose due to the scar tissue from the previous surgery and the effects of radiation, so he did not want to cut the skin off in case the skin did not adhere once the implant was in. He said this was the safest way to go in case complications arose from the implant, so he would have extra skin to work with.

He said he wanted to wait 2-3 months to let everything heal and then we will schedule another surgery to cut some of the extra skin off and make the area more smooth and round. He said it will never be perfect and will never look as good as my right side, but there is room to improve from where we are today.

Needless to say, sobbed when he told me this. I had this expectation that I was going to be done after this last surgery. I had been so excited to be able to use all my vacation days for vacation in 2011 and that will not be the case this year. It has been such a long road and I’ve been waiting to cross that finish line, but now I have to wait some more. This road has been littered with complications and I don’t know why I’m surprised that more unexpected things happened. I just wish my doctor had managed my expectations better.

I wish I sounded more positive right now, but I just got back from the doctor and wanted to write this as I know many of you have called/emailed to check in with me and I just haven’t really wanted to talk to anyone until I got feedback from the doctor.

Thanks again for everyone's kind words and encouragment. It means more than you know.

Love,
Marcy