Better Than It Was Before

Good news following surgery No. 9…. No complications! I had surgery on Friday, August 19, stayed on pain pills for only 24 hours and went back to work on Monday, August 22. While I know I should have been taking it easy (and I did to a degree – no heavy lifting), I wasn’t able to ease back into work. With the race weekend only two weeks away, I ended up putting in close to 60 hours in 5 days. Not smart, I know, but right now work just demands that. Fortunately, I’m running on adrenaline, otherwise I’d be in more pain.

Speaking of pain, my dad just asked me this weekend how my pain was. I told him that not a day goes by without pain and it has been that way since I was diagnosed. I’ve gotten so used to it, that it has become a way of life. You don’t realize it’s an issue until you verbalize it and realize how not normal it is to be in pain every day. Unfortunately, there is nothing the doctors can do with my pain and it isn’t something I could take pain pills for. It is random stabbing pains that vary in severity and length. It hurts so much that I have to stop talking when it happens. It’s a bit embarrassing in front of people who don’t know me and then I feel obligated to explain. I assume it might get better with time, but I really don’t know. It’s a combination of many surgeries and radiation with nerves trying to regenerate and also dealing with scar tissue. God knows, that left side has been operated on way too many times and it just isn’t happy.

The bad news following the surgery is the breast still looks bad. You would think after the $1,500 gummy bear implant that it would be looking better. There are many areas he is going to have to work on to get it somewhat normal looking. I’m not looking for perfection; I just want it to look normal in clothes and we are still not there without some prosthetic assistance. Hopefully, when I see the doctor again after the race he will have a plan for the final surgery in December. Just pray for me that there is only one more!

I had really hoped I was going to be done with all my medical treatments before turning 40 which happens on Sept. 9. In my mind, life truly would begin at 40 for me. After these last two years, I have no issues turning 40 as I am incredibly happy to put my 30’s in the rearview mirror. I believe I have no where better to go than up in this next decade and you better believe I plan to make the most of it.

And here’s the first step that things will be better on the other side of this journey but I need to give you the backstory first. When I graduated college, my parents gave me a beautiful sapphire and diamond ring for my college graduation gift. It was the nicest piece of jewelry I ever owned and wore it almost every day. Sapphire is my birthstone and it is my favorite gemstone. Well, when I was going through chemo in 2009, I was so incredibly foggy all the time. Sadly, in addition to all that I lost during my cancer battle, I lost that ring. I was devastated. I looked everywhere and I have no idea what happened to it. I’m a very organized person and rarely ever lose anything. I don’t know why, but I lost the ring. And I was heartbroken. I decided after beating cancer, I was going to get my life back and part of that was getting a new ring. I’ve been looking for quite some time now. I almost bought a new ring as my not getting to go to Yellowstone consolation gift, but when my air conditioner broke, it wasn’t practical to spend the money. Heck, it isn’t practical ever to spend money like that, but it was mostly what that ring stood for. Cancer took it from me and I was going to get it back. Well, I celebrated my birthday early with my parents this weekend and they surprised me with a beautiful new ring for my 40th birthday. My mom has had it for eight months now, waiting to give it to me. I was so blown away. I told my mom that my goal for my life after cancer is “better than it was before.” And this ring is better than the one I had. It’s an amazing symbol for me to look at every day and make that promise to myself when I’m feeling down or doubting myself: BETTER THAN IT WAS BEFORE. While there are some areas I can’t change after my battle, in the areas I can, I plan to make the most of it.

I’m celebrating my 40th with a small get together with friends a favorite dive of mine on my actual birthday. I’m not big into making things about me, so I wanted it small, laid back and fun. I did decide to get a nice cake for my birthday and one of my friends from high school is a talented cake artist. She asked me about my concept and I told her I wanted a little bird because when I’m done with all my surgeries I will be “ready to fly.” This idea came from a gift my high school girlfriends got me when I first got diagnosed with cancer. They got me a Pandora bracelet with an angel charm to “keep me safe” during treatment. At little moments along the way they gave me other charms: a blue charm so when I lost my hair at least I still had my blue eyes; a pink ribbon and pink flowers for my fight; my initial M so I would never forget myself in the battle; a bead named “Inner Strength” and a kitty cat to give me comfort. I also added some own beads along the way: two crème beads to represent my two breasts lost in my mastectomy; the “Forget-me-not” bead for the hysterectomy (as I will never forget losing my ability to have kids) and the “Journey” bead for my one year cancer free. I purchased two more beads to complete the bracelet, but had been waiting to put them on it. The first one I bought was an owl for when I finally got my “Hooters.” So I got to put that bead on just this week. And the final bead is a little bird, so when I’m done, I’m ready to fly. I still have that bead stored away and I can’t wait to put it on the bracelet hopefully in December. While it is a little premature to put “ready to fly” on the cake for my birthday, I figure that I’m wishing for nothing more for my 40th year. So why not put it on the cake when I make my birthday wish?

Thanks for your continued support and interest in my journey. Wish me luck with race week and making it through with some stamina and energy!

Much love,
Marcy

Gummy Bear Boobs?!

Well, I went in to see my reconstructive surgeon on Friday. Upon examination, he did not want to expand as we had planned as the skin on my chest is too thin. Turns out I never had an infection in July and the red spot on my chest was from the pressure of the expander edge on my thin skin. So that last surgery and hospitalization was to be safe which I get, but really it was a waste of time.

Instead of expanding, he told me he wanted to do surgery as soon as possible. I about fell out of my chair…. You all know that my job involves working at Atlanta Motor Speedway. Our race weekend is Sept. 2-4, just three weeks away. I told the surgeon that unless it was medically necessary, we needed to wait. I’m too overwhelmed with work right now to be having surgery. He said the skin is incredibly thin and he did not want to wait. He worked with me to have surgery on a Friday, so I only miss one day at work. Which right now is a ton, but it is what it is.

So I’m having surgery this Friday, two weeks out of race weekend. I just pray I have the stamina to make it through the exhausting race weekend. I’m nervous to tell you the truth about this being so close to race weekend, but my doctor is adamant to have the surgery now.

Since he can’t expand, he can’t rely on the skin to make the natural teardrop shape of the breast like they did on my right side. So he’s using a different implant on the left side that is anatomically shaped so it does the work for the skin. He told me that they call it the “Gummy Bear” implant. Nice, just what a woman wants to hear – Gummy Bear Boobs.

While that sounds like a great solution, the only problem is the implant has been in clinical trial for 10 years now and is still considered “experimental” so my insurance won’t cover it. I will be billed $1,500 for the implant which I’m not thrilled about, especially when the surgeon feels it is his best option.

The great thing is the fundraiser all my friends donated to in August 2009 still has money to cover that expense. The bad news is it basically empties the medical fund account so I have no money to donate to charity which I had really wanted to do with what was left over. I just want to thank everyone who donated two years ago as I have used every penny for all my medical needs/prescriptions/uncovered expenses/medical leave. I would have been in dire straits without it. You have no idea the impact that has had on me. I cannot say “thank you” enough.

I also can’t wrap my head around the fact that we actually might be getting closer to the end. I’ve been so incredibly busy at work and I’ve had so many problems to date, I don’t even want to get my hopes up that this will go as planned. It’s sad isn’t it? When you come to expect the worst? To tell you the truth, it has to go right because with my job, I can’t afford any hiccups right now. The goal is to be back at work on Monday, August 22 and my surgeon says that’s absolutely doable as long as I don’t lift anything for a while. As long as I can talk and type, I can get to race weekend!

Keep your fingers crossed for me friends and say a little prayer!

Love to you all!
Marcy