So what have I learned in the past week following my hysterectomy surgery? According to my mother, I watch too much “crap” TV. Needless to say, I have become a TV junkie in the past week, as that has been all I’ve been able to do outside of reading, eating and sleeping.
If we revisit the time before my surgery, my plan of trying not to think about the surgery worked perfectly. The race was a perfect distraction, not allowing me to think about it at all. After the race was over, I was walking out to my car with a friend that Sunday night and she wished me good luck on the surgery. At that point, I started crying because I knew that I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
That Monday and Tuesday before the surgery was tough. I cried A LOT. I saw my counselor and cried the hardest I had in a long time. I realized that this loss of my fertility is something that I will never get over. It is something that I will have to deal with the rest of my life. Right now, I’m just mad. I’m angry that I will never get to see a piece of me in another person and it wasn’t because I couldn’t have kids, it is because this disease has robbed me of the opportunity. I’m also mad that if I had known I had this genetic marker, I would have made different life choices, but you can’t live your life in “what ifs?” Even though I know this, it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach. I wish I were further along in the mourning process, but I feel this will take longer to get through as I can’t beat this, as I could the cancer.
It is hard to explain – some days are easier than others and some days, things hit me the wrong way. When someone on Facebook celebrates their kids’ accomplishments or when someone bitches about their kids’ messes, etc., it hurts my heart a bit. I’m having a hard time watching anything on TV about kids, parenting, etc. as it stirs my emotions. However, I watched the movie, Baby Mama a few days ago and it didn’t bother me at all – it was so stupid that I was okay watching it. It is hard to explain to others and even myself what will upset me, as I don’t even know most days. I’ve just asked all my friends for their patience as I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now.
I hope one day my heart will open to the thought of adoption, but right now I can’t even think about it. A good friend gave me solid advice – she said that what I’m going through right now is like breaking up with someone – at first, you can’t imagine going out with someone else because your heart is broken, but eventually, your heart heals and opens to something new. I hope this is the case.
Well onto the surgery – it was actually the easiest part of my cancer diagnosis. My nurses said I was a model patient. I’ve become a pro actually – I can tell each nurse where the best vein is to put in an IV and I don’t even flinch when they stick me. I instruct them which arm to use for blood pressure, even sticking my finger out for the heart rate monitor and my tongue for the thermometer without prompting. I asked if I could get up and walk before they even urged me to and never complained once about pain. I had minimal bleeding – they said I could bleed for up to three weeks and stopped after five days. I stopped taking pain pills three days early than the prescription ran out. And most importantly, the doctor said that within two days to one week, I’d know what menopausal symptoms I’d be dealing with. I was most fearful of this, as I’m not allowed to take any hormones to assist as most women do. Fortunately, I only had three small hot flashes this week, and one of my nurse friends reminded me that it is one of the side effects of coming off narcotics, so I may get lucky in this respect. If I can get through the one month mark with no symptoms, then likely, I’ll never have to deal with any. Please say a prayer this next month will go by without incident.
The hardest part of the surgery is the BOREDOM! I know it sounds like lying around doing nothing sounds fantastic, but after a few days, it is boring. I can’t take stairs, so I go up and down only once a day – down in the morning and up at night. I stayed with my parents for the first week so it was easier on them to take care of me. I had a buddy by my side all week – their Boxer, Brunswick, was absolutely HAPPY to stay on the couch with me all day. In fact, one morning my dad asked him if he wanted to take his daily trip to the “P-A-R-K” and go “Bye-Bye” and he didn’t move – he was happy on the couch with me and trust me, this dog LIVES to go to the park. Dad had to drag him off the couch. I felt loved. Normally, Brunswick sleeps on his doggie bed in my parents’ room each night. Mom took his doggie bed from the bonus room and put in my bedroom and he slept there each night by his own choice. Again, I felt special as he wanted to keep an eye on me.
I came home yesterday afternoon and it feels so good to be home and sleep in my own bed. The hardest part has been keeping my kitties off my lap. They missed me so, as I did them. For the next week, I’ve got friends and family staying with me each day and night, as I can’t lift anything. It is surprising how much you use your abdominal muscles when you lift the smallest thing. After two weeks following the surgery, I can drive again and lift small things. For the final two weeks, I can walk a little bit, but no exercising or lifting heavy things. I’m hopeful I can go back to work on April 12, but we will see what the doctor says.
Here’s the BEST part – having this surgery means I’ve eradicated all the large chances of the cancer coming back. I’ve taken my breasts so the breast cancer won’t grow new cells. I’ve taken all my reproductive organs to rid the chance I’d get ovarian cancer. Even though I can’t control cancer, I’ve done everything in my power to make sure it never comes back. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I’m bound and determined to kick cancer’s ass so it never wants to mess with me again. I can’t truly celebrate until I get to the five year mark as my original cancer could metastasize, but I’ve done all I can for now and need to trust the chemo and radiation did their jobs. As I type this, I’m cancer free and will live my life every day as I’ve beat it. I can’t live each day in fear that it will come back and that takes more strength than you know – I have days that the fear gets to me, but I’m convinced attitude is everything in beating this disease.
All I have left to do is the reconstruction process and I see my reconstructive surgeon on March 31, so hopefully, I will have some sort of timetable of how long that will take after that appointment. My biggest wish is to finish all the procedures in 2010, so I can go into 2011 and actually use my vacation days to go on a VACATION!
And because I’m forthcoming with everything else in my life, I’ll share with you what constitutes my “crap” TV: all nine episodes of Big Love on HBO, all four episodes of 24/7 with Jimmie Johnson also on HBO, Real Housewives of Orange County and Real Housewives of New York, America’s Next Top Model, Celebrity Apprentice, American Idol and a ridiculous amount of HGTV. My only intellectual TV was watching Jeopardy with my mother each night. Of all that I have shared, this last paragraph might be the most embarrassing!
Love to you all!
Marcy
