The Year From Hell

I can’t believe one year ago today, I was told I had cancer. A friend recently said to me that the days go by slow, but the years go by fast. Well, I can assure you, this year did not. I stand here today a different person than I was a year ago. I’m still me, but at the same time, so many things have changed. Every person as they age changes along the way. You learn from your experiences and that shapes you to who you are. However, being dealt such a large blow at one time causes changes in who you are much quicker than the normal cycle of life and processing all those changes is tough. It’s all about adjusting and it isn’t easy to do.

There are days I can’t believe I utter these words, but having cancer has made me a better person. That doesn’t mean that I don’t wake up every day mad as hell that I’ve lost my ability to have children. That’s been the biggest sacrifice of this whole journey. You can take away body parts all day long, but not being able to bear my own children I will never get over – I just have to learn how to deal with it for the rest of my life. However, I’m a more patient person. I’m more understanding. I’m more compassionate. I’m more charitable. I’ve given up control. I truly understand there are no guarantees in life. And NEVER underestimate the will to survive. I can do anything I put my mind to. I can overcome any fear. I live every day thankful for that day on earth.

That doesn’t mean I’m all “Kum By Ya” every day and that things don’t get to me, however, and I know it sounds trivial, but I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. The things that used to get me all riled up don’t even scratch the surface anymore. I think I’m a better employee now because of that lesson.

I’m still adjusting to my new looks, but even if I’m not happy with my reflection in the mirror, it doesn’t define who I am. And with time and much patience, I can get to a place I’m content with in the future. I guess that still means I have hope which I’m glad I haven’t lost, but many of the things I used to hope for aren’t options anymore, so I’ve had to readjust. I trying to figure out what my new dreams in life are and I have no idea at this point in my life, but that’s something I’m constantly thinking about -- according to my counselor, that’s a good thing.

I’m so incredibly thankful to all of you who have followed my journey this past year. I’ve been told so many stories of people whose lives have been touched by my blog and what I’ve shared with you along the way. To the women who have told me they do their self breast exam every month now when they used to not. To those who have told me their perspectives on life has been changed. Thank you to each and every one of you who have told me these great stories as it makes me feel this journey was for a reason. It means more than you know because so many days I wonder, “Why me?” and those comments bring me much comfort to know that I have touched your life in a positive way.

Fittingly, I spent this past Saturday at the Cancer Survivor’s celebration at Piedmont Hospital. I felt touched to be invited because not all the cancer patients get to go. I’ve made friends with some wonderful women through Cancer Wellness and we all got to get together and thank our wonderful surgeon, Dr. Heather Richardson. She cried and told us how much we all bring to her life; that we lay our life in her hands and we put our trust in her. Seeing her so moved, it just makes me truly understand how hard it is when she loses a patient. The picture above is her – she’s the tall one in the photo and I’m so blessed to have been taken care of by her.

I also took my first trip last week – I tacked on two days to a work trip in California and my mom and I traveled down the PCH 1 from San Fran to Big Sur and it was so amazing to get out, see part of the world I’ve never been to before, hike in the state parks while feeling stronger with my body. It was so great to be with my mom and not have her have to take care of me. It was a great way to celebrate the one year mark!

While I’m reflecting on today as my “one year ago I was diagnosed,” my true day to celebrate going forward is the day of being told I was cancer free, which was Dec. 1, 2009. This is the date that really matters for awhile now and I’ll celebrate every year until I get to that five year mark – December 1, 2014.

However, I am going to celebrate tonight of putting this year of hell behind me with my best friend Michelle. We are going out tonight to the Sting concert at Chastain and I know we’ll have a great time.

All I will leave you with one last thought and I know you’ve heard it before, but please let it sink in: If you don’t have your health, not a damn thing matters in this world. Sit with that thought that each time you think you have a problem, because if you do, you’ll soon realize your problem probably wasn’t as large or as important as you thought it was. Enjoy every day on this earth as it truly is a gift!

Here’s a great quote I just read recently that I thought was fitting for today: “The worst thing that happens to you can be the best thing for you, if you don’t let it get the best of you.” – Will Rogers.

With much love,

Marcy

Hot flashes, botox and more complications!

It’s been almost seven weeks since my last update and I’m not sure why I haven’t updated, but as I’ve been getting my thoughts together to write this blog, I realize now that I shouldn’t have waited so long as a lot of things have happened.

To start, the doctor was incorrect when he said to me “if you go one month without any menopausal symptoms, you can expect to get off scot-free.” They did come in after a month’s time had passed. I’m having hot flashes quite a bit now. There’s no rhyme or reason when they come. They vary in intensity. Some are just a temperature change for a few minutes and some are so furious that they cause me to be nauseas to the point I even threw up with one two days ago. Not fun. Cold drinks like Icees are my new favorite thing.

I’ve also been dealing with a lot of weepiness. I’m not sure how much of this is emotions that come from menopause or just this time period on this side of cancer. I’ve been seeing my counselor, working through all my troubles and she said that she’d be worried about me if I acted like everything was okay. The most troubling part is I know why I’m sad, I understand it, I can verbalize it, but even with all this awareness, I can’t make it go away. I’m so tired of being sad so often but getting over your dreams being crushed isn’t something that happens overnight. A woman who is a 13-year survivor said, “Anyone that says you should be over this by now has never been through it.”

I encountered some other non-menopausal complications which include swelling in my right arm (the one that had no lymph nodes removed). Through lots of visits to many of my doctors, we have narrowed it down to a vascular deficiency due to the blood clot last year on that side of my body. Now that I’ve started exercising more, it seems the blood flow to my arm isn’t working correctly. I’m going to see a vascular surgeon this week for my first visit and there are many options from non-invasive to surgical we can look at.

I’ve also noticed that my left arm does not sweat anymore and the right side has picked up its slack. It’s embarrassing to sweat so much it can soak through my clothes and deodorant won’t contain it. My breast surgeon said this can happen from surgery and recommended Botox to fix it. Seriously, Botox? I never thought I would hear those words during a breast cancer diagnosis! Anyway, insurance won’t cover it and it is expensive, so we’ve filed an appeal with the insurance. Certainly if I’m asking for one underarm area and not two, they will understand this isn’t just a cosmetic need. I’m a bit disappointed as I thought their job was to get me back to as close as my old body as possible.

One really cool thing my insurance did cover was mastectomy bras and prosthesis fitting. I decided to wait to get my reconstruction done as the doctors want you wait at least six months following radiation, so since it was going to be a long wait (surgery is scheduled for Sept. 16), I called my insurance and they told me that Nordstrom was a national provider. Let me tell you, it was such a great experience! They took normal full-coverage bras and tailored them with pockets for the prosthetic. I have beautiful bras now when I’m not feeling my best and they aren’t ugly Grandma bras – and it makes me feel a little better getting dressed each morning. I even bought a mastectomy swim suit from Land’s End and got a swim prosthetic so I can enjoy summer at the pool and not feel too self-conscious.

Probably one of the hardest things for me right now is the reflection in the mirror. I don’t like the way I look right now and even though I know it is temporary, it is still difficult. I don’t feel feminine at all or pretty. What breaks my heart is when I run into someone that has some form of physical disfigurement, I wonder how they deal with it every day? Eventually, I will be able to get back to that confident self and others don’t have that option and it breaks my heart and I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself in the first place, but it still doesn’t make my self-consciousness go away.

In the photo above is a picture of me and my best friend since the 8th grade’s new baby. She and her husband allowed me the honor to be there for the birth since I would never give birth on my own and it was such a gift. I can’t put into words the experience, but I was so blessed to be there as he entered this world. She even let me give him his first bottle. I am so thankful to have her three-year-old Skye and now this new baby in my life that provide so much love. I’m not their blood Aunt, but I am for certain their Aunt Marcy!

It’s been interesting helping out with the new baby. It’s allowed me a lot of time with this newborn to think about my thoughts about my future life with or without kids. I don’t mean any disrespect to parents of adopted kids, but I have this fear that I wouldn’t be able to love a child as much if it wasn’t a piece of me. I would have to think that’s a fear every adoptive parent would have. I believe being a parent is the toughest jobs anyone could ever do and I worry that it would be even harder if the child wasn’t biological. Hopefully time will help me sort through these fears and help me understand what the future holds for me.

And not too far off in the future (June 21-23), I’m taking my first real vacation since I got sick and it will happen almost one week prior to my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer. My mom and I are going to California to take in the sights of Monterey and Big Sur. I cannot wait and I’m really looking forward to this trip and some time with my mom. After this past year, she certainly deserves a break too!

On a final note, I just want to say I’ve been blown away by all the feedback I’ve gotten from this blog. I’ve heard directly and indirectly how my journey has impacted your life. I never meant this when I started this blog – it was just a way to get news out to those who cared to want to keep up with me. Never in a million years did I think that it would resonate with others. I’ve heard such kind words and stories about how people’s perspectives have changed and I’m just so incredibly touched. Maybe there is a reason for this journey after all.

With much love,
Marcy