Winding Down 2009

I wanted to wait until I had my two doctors’ appointments yesterday to give you all an update from last week’s surgery. All went well last Wednesday night with the surgery. The doctor took out the left side expander and was contemplating putting a new one in, however, once he got in there, he saw the skin graft from the original surgery did not take, so he felt it best not to put the new expander in to let the area heal, plus the expander he took out was on the left side -- the side they will be doing the radiation on – and since the expander has a magnet in it – so you can find the hole to insert the needle into to put more fluid into it – it will be easier for the radiation oncologist not to have to work around the magnet. He also put in a new drain on the left side, which came out yesterday. I still have the right side drain in as it is still putting out a significant amount of fluid. I hope and pray it comes out when I see him again on Dec. 28.

He also said he did not want me to go back to work until Jan. 4, so I had to take five more unpaid days off (Dec. 17 – 23). My doctor said I was worn out, didn’t give myself enough time to recover and wanted me to rest up as much as possible to be fresh for radiation at the first of the year. I was just so physically and emotionally spent from not having a break between chemo and the mastectomy, plus I hadn’t been healing properly from the surgery causing unnecessary pain and the additional complications. I have to admit, it has been great to be able to sleep in and rest; and I’ve seen the difference in my energy by really taking the time to heal.

I stayed with my parents after the surgery from Wednesday night through Saturday morning and the family dog, Brunswick, was again my buddy. He stayed with me on the couch for three days – he was such great company. Saturday, mom came home with me and busted her butt cooking and cleaning for two days, as I had planned a month ago to have all the girls over that cared for me during chemo – staying with me overnight and giving my parents a break. I have posted a picture of me with these wonderful women and am so thankful to have them in my life. Only a couple couldn’t make the party and it was really nice to be able to visit with all of them. I gave each of them a Hallmark ornament to mark this year – it was the “Good Friend Angel” ornament as that’s what they were to me this year. I couldn’t have gotten through chemo without their help and support.

You can tell in the picture that my eyebrows and eyelashes have started to grow back in quickly. In fact, my eyebrows grew back in so bushy, that I’ve had to pluck them twice now! I’m growing hair too – I’ve got that Demi Moore GI Jane look right now – very short, very dark, however, there are plenty of silver hairs in the there too. Oh well, guess I should be happy it is at least coming back!

I also saw the radiation oncologist yesterday. We did the mold and the initial measurements for my radiation treatments. I left there with green marker all over me and small tape markers on my body. I was able to wash the green marker off, except for the areas that were under the clear tape, so I look ridiculous, with spots of green all over my belly and chest. I have to keep it on until Monday when I see him again. It itches too and I’m not supposed to get it too wet, so that’ll be a challenge for the next six days.

I have five doctors’ appointments on Monday, Dec. 28: my counselor, an ultrasound for my gynecological oncologist, my reconstructive surgeon (hopefully to get my final drain taken out and maybe the stitches from the last surgery), my lymphadema specialist (to get my arm sleeve to wear after my daily radiation treatments) and finally, my radiation oncologist (to do the dry run through the radiation treatment) and then I will start with my daily (Mon – Fri) treatments on January 4. I will need to have 28 – 33 treatments, so that will put me finishing somewhere between February 10 – 17, just in time for race week!

My hysterectomy is scheduled for the Wednesday after race weekend, March 10, and that will put me out of work somewhere between four to six weeks. After that, I will finally get to start working again on my breast reconstruction. I have to wait for about six weeks after radiation until I can get the left expander put in, and then wait for a month for that incision to heal. Then, I will undergo two months of being expanded weekly, one month of letting it sit, and then the implants will go in. I won’t be done with everything in the one year timeframe I had hoped for, but I’m over wanting that goal now. I realize that I have to take things as they come, complications happen and I can’t plan it all out.

What I am thankful for is after all my appointments on Monday, we’ll leave for the beach that night, giving me four full days there, coming home Saturday, Jan. 2. I desperately need a break from work, from doctors’ appointments, from to do lists, from sitting in my house – just a change of scenery to a place where I’m expected to do nothing. Mom, Dad and the dog will go and I’m looking forward to that peaceful time where all I plan to do it rest, take walks on the beach, read books, eat at my favorite seafood places and do a little outlet shopping. I haven’t had a true vacation since Memorial Day weekend, so I’m looking forward to this trip. It will also help not having to drive to and from there, so it really will be a completely restful trip for me.

Speaking of eating, I’ve pretty much lost my appetite this past six weeks. I think it was due to a bit of depression and now that I’ve become accustomed to eating less, even if I’m hungry, I get full quickly. I’m currently down 19 pounds from pre-diagnosis and I’d like to lose another 11 pounds. I know I won’t be able to get on a serious workout plan until after the hysterectomy, but in addition to the treadmill I used to run/walk on, I will have to start lifting weights. The hysterectomy will put me into early menopause, which means I’ll start losing bone density earlier than women my age. In order to have strong bones when I’m elderly, I’ve got to work on that now. Think about it – I will be going into menopause 12 – 17 years earlier than I would under normal conditions, so that’ll make my bones older than they should be. In fact, my oncologist has me on three times daily Citrical + D pills already, plus a daily multi-vitamin. I’ve got to do all I can to make sure this cancer never comes back, so getting my weight down and building bone strength is part of my future.

I wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Even though I still have a lot ahead of me in 2010, I hope by this time next year, I’m feeling 100% and have much more hair!

Thanks for your love and continued support!

Love,
Marcy

Complications

So last I updated you the recovery from the mastectomy was going as scheduled. Two of my four drains were removed about a week after the surgery and I still had two in.

Well, I went in on Wednesday, Dec. 9 hoping to get the other two drains removed. The plastic surgeon felt that only the left side drain was ready to come out and we would try to remove the right side one on Friday, Dec. 11. When I went into the office that Friday morning, he noticed my left side was red and building up fluid. He decided to do a needle aspiration to take out the fluid. Well, when he did, he ended up puncturing the expander and it started leaking out fluid. So much so that I had to return Friday afternoon to get more fluid removed. By Saturday at noon, the pressure and pain was back, so I returned on Monday, Dec. 14 to get more fluid taken out.

Since the doctor was going to have to replace the expander at some point, he called me yesterday (Dec. 15) and said he wanted to take it out as soon as possible since it had been causing me pain and we’d put the new one in after radiation. He said I would be more comfortable and the radiation oncologist would be happier not to have to work around the magnet that is in the expander.

Now I have to go under the knife two more times due to the mistake of the punctured expander and I’m not happy about it. The surgery to have the expander out is tonight (Dec. 16), so I’ll be out of work tomorrow and not sure about Friday. My right drain is still outputting a lot of fluid, so I have no idea when it will come out.

I know in my last blog I felt like I could take on the world, but lately, I’ve felt like a punching bag. I’m tired. I’m so incredibly tired. All the time. I wish I could put on my Billy Bad ass pants and feel like I can take it all on, but I’m worn down. Trying to be positive, this incision today will put off my start date for radiation, so I’m going to go to the beach during the Christmas break for a change of scenery and to relax and take a break from doctor’s appointments where I’m poked and prodded all the time. I need it and I hope it is the rejuvenation I need before taking on radiation and going back to work after the 1st of the year.

I wish everyone nothing but the happiest holiday season possible even though I’m not in the merriest of spirits. I know I should be thankful to have received the best gift I’ve been given this year – to live through this cancer, however right now my body is pretty beat up and I’m having a hard time being happy through the pain and fatigue. I guess that’s why they call it a battle, I guess.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Love,
Marcy

Boom, Boom, Cow!

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to update my blog. I haven’t for a couple reasons: 1) my arms haven’t allowed me to get on a computer until a couple of days ago and 2) I just haven’t had the energy to recap the whole surgery until now, plus I had two doctors’ appointments yesterday and I really wanted to wait until I had them so I could give you all the updated information.

The mastectomy surgery with expander insertion and lymph node dissection was much harder and painful than anyone could have prepared me for. When trying to explain it to friends and family, I told them it felt like a bomb went off in my chest from one underarm area, across my chest to the other. I stayed in the hospital for two nights and was discharged on Saturday, Nov. 21st. I couldn’t take care of myself at all, so instead of going home to my house, I went to my parents’ house. Since I couldn’t lift myself in and out of bed, they had recliners in their house and that’s where I stayed for most of the first week. Every day I progressed a little bit more and more. I had considerable pain in my left underarm area from the armpit to the elbow and the doctors said that was normal due to the removal of the lymph nodes. It took three days before I could even use the lever for the legs to get me in and out of the recliner. The best I can explain is the drains they have in me limits the mobility of my arms – I can’t reach over my head or down to my toes. And the expanders they have in my chest feel like a steel bra and I can’t roll my shoulders in. Just yesterday I was finally able to put on socks without help. I’m meeting with a lymphadema specialist Friday to help with the pliability of the expanders while they are in.

The plastic surgeon also had to do skin grafts to make the surgery more successful for my muscles, since all the breast tissue around them was removed. After the surgery, my mom told me he used cow tongue for the skin grafts. I said, “Great, bring the cow jokes on now.” Although, if anyone ever calls me a “fat cow” now, I can reply, “Why, thank you!” since cows are supposed to be fat!

I’m still forced to sleep on my back – I cannot use my sides at all and since I’m a stomach sleeper normally, it has been tough. For almost a week, I couldn’t lift myself out of bed once I was in it. I also had to get up each night at 3 a.m. to take medicine. Since it hurt to yell because of my chest area, I would whistle from my bed and out sweet boxer Brunswick, would start whining and go get my mom up to come help me. Normally, he follows my mom around the house, but that first week, he would sleep on the floor of the den while I was in the recliner keeping me company. One day I was crying because I was in so much pain and he got up and started giving me kisses – he hated to see my upset. He’s been my little angel while I’ve been here.

Two of my four drains came out last Friday. What a great doctor – he came in the Friday after Thanksgiving when the office was closed to take them out. I can’t believe how lucky I have been in getting such great doctors. The other two drains come out this Friday, so I’ll be back to work this Monday. I had thought I would go back to work today or tomorrow, but he said I could not go back to work until the two final drains came out and he was right; I’m still not self-sufficient. I’m hoping I can at least try sleeping on my side when the drains come out. I won’t be able to sleep on my stomach until my implants get put in and that will be many months away now. I’m also hoping by tomorrow or Friday I can finally bathe on my own without help from my mother. She’s been my rock, helping me every step of the way.

So here’s the big news everyone has been waiting for. My breast surgeon called with the pathology report. There are 18 lymph nodes in my armpit and one in my breast. They took out a total of six lymph nodes -- the one from my breast and five from the armpit. She said that the chemo did a kick ass job and all the tests came back with reading free of cancer. All the tissue on my right breast was clear and they got all the tissue on the left side.

Because my cancer was in the lymph system, they don't want to take any chances, so they want to do radiation just in case some little cell is stuck somewhere in the lymphatic system surrounding the breast. I met my radiation oncologist yesterday and he is amazing. He’s been doing this for 25 years – he’s so knowledgeable and has a great beside manner. I know I will be in great care under his watch. I see him again on the 21st of December. He will make sure all my incisions are healed properly, that I have proper range of motion to be able to lay comfortably with both arms behind my head. Once those criteria are met, then they will make a mold and take measurements for my treatments. He said that we will do 28 to 33 sessions and he believes we can start right after Christmas; I will go every weekday until complete. The biggest concern he has is since we are radiating the left side, it is very close to my heart, so he will be involved every step of the way to protect my heart and make sure it does not get hit with any of the radiation beams. Also, side effect wise that I should expect to be sunburned and experience fatigue. He said I should have no problems working through this timeframe, but I would be going to bed early each night due to the fatigue and it gets worse the more treatments I get. He also said I would be very prone to viral infections, so I would need to stay away from large crowds, etc., so I’m back to being in prison again – going to work and home only and I can’t go anywhere else. That’s the part that is most difficult for me – having my normal life taken away from me for so long and not being able to do what my body wants to do.

They make it really easy though to go every day for the radiation. They only want it to take 20 minutes total out of your day. They let you park in the Emergency Room parking area at Piedmont. You go in, it takes about eight minutes to set the room up and I’ll be radiated for only two to three minutes. They have early morning appointments starting at 7:30 a.m., so I hope it won’t eat into my workday much. I’m keeping a positive attitude about the radiation. Even though it wasn’t the outcome I wanted, I’m under the care of such an amazing doctor and they really do want to make it as easy as they can on me.

I feel so much stronger after chemotherapy and this surgery. Someone asked me how I was doing after the surgery and I said, “I’m bruised and battered, but not broken. Give me anything now – I can take it on.” I never dreamed I had this strength in me. I honestly thought this surgery was even harder than my chemotherapy, which is why I’m okay with having to go through the radiation now. Bring it on, I can do anything now. You can’t break me.

I saw my oncologist yesterday too. I thanked him for shrinking so much of my cancer with the chemotherapy, which made for a much successful surgery. My breast surgeon was just singing his praises as it made her job much easier for removing the cancer. He said as it stands right now, I’m cancer free. I will continue to see him over the next 10 years for follow up and I’m thankful to have such a great doctor. In fact, all my doctors at Piedmont Hospital have been amazing. I am truly blessed to have such a great healthcare team.

Once the radiation is complete, then I’ll start scheduling my hysterectomy and the breast reconstruction phases. I’m not sure when all of it will be complete, but I want to get all of these procedures done as soon as I can, so I can get this phase of my life over with and get back to being me again!

Lastly, right after the surgery, I noticed that almost all my eyebrows and eyelashes were gone. My left eye had only two lashes and my right eyebrow had three stands left. I was really bummed. It also made it hard to put my contacts in. But surprisingly, while I’ve been home recuperating, my hair is starting to come back. I have some peach fuzz growing on my head and eyebrows, so I’m excited about that, even though I know it will be awkward growing it out. The only thing I’m not looking forward to is having to start shaving my legs again!

Thank you everyone for the flowers, cards, balloons, food, emails and phone calls of support and concern. It meant so much. One of the sweetest gifts I received was from one of my best friends who lives next door to me. Not only has she been feeding my cats and plants while I’ve been at my parents for two weeks, but she decorated my Christmas tree as that was the one thing I didn’t get a chance to do before my surgery. I stopped by my house yesterday for a few things between doctor appointments and just started crying when I saw it. It was such a thoughtful thing to do and it makes coming home tomorrow even sweeter.

Love to you all!

Marcy

Curveball and Stuck in Neutral

Had I written this blog before today, I would have been sobbing the whole time while writing it. Last week was emotionally one of the toughest weeks I’ve had since I started this journey.

For starters, I’m still dealing with the feet and hand pain. The oncologist said this is a neuropathic side effect and could last months, which I assumed stupidly that it would go away in like two weeks. It gets less and less by the day, but I’m still wearing my tennis/comfort shoes and it hurts to write. My handwriting is horrible these days. Thankfully, it is easier to type.

As I stated in my last blog, I had two doctors’ appointments over the past two weeks. First was the visit to my plastic surgeon. Actually, that visit went okay. We discussed his part in the upcoming mastectomy surgery – he will be putting in the extenders and doing a skin graft for better results. I’ll be flat until he starts inflating the extenders, and he can’t start inflating until after radiation if I still need it. He said it would take two months to inflate them, one month to let them sit and then we could start the reconstruction stages, which would come in three separate outpatient procedures. He said the extender phase is painful. He said they don’t look normal and are very hard. So I asked him, “So what about a stomach sleeper like me?” He answered, “You better find another sleeping position or you’re going to be miserable.” Great. Another bummer was he said he couldn’t use my belly fat as thought before due to my blood clot history – too risky, so no tummy tuck for me!

The curveball came at my visit to my gynecological oncologist. I went in there thinking we were going to schedule the ovaries and fallopian tubes surgery, which I was hoping to do in March after race weekend. However, my doctor asked me, “What about your uterus?” I responded, “I thought I got to keep it so I could do a donor egg pregnancy.” He said, “But can you? If you can’t use it, I’d like to take it because it would be better for you side effect wise.” And then it hit me: Hormones. He told me to call my fertility doctor and my oncologist to figure it out and get back to him. My fertility doctor confirmed that a donor egg pregnancy would have to be supported through hormones. I called my oncologist and he said that he would never allow me to be on hormones again – that the only studies that have been done on hormones and cancer patients were on women who were cancer free for five years and taking hormones for menopause. He said no studies have been done on fertility drugs and since I had the BRCA gene that he can’t in good conscience ever allow me to take hormones again. I asked him about the doctor’s recommendation about taking the uterus and he said it would be a much safer surgery for me in the long run. So instead of having a smaller surgery, I’m having a full hysterectomy, which will require a six week recovery. My only options now for children are a surrogate with a donor egg or adoption. I know that’s not the end of the world, but it feels like it for me right now. I know I’ll get to that point one day where I will embrace those options, but right now my dream, which I thought wasn’t all that unrealistic because it seems the norm for most everyone in this world, has been shattered.

After talking to my oncologist, I lost it. It’s hard enough dealing with cancer alone, and then to lump all the fertility losses on top of it, I was officially in the mad and depressed stage of grief all at once – what I call “Stuck in Neutral.” I’m not moving forward, not moving backward. Just stuck. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in two weeks in my whole life. It’s been overwhelming. I know I should be thankful that I’m alive and that I will beat this disease, but I’m grieving for what I’m losing – my fertility and my body parts all the same time. I still can’t imagine what it will be like to wake up from surgery to find my breasts gone. I’m trying to prepare for that, but I feel I’ll have another wave of weepiness coming on afterwards.

Fortunately, I’ve begun seeing a counselor at cancer support at Piedmont Hospital and she’s helping me through all the myriad of emotions that go with a cancer patient. She’s a survivor, so not only is she licensed, she gets it and all her patients are cancer patients, so she’s extremely helpful. I’m also thankful to have my friend who survived leukemia. She’s been wonderful of helping me put my emotions into perspective and be okay with it all. Right now, I have to go through these mad and depressed stages to get out on the other side healthy. If not, all it will do is manifest itself somewhere and come out later in some form or fashion. As much as I’m thankful for all the supportive friends and family, sometimes it takes talking to someone who knows exactly what you are feeling and to let you know its okay to feel that way is reassuring. I’ve always been a glass half full person and it sucks to be so negative these days. Talking to these two wonderful women is certainly helping me slowly crawl out of my hole.

I know it’s a tough road ahead still even with chemo behind me. It will still have its ups and downs. My biggest downfall is my patience and I’m so ready to be on the road to recovery and I still have a long way to go before I get there. I want my life back right now and it can’t happen. I miss my life I had before this diagnosis. I get frustrated when my body won’t allow me to do the things I want to do. And for a person that isn’t patient, it isn’t a good combination. This disease wants you to take it “one day at a time” and I’m not good at that. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still a battle for me. But I’m trying though. That’s all I can do for now.

I’m glad I’m writing this now because after speaking to these two women and a few special friends, I have a renewed sense of optimism for the future – that there will be an even better version of me in the future – still me, but looking through a different set of lenses where you see the world more clearer and know what’s important. One of those friends was an ex-boyfriend from many moons ago; 22 years to be exact. He reminded me of the things that make me special and they have nothing to do with looks. He told me it’s what’s between my ears that makes me, me and to never forget that. Looks fade, but it’s what’s in my brain that makes me the woman I am – smart, confident, funny and beautiful. It’s hard to feel that way when your outward appearance is at its worst, but it was a great reminder and gave me great hope for the future of the woman I will be again one day when I’m done traveling this road.

Wish me luck on my surgery, that everything goes safely and smoothly – I’ve never had a five-hour surgery before and I’m very nervous. I think this is the first time in a long time that I can officially feel the butterflies in my stomach. I wish I didn’t have to wait another day.

Please also say a prayer I get good news on December 1 that I won’t need radiation. I realized that I was locked on that being the news because I felt I deserved a break with all the problems I’d had on this road so far, but after speaking to the counselor, I’ve prepared myself if it does come back that I need it instead of holding on tightly to what the doctor said. One day at a time, right?

Thank you all for your continued words of kindness and support.

With love,
Marcy

Chemo, Check. Mastectomy, Next.

I know in my last blog, I was really down. Sometimes you just have those days. Fortunately, I haven’t had many of them and have managed to stay positive most of the time. However, when Oct. 22 rolled around, I was in a GREAT mood. It was my last chemo and I was ready to celebrate having that behind me. Even though I knew I technically wasn’t “done” with chemo because I hadn’t suffered through the side effects, it would be the last time that I would have to do either.

While in my oncologist’s office, he said for the second time that I might not have to have radiation. I didn’t mention when he said it the first time because I didn’t want to get my heart set on not having to have it, only to get let down. But he said it a SECOND TIME! I’m not sure what he’s basing it on, but he’s said it twice now and that’s good enough for me. I guess it depends on the surgery and what they see on making that decision. I have a follow up appointment with him on Dec. 1 after the surgery and I guess we will wait and see what he says then. I don’t want to come this far and skimp at the end, but if he says I don’t need radiation, I won’t question him. In fact, I joked with him that if he tells me that good news, he better run because I plan on getting a running start and then leaping to give him the biggest bear hug of his life where he will land on his back on the floor. We both laughed, but seriously, that would be such great news to receive. If I do have to have radiation, it will require me to go every day, five days a week for six weeks, plus its side effects is extreme fatigue and to be quite honest, I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’d like to get this surgery over and done with and get to feeling better. Please say a prayer that I get to skip radiation.

Speaking of the surgery, we are all set for Thursday, Nov. 19. I can’t believe that’s only 2.5 weeks away. I will be out of work for two weeks and I know the recovery won’t be easy, but after enduring chemo, I feel I can take on anything.

This last chemo was the worst with the body aches by far. I had the chemo on Thursday and by Friday night the body aches had kicked in. They progressively got worse, so bad that it hurt to move by Sunday. My poor dad was with me on the Sunday and Monday following the chemo and he had to put up with my sobs. I know it sucks for a man to sit there and stare at someone he loves and cannot do anything to help. I know he was very uncomfortable and it hurt me to see the look on his face knowing he wanted to take my pain away. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday, sitting with my legs straight out, as from my knees down hurt. Wednesday, I went to the office (having a co-worker drive me) and worked from the office couch in the same position. By Thursday, I could drive myself to work and by Friday, I could walk without being in excruciating pain. I spent Saturday and Sunday with my parents for Halloween, just because I didn’t want to be alone – I was having one of those “I want my mommy” days. There’s nothing like having your mom take care of you. I actually had a great weekend with my parents and the family dog, and even took my first walk in weeks. As of right now, my hands and feet are still in pain, but it is bearable. The feeling is a combination of pain and numbness. I can’t wait until I have a day when I’m pain free – I’m not sure what that would be like.

I’m still trying to be careful and avoid crowds because I don’t want to get sick before my surgery. I know this surgery is going to have a tough recovery (they say it takes two weeks to even get to 90%) and I want to be as strong as I can be going into it. I’m still battling fatigue, so I’m still taking my naps during the day and going to bed early each night. I’m trying to stay as busy as possible before the surgery, just because each time I think about it, I start to get upset. I will work every weekday leading up until the surgery, so that will help to keep my mind occupied.

I’m trying to look at the bright side of the surgery, not only do I not have to do my hair anymore, I won’t have to wear a bra either. Boy do guys have it easy! The one thing that bums me out is I initially didn’t lose my eyelashes or eyebrows when my hair fell out, but for some reason over the past few weeks, they have started to go away. I have stopped wearing mascara for fear all my eyelashes will fall out and then how will I put in my contacts?

I know I haven’t blogged in awhile --- this last go round with the pain was the worst, so I’m sorry. Thanks to everyone who keeps sending me notes of encouragement; it really does help – putting a smile on my face and lifting my spirits up. I’ve got two more doctor appointments before the surgery so I will blog if I have any news coming out of those.

Gotta run – my hands are cramping up some as it hurts to type. Love to you all!

Love,
Marcy

Smiling through the Tears

I should be celebrating that I’m nearing the end of chemotherapy, but as I get closer to the end, the more depressed I seem to get. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I’ve pretty much cried the whole day for a myriad of reasons. First, I’m still in a lot of pain. I stopped taking the pain medicine Friday morning, just because it causes constipation and I hate to be on it longer than a week. I have finally realized for the remainder of my time with these poisonous drugs in my body, I will have to be on pain medicine. The body aches go away after about five to six days, but the pain in my feet is constant and now it is starting to remain in my hands too. I’ve also been having pain in my left breast from time to time – and I mean stabbing pain that lasts for about five minutes. I hope that it is my breast and not my heart. They say chemo weakens the heart and they did an echocardiogram prior to chemo to get a baseline reading – I wonder if they will do one afterwards to see how much damage was done. Regardless, I can’t figure out the cause of that stabbing pain – it happens usually a couple of times a week. I will wait until my next doctor’s appointment to ask about it.

Second, I was invited to go to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure of Greater Atlanta’s Pink Power Party which was held tonight. However, as bad as I felt this morning, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go. I can’t even put on a shoe with a low heel my feet are in so much pain. I’ve quit wearing normal shoes to work because I wear tennis shoes everywhere now. It infuriates me that my body won’t allow me to do the things I want to do. Last night I went out to dinner with my family to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I hurt all through dinner and after dinner my mom and I stopped by a local specialty grocery store and PetSmart since it was right next door, but it was painful the entire time and it was extremely tiring trying to go through both stores. And when I woke up this morning, I could barely get out of bed. The more I push my body, the worse I feel. It is extremely frustrating that I can’t do things I want to do due to the pain and fatigue and it makes you feel like a prisoner.

Third, I’m starting to focus more on the upcoming mastectomy surgery more. The idea of waking from a five-hour procedure and both my breasts will be gone is VERY upsetting. It’s not they are the greatest, but they are mine. MINE. I know they are sick and I know they need to be taken away, but the thought of waking up without them is indescribable and I think I’m already beginning to mourn that loss.

Finally, as I’m crying and watching TV this morning, I see a commercial of a mother who has just given birth, holding her newborn and it set me over the edge. I know that I will never go through that and it breaks my heart. Anything that has to do with mothers giving birth on TV, in movies, etc. just makes me cry. I’m not sure what it will take for me to come to terms with the fact I will never bear my own children when that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of my whole life.

Even with this depression, I know this whole process has made me stronger than I’ve ever imagined. Not only has it tested the strength of my body and what it can endure, it has also challenged me mentally. My whole life I’ve been a glass half-full person, yet here I sit today, only two and a half weeks from the end of chemo and I’m not celebrating. I don’t understand why I’m not. I should be and how far I’ve come since June 29, but I can’t. All I’m doing is focusing on the fear of the upcoming surgery and all that follows. It’s still a very long road ahead and even though I know that road will not be anywhere near as painful as the one that’s almost behind me, I’m still sad. I think this has to do with the fact that I’m a planner. I want to know when radiation will start and end and my doctors can’t tell me that because they can’t start it until my surgery wounds heal entirely and with me being on blood thinner shots, they have no idea how fast I will heal. I also want to know when we will be ready to do the reconstruction surgery and they can’t tell me that because I have no idea how long it will take to stretch the skin with the extenders and they can’t start that until after radiation ends. At work, all I’m doing is doing planning for 2010 and I can’t plan for myself – it’s frustrating. I’ve got a work trip scheduled for June 20 and I have no idea if I will have had my reconstruction surgery by then and again, that frustrates me and tests my patience. I wish I could just roll with the punches, take things as they come, realize that I’m not in control of the situation and just let it go. Yet when I’m at work, I’m doing all this planning and I think that is what has caused this frustration with the lack of scheduling of my medical journey.

Just this week I’ve decided to do a little documenting of my cancer battle. I haven’t taken any pictures really other than my initial short haircut and wig shopping. I’ve been afraid of taking a picture of myself bald. I don’t know why – probably because I think I look ugly. I thought I wouldn’t want to remember it, but I realize now I need to. I bought a shirt that says, “Cancer Sucks” with a pink ribbon exclamation point and I’m going to wear it when I take the picture. I’m also going to do my first nude picture in my life. I’m going to wear a hat a friend gave to me that says “Save the Ta-Tas” and take a picture of me wearing it and showing my own boobs before the mastectomy, just so I can remember what they used to look like. Please note, neither photo will be posted in my Facebook photo page (grin), but they will be for me. I know it seems silly, but for me, I just never want to forget this battle I’ve been through. I’m sure I’ll add a few more strange ones along the way like when I get my radiation tattoos or post-mastectomy when my breasts are gone.

I was also able to speak to my friend who battled leukemia I spoke of in my last blog this week. I was such a great phone call – we laughed some and cried some and it was just so great to hear her voice. It sucks that it has taken cancer for the two of us to reconnect, but I know I’ll be in contact with her more from now on out. She’s become a source of strength and inspiration for me. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I didn’t want to confide or speak with anyone else who has had cancer even though I had many great people reach out to me. I was just too scared due to the fear of the unknown – I was petrified and wanted to be in the dark. She reached out at just the right time and I’m ready to have that person in my life now to be able to relate to and I’m glad she’s the one. I guess a greater power sends people to us just at the right time and I’m extremely grateful she’s in my life now.

I know many of you keep asking about dates of things, so here’s what is coming up:
Thursday, Oct. 22 – Final Chemotherapy treatment
Wednesday, Nov. 4 – appointment with the plastic surgeon (final one before the mastectomy)
Tuesday, Nov. 10 – appointment with the gynecological oncologist (hopefully to schedule surgery to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed)
Thursday, Nov. 19 – mastectomy surgery (skin saving mastectomy, port removal and insertion of the extenders to prepare for the breast reconstruction surgery – I will be in the hospital for a couple of days and out of work for two weeks).

As for this last note, my mom told me I needed to clarify this as she said she was confused when she read the press release. When I spoke about the “Helmet of Hope” with the Jimmie Johnson Foundation in a previous blog, Jimmie’s Foundation didn’t donate the money to me, they donated it to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Greater Atlanta chapter in my name/my honor. A media member wrote into the Jimmie Johnson Foundation to nominate the Atlanta Komen chapter in my honor. What makes all of this even cooler is Jimmie won the race in California last weekend when he ran that paint scheme. Mom and I ordered t-shirts to support the cause. You can too if you want as proceeds from sales of the t-shirts goes directly to the 12 charities on his helmet, which the Atlanta Komen chapter was one of those 12, and you can purchase the shirts here: http://jimmiejohnson.shop.sportstoday.com/Product.aspx?cp=15833_16010&pc=JJCT072#.

Thanks to everyone’s continued notes of support and encouragement. You’d think I’d be handling things better at this point, but there’s no guidebook to the cancer path. Let’s hope I can start getting into a celebration mood more than the depressed place I’ve been lately. I’m finding times I can smile through the tears and that’s a great feeling.

With love to you all,
Marcy

No News is Good News

I haven’t blogged in awhile, but didn’t realize that it has been almost two weeks since my last one. I’ve been trying to keep to a once a week schedule, but to be honest, I haven’t had much to report, which in the world of being sick is a good thing.

The blood clots I’ve been dealing with have finally stopped hurting. The arm with the clots is more swollen than the other and you can see all the veins in the arm, but at least it isn’t hurting. My port will be coming out during my mastectomy surgery, so hopefully no more clots to deal with ever again.

I’m becoming a pro at giving myself the shots with the blood thinner medicine. It’s actually scary how well I can do it now – but that doesn’t mean I like it one bit. I cringe every night when the clock shows 9 p.m. and it is time for my shot. Sometimes it hurts a lot and sometimes its okay. I have all these little poke holes all over my stomach. When I go to give a shot each night, I look for spot where I have no puncture hole.

Speaking of stomachs, I forgot to put something in my last blog. When I went to see my plastic surgeon, he said something to me and I’m not sure if I should be cheering or taking it as a back-handed compliment. While doing his evaluation, he told me, “You only have enough belly fat to make one boob.” Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, but at least it gave me and my girlfriends a great laugh. In fact, many of my friends asked if they could donate their belly fat to make the other boob. Needless to say, I guess I’m getting a tummy tuck and new boobs at the same time.

I still haven’t come to terms with that – fake boobs. Not like the elective surgery kind. All fake. Tattooed nipples. Possibly never regaining feeling in them. Sometimes I think, “What’s the point?” And on top of all of those things, they would just be in the way of my golf swing. Then all I have to do is envision myself in a bathing suit with no boobs and it becomes and easy decision to have the surgery.

My second Taxol treatment went as expected. I had the bad body aches for about six days, starting about 24 hours after the chemo is administered. However, the aches never went away in my feet. They still hurt as I type this. It’s a combined feeling of achiness and the feeling of your foot being asleep; it’s a strange combination. My doctor also told me that the blood transfusion helped. My count was 7.8 before it and it was 10.8 that day. Normal is 14. They are keeping an eye on my levels, hoping it doesn’t dip low again. I think the transfusion was a great thing because I think it has helped my energy level greatly.

In fact, I’ve been able to get back to doing a few “normal” things with this new energy. For weeks on end, I hadn’t eaten out or gone anywhere. I’ve had to send my family to pick up things when I’ve needed them. But in the past two weeks, I’ve been to the grocery store twice now. It’s funny how you miss normal things when you don’t get to do them. I was so excited to be able to pick out things that I wanted. My first treat was Coca-Cola in glass bottles.

Two weekends ago the day after my Taxol treatment, I told my mom, “Let’s go to Target before the body aches set in,” so off we went. Even though it was only an hour outing, it was great to be out. Last weekend after the body aches had subsided some, Mom and I went to Macy’s. It’s amazing what a little retail therapy can do. I even ventured out to a nice dinner one night with a girlfriend and last Saturday while shopping with my mom, went to Pappasita’s Cantina and had Mexican food for the first time since early July. If you know me well, you know how much I love Mexican food. It has been very nice to have a few days of normalcy the past couple of weekends in between the onset of the body pain.

Mom helped me last weekend put out a few Halloween decorations – I don’t have many, but it helps create a sense of normalcy that you are continuing to do the things you normally do. She even bought me a Target a new Halloween welcome mat with a kitty cat on it, so it’s real cute.

While mom and I were talking about Halloween decorations, we started talking about Christmas. Decorating for Christmas is a big deal for my family. If you think I’m bad, you should see my mother’s house. I usually decorate for Christmas the weekend before Thanksgiving because our family normally goes out of town the weekend of Thanksgiving. However, this year, I will be recovering from my mastectomy around that time, so she said we would decorate the weekend before surgery, so I will have my Christmas tree up starting November 14. Scary to have it up that early, but I don’t want to decorate the second week of December and have it up for only a few weeks.

I originally thought my mastectomy date would be Tuesday, November 17. However, when you have to coordinate two doctors’ schedules, you don’t always get what you want. We have a final date now: Thursday, November 19 at 8 a.m. I have to be there at 6 a.m. – how fun!

My last appointment with my breast surgeon went well. The cancer looks like it is shrinking and responding to the chemo well, so we are both very happy. In fact, the next time I see her will be at the surgery date – she says I’m good to go!

And even better news, is I only have TWO MORE CHEMO TREATMENTS TO GO!!!!! I can’t believe the time has flown so fast. Two more. Wow! Thursday, Oct. 8 and Thursday, Oct. 22. By the time Halloween arrives, I will consider myself done because hopefully, all the side effects will have subsided by then.

Sorry to be “offline” for so long. I just thought I hadn’t had much to say, but after typing this, I guess I did.

It’s good to have a few days of feeling like a normal person again – even if you only are operating at 85%. That’s great for a cancer patient.

On a final note, the last week I’ve been in a funk. Very sad about having cancer and the road I’m having to travel. I had a friend reach out to me that had leukemia almost three years ago. I kept up with her during her battle via a mutual friend, sent her a care package when she was sick, but never was inside her head with what she was going through because she didn’t blog or do the Facebook thing that everyone does now. This week she sent me a care package. And what was in it was so special. She sent me some hats, but instead of blogging about her journey, she wrote a journal – now let me tell you, this is no journal; it’s a full blown book and what a gift it was. I spent last night reading the first half of it – I couldn’t put it down. It was so great to hear from her and to be able to relate to her and all she went through now that I’ve been through a lot of those similar things. It meant so much to be able to read what was going through her head, so hopefully this blog is doing the same for all my friends. I can’t wait to read the second half of her story and give her a call to catch up. It’s also given me perspective. All my friends have been telling me how strong I’ve become during my battle with cancer, but after reading her story, she’s my new hero. Anytime I start to bitch and complain about how bad I have it, I will think of her and shut my mouth. I want to thank her for dragging me out of my funk. It was the perfect timing.

With love to you all,
Marcy