Problem Child

All was moving nicely along in June. I was getting expanded every Friday, getting ready for my July surgery. Expansion sucks, but it wasn’t as painful as it had been in the past. I guess since the skin and muscle had been stretched before, everything was responding great with not too much pain.

However, the last week of June, a red spot popped up on my chest. I didn’t need the doctor to tell me the infection resurfaced that we thought we beat in May. When the infectious disease doctor told me it was cleared up in May, he said infections could flare up at any point: days, weeks, months, up to a year, but recurrences rarely happened, so I shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Yeah, guess he jinxed me.

When I saw his medical practice partner on July 1, I asked her why this happened and if there was anything I could have done to prevent it. She responded, “Nope, just shitty luck.” Grrrreat…..

The doctor put me back on antibiotics for two weeks. This antibiotic wasn’t as nasty as the ones in May so I was thrilled. All I had to be concerned about was sun exposure. Not exactly what you want to hear in the summertime, but I managed to stay out of the sun.

I guess I shouldn’t have been so excited because this antibiotic hasn’t made a dent. After two weeks, the red spot has not disappeared, so I called the doctor Friday. He extended the prescription and wants to see me Tuesday morning. Based on what’s been discussed in the past, I believe he will consider one of three options. First, put me back on the nasty antibiotics as it did the job the first time (or so we thought). Second, admit me to the hospital for four days of IV antibiotics. Third, schedule surgery to take the expander out and heal the infection with one of the first two options. I have no idea what he will recommend. Regardless, I won’t be happy with any of the outcomes.

I know I’ve referred to myself as “Sally Side-Effect” before, but the first thing that went through my mind when the infection flared back up was what a “Problem Child” I am. And it doesn’t seem to be getting any better.

June 29 was two years from my date of diagnosis and I’m not anywhere near the end of this road. When the infection recurred, it was the first time I thought about giving up the reconstruction process and just give up on my appearance. All I want to do it look some sort of normal and I don’t understand why it has been such a hardship. I’m numb. Over it. Just exhausted. And I just keep trudging through each day. I don’t know how to do it any different. I don’t know what it’s like to go through a day and feel great with no pain. I’ve learned to live with pain and I think that’s the most upsetting when I take a step back and look at the big picture. But I’m also proud at how I’m balancing soldiering on and doing what I can to nurture myself.

That’s all I can do for now.

Love to you all!
Marcy