I know it’s been a month since my last update, but I don’t have a lot of “news” to update you on.
I was cleared by my doctor to go back to work on April 12, so I’ve completed the first week back. It was weird to be there after being off for so long, but by the third day it was feeling routine again.
I’ve been very lucky in regards to the side effects from the hysterectomy. In fact, I haven’t had any. My counselor suggested that since chemo put me into forced menopause where I had the hot flashes, maybe since my body had already gone through that and my ovaries hadn’t been functioning in eight months, it wasn’t a shock to my body. I asked my surgeon and he said that was an oversimplified explanation, but also didn’t say that wasn’t true. Either way, goody for me as this surgery was the easiest of all my procedures. I did what the doctor ordered (i.e. stay on my butt and don’t lift anything) and it all turned out well.
Right now, I’m focusing on getting some of my strength and energy back. I’m able to exercise again, but not as hard as I used to be able to do, as I’m easing my way back into things. I’m doing my arm exercises to get my range of motion back and walking to increase my stamina. I still can’t extend my left arm as long as my right, but I’ll get there one day.
I’ve also been able to return to taking care of myself. I vacuumed for the first time since June 2009 last weekend. I’ve cleaned my closets out for the first time since December 2008. I bought (and my mom planted) new shrubs out front that I let die because I never watered them the past year, but I’m getting back to taking care of me and my home, which I have not been able to do in so very, very long and boy does it feel GOOD!!! I can’t say that I missed vacuuming, but it felt amazing to be able to do it by myself.
These past eight months wouldn’t have been possible without all the support from friends and family, but most importantly, my mother. She was the one who cleaned my house every three weeks and kept it running since I got sick last June. She’s been my rock and I wouldn’t have been able to get through this without her.
Right now, it feels extremely strange to feel somewhat normal, where I’m not in some sort of pain (other than in my left arm). I’m not hurting or extremely weak or on some sort of medicine. I’m thankful to be getting back to the old me, but I’m not the same person as I’ve changed in so many ways. My priorities have changed and I see the world through a new set of eyes. I’m more compassionate, I don’t let things rattle me if they don’t go my way, I’m thankful for the small things and I’m not rushing through life anymore.
And here’s one thing that didn’t go my way. I went to see my plastic surgeon to discuss my reconstruction and I thought I’d have two small surgeries to get this done: one, to put my expander in on the left side and the second to have the expanders taken out and the implants put in. Not so! Since my left side has been radiated, my surgeon can’t use a skin graft with expander like he did in November. He said he has to use my own tissue. So, he will be using tissue and muscle from my back (since that part of the body has the most redundancy of muscle) and that will put me out of work another 4 weeks. I can’t control it, so why get upset about it? Yes it will hurt, but been there, done that, guess I’ll just do it again.
All I know is I want as much of my whole life back as I can and right now I don’t have that as I’m still disfigured while waiting for the reconstruction process. On a day in, day out basis, I don’t feel self-conscious. I don’t like wearing prosthesis, but at least I look normal in my clothes. And I look absolutely ridiculous in a bathing suit as I can’t wear my prosthesis, but that won’t keep me from going to the pool this summer. I don’t care what other people think. I don’t like my short, chemo curl hair, but hey, its hair and it’s growing, so I’m okay with that. But where it does impact me is in my love life. I couldn’t go a date right now if I wanted to. How do you make a good first impression when not only are you not looking your best, but you are disfigured? Even though I’m thankful to be getting healthy again, I’m still not back to “normal” and I want as much of my life back as I can and not being able to date feels like a roadblock to having a whole life. Maybe its God’s way of saying I’m not ready yet, who knows?
I met with my counselor yesterday and had a great meeting. We discussed how this part of the cancer process is probably the hardest as I’m done fighting the disease to keep me alive, but now what do you do with your life after you’ve done fighting? The best analogy I can give about coming out of this side of cancer is I’m walking on similar terrain, but in new shoes and I don’t quite have my footing yet. I’m figuring out what parts of me are resurfacing and coming back and what parts of me have changed. It feels weird when you try on old habits/activities/actions that just don’t work for you anymore and you are learning what you keep and what you throw away and start new with. It’s hard at this point of your life as I was pretty happy with who I used to be and a lot of that person is still there, but many things (priorities/beliefs/dreams) have changed.
I’ll keep you abreast (oh gosh, no pun intended – laughing as I type this) on the things I figure out along the way.
Thank you again for keeping up with me. The comments and emails mean so very, very much!
Love,
Marcy
P.S. - the picture is of me and my best friend's (since the 6th grade!) daughter at her 3-year-old birthday party in her pink ballerina dress!
