Pain came again, some other day!

It seems every time I speak with my plastic surgeon, my reconstruction timeline changes. When we discussed the timeline he felt we would be able to do both surgeries in 2010. I’d recover for one month from the first surgery, expand for one month and then have the second surgery. So I figured that would be mid-Sept. to mid-Oct. for recovery and mid-Oct. to mid-Nov. for expansion, with the surgery in either late November or early December.

Here is what expansion is… On my right side, I am complete with my implant. It’s actually weird, as since the whole breast is all implant, it feels cooler than the rest of my body as all am I feeling is the fluid. Quite weird, but I digress… sorry. Anyway, on the left side, the doctor could not go straight to the implant. He had to put what is called an expander in. It stretches the skin and new muscle he placed on that side of the chest. It has a small valve in the expander (which is found by a magnet) and the doctor gradually inserts fluid into the expander to stretch you to make room for the implant. It is hard, not soft like the implant is, and uncomfortable.

Well, you would think by now that I would know that I can’t plan a damn thing on this journey. I went in to get expanded on Friday. Knowing that I wanted to have the second surgery ASAP, the doctor got aggressive with the amount of fluid. He put in 100cc’s of fluid and my body did not react well. Unlike my right side that handled the expansion process well, the left side has all this new muscle and lots of internal stitching that was NOT happy to have constant pressure placed on it. I went backwards in my healing and it has been beyond painful.

I can’t sneeze, yawn, cough or take a deep inhale without the stitches below the breast area pinching and causing extreme pain. Thankfully, I have not gotten sick and my allergy medicine is keeping me from sneezing. I’m also still having a hard time sleeping well at night as I’m no longer on narcotics that allow you to sleep anywhere, anytime. It is hard to find a position that is comfortable and once I get in position, I can’t move or it will hurt. It still hurts getting in and out of bed and in and out of seated positions. Everyone told me how painful this surgery would be, but I never dreamed it would be worse than the mastectomy.

So now we have chosen to slow down the expansion process. We will expand every other Friday in November and December, putting in no more than 50cc’s at one time. This way I will have the weekend to recuperate should I feel bad. We will let the skin rest for January and then do the final surgery in February 2011. About three months later, he can do the final procedures (no surgery) to complete the reconstruction process. I can’t believe this whole process will end up taking almost two years of my life away. That’s why I get SOOO frustrated because I just want all of this to be over and to FEEL good again. I’m so incredibly tired of being in pain.

I’m headed back to work on Monday, November 1st, so I pray that I will get a little more relief by then.

Finally, the picture posted is from Thursday (before I got expanded, as you will notice I’m smiling) when I got my hair cut again. It is finally getting to a point where it looks like an actual hairstyle, so that makes me happy.

With love,
Marcy

Pain, Pain, Go Away!

On September 16, I had my last BIG surgery which was actually the first in my breast reconstruction process. I knew going into it the surgery that it would be extremely painful. The surgery is called a Latissimus Dorsi. It cuts a portion of your latissimus dorsi back muscle, tunnels it under your arm and places it on your chest leaving the blood vessel attached. This muscle supports the implant. They also cut some skin from the back and placed it on the front on the lower side of the breast. I only had to have this done on the left side because that was the side that had radiation. On my right side, I was able to go to implant directly which didn’t hurt at all in comparison. I will go through the expansion process for the next month and then before the end of 2010, I will have another small surgery to trade the left expander for an implant. In 2011, I will have to have two small outpatient procedures and barring any complications, I should complete the reconstruction process.

The hardest part of this surgery other than the lack of motion, only being able to sleep on my back (no sides or stomach), unable to bend at the waist, has been the pain. I’ve been on narcotics for over four weeks now and it does not look like I’m coming off them anytime soon. For the past week, I’ve tried to wean myself off them (because I thought it was time) and I was crying every day. My doctor says that I’m just sensitive to pain (as I was the same way after the mastectomy) and to stay on the pills until the pain goes away. I’ve been cleared to start physical therapy on Tuesday, so I’m hoping that will help. I’ve also been having a hard time sleeping through the night due to the pain and that’s something I just have to deal with right now.

Mentally, I’ve been struggling because I’m unsure how I will ever look somewhat normal as the skin from the back is white and the skin that has been radiated is darker, so my breast will be two-toned for years and maybe forever. It is so disappointing to work so hard to be left with an outcome that isn’t great. I knew it would never be perfect and it wouldn’t be “normal,” but you want it to at least look okay and not what I consider strange.

It’s hard. I used to be a very confident person. Regardless of my weight, I always felt good about myself. I was me. I wasn’t perfect, but I was whole. It was my body. Now, I’ve got this new body, new hair and I’m just not confident anymore.

I don’t want to come across as complaining because at the end of the day I’m alive, but it is a HUGE adjustment as this body is not what I’m used to. It doesn’t have the strength I used to have, stamina or range of motion. I will be able to get some of it back through hard work and physical therapy, but it will be a long road and some will never come back. I’ve lost sensation in many areas of my left arm and chest area, and they can’t tell me if it will be permanent loss or not. It feels funny to scratch an area on your body and you can’t feel it.

Couple that with all the physical changes and all the side effects of the hysterectomy and it is a huge adjustment learning to live with this new person. It is a lot of changes in a short time. Plus, time won’t heal all wounds. Some you have to learn to live with.

I think my doctor will release me at the six week mark to go back to work, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed as I’ve been really bored during this recovery. I’m looking forward to getting back to my daily routines. I'm also thankful for all my friends and family who looked after me during this recovery - chores, meals, company and all the cards, flowers and gifts everyone gave -- I'm so blessed to have so many great people in my life.

Since October is breast cancer awareness month, I just want to thank everyone who has donated to this cause. Cancer Wellness at Piedmont receives grants from many organizations and I would be lost without this place. In addition to the free counseling I receive and Monday night yoga classes, it is a community of cancer survivors where we are taught wellness programs to enhance our healing and the new life after cancer. I have met so many amazing people and I’m thankful to have this wonderful place that provides me so much support.

The photo posted is from the two day walk for breast cancer in Atlanta. Due to my surgery, I could not walk this year, so my friend Jill drove me there so I could see the ending ceremony. My friend Kaedy (morning show host for 97.1 The River and breast cancer survivor) spoke and recognized me on stage, as we are both avid supporters of Cancer Wellness. I love my silly hat Jill gave me! (Jill is on the left and Kaedy is on the right).

Thanks again for everyone’s continued support and concern. For my NASCAR friends, I probably won’t see any of you until January at the media tour/PR summit, so best of luck with the end of the season. For my Atlanta friends, I’m not sure when this second surgery will be and coupled with the upcoming holidays, I’m not sure how much I will get out, but I hope to see many of you soon!

With much love,
Marcy