So what have I learned in the past week following my hysterectomy surgery? According to my mother, I watch too much “crap” TV. Needless to say, I have become a TV junkie in the past week, as that has been all I’ve been able to do outside of reading, eating and sleeping.
If we revisit the time before my surgery, my plan of trying not to think about the surgery worked perfectly. The race was a perfect distraction, not allowing me to think about it at all. After the race was over, I was walking out to my car with a friend that Sunday night and she wished me good luck on the surgery. At that point, I started crying because I knew that I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
That Monday and Tuesday before the surgery was tough. I cried A LOT. I saw my counselor and cried the hardest I had in a long time. I realized that this loss of my fertility is something that I will never get over. It is something that I will have to deal with the rest of my life. Right now, I’m just mad. I’m angry that I will never get to see a piece of me in another person and it wasn’t because I couldn’t have kids, it is because this disease has robbed me of the opportunity. I’m also mad that if I had known I had this genetic marker, I would have made different life choices, but you can’t live your life in “what ifs?” Even though I know this, it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach. I wish I were further along in the mourning process, but I feel this will take longer to get through as I can’t beat this, as I could the cancer.
It is hard to explain – some days are easier than others and some days, things hit me the wrong way. When someone on Facebook celebrates their kids’ accomplishments or when someone bitches about their kids’ messes, etc., it hurts my heart a bit. I’m having a hard time watching anything on TV about kids, parenting, etc. as it stirs my emotions. However, I watched the movie, Baby Mama a few days ago and it didn’t bother me at all – it was so stupid that I was okay watching it. It is hard to explain to others and even myself what will upset me, as I don’t even know most days. I’ve just asked all my friends for their patience as I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now.
I hope one day my heart will open to the thought of adoption, but right now I can’t even think about it. A good friend gave me solid advice – she said that what I’m going through right now is like breaking up with someone – at first, you can’t imagine going out with someone else because your heart is broken, but eventually, your heart heals and opens to something new. I hope this is the case.
Well onto the surgery – it was actually the easiest part of my cancer diagnosis. My nurses said I was a model patient. I’ve become a pro actually – I can tell each nurse where the best vein is to put in an IV and I don’t even flinch when they stick me. I instruct them which arm to use for blood pressure, even sticking my finger out for the heart rate monitor and my tongue for the thermometer without prompting. I asked if I could get up and walk before they even urged me to and never complained once about pain. I had minimal bleeding – they said I could bleed for up to three weeks and stopped after five days. I stopped taking pain pills three days early than the prescription ran out. And most importantly, the doctor said that within two days to one week, I’d know what menopausal symptoms I’d be dealing with. I was most fearful of this, as I’m not allowed to take any hormones to assist as most women do. Fortunately, I only had three small hot flashes this week, and one of my nurse friends reminded me that it is one of the side effects of coming off narcotics, so I may get lucky in this respect. If I can get through the one month mark with no symptoms, then likely, I’ll never have to deal with any. Please say a prayer this next month will go by without incident.
The hardest part of the surgery is the BOREDOM! I know it sounds like lying around doing nothing sounds fantastic, but after a few days, it is boring. I can’t take stairs, so I go up and down only once a day – down in the morning and up at night. I stayed with my parents for the first week so it was easier on them to take care of me. I had a buddy by my side all week – their Boxer, Brunswick, was absolutely HAPPY to stay on the couch with me all day. In fact, one morning my dad asked him if he wanted to take his daily trip to the “P-A-R-K” and go “Bye-Bye” and he didn’t move – he was happy on the couch with me and trust me, this dog LIVES to go to the park. Dad had to drag him off the couch. I felt loved. Normally, Brunswick sleeps on his doggie bed in my parents’ room each night. Mom took his doggie bed from the bonus room and put in my bedroom and he slept there each night by his own choice. Again, I felt special as he wanted to keep an eye on me.
I came home yesterday afternoon and it feels so good to be home and sleep in my own bed. The hardest part has been keeping my kitties off my lap. They missed me so, as I did them. For the next week, I’ve got friends and family staying with me each day and night, as I can’t lift anything. It is surprising how much you use your abdominal muscles when you lift the smallest thing. After two weeks following the surgery, I can drive again and lift small things. For the final two weeks, I can walk a little bit, but no exercising or lifting heavy things. I’m hopeful I can go back to work on April 12, but we will see what the doctor says.
Here’s the BEST part – having this surgery means I’ve eradicated all the large chances of the cancer coming back. I’ve taken my breasts so the breast cancer won’t grow new cells. I’ve taken all my reproductive organs to rid the chance I’d get ovarian cancer. Even though I can’t control cancer, I’ve done everything in my power to make sure it never comes back. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I’m bound and determined to kick cancer’s ass so it never wants to mess with me again. I can’t truly celebrate until I get to the five year mark as my original cancer could metastasize, but I’ve done all I can for now and need to trust the chemo and radiation did their jobs. As I type this, I’m cancer free and will live my life every day as I’ve beat it. I can’t live each day in fear that it will come back and that takes more strength than you know – I have days that the fear gets to me, but I’m convinced attitude is everything in beating this disease.
All I have left to do is the reconstruction process and I see my reconstructive surgeon on March 31, so hopefully, I will have some sort of timetable of how long that will take after that appointment. My biggest wish is to finish all the procedures in 2010, so I can go into 2011 and actually use my vacation days to go on a VACATION!
And because I’m forthcoming with everything else in my life, I’ll share with you what constitutes my “crap” TV: all nine episodes of Big Love on HBO, all four episodes of 24/7 with Jimmie Johnson also on HBO, Real Housewives of Orange County and Real Housewives of New York, America’s Next Top Model, Celebrity Apprentice, American Idol and a ridiculous amount of HGTV. My only intellectual TV was watching Jeopardy with my mother each night. Of all that I have shared, this last paragraph might be the most embarrassing!
Love to you all!
Marcy
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Life Is Good!
Ok, so I’ve been a bad blogger by not updating lately. In fact a few friends emailed me afraid that something was wrong since I hadn’t updated lately, but in this case, “no news is good news.”
I returned to work on January 4th and have been doing daily radiation treatments each morning at 8:00 a.m. I’ve logged 29 treatments to date and only have four more to go, finishing on Feb. 17 – six and a half weeks of treatment. The first two weeks of radiation were a breeze. The next two weeks I started getting irritation on my skin and by the end of the month, the side effects had really set it – burned skin and fatigue. I’ve been able to work the whole time as after going through chemo and the mastectomy, I can take on anything. I used to be the girl petrified of needles and now, I’m incredibly strong. Bring it on, I’m not scared. I’ve been through hell and have been able to come out the other side with a smile on my face. I’m amazed at how strong I am now.
I’m also in a better place mentally. I was really depressed before Christmas, just feeling so battered and bruised, due to the pain of the surgery and multiple complications. Well, on the first day of radiation, I met a guy named Jeremy. He was going through radiation for brain cancer. He was bald with a big scar across his skull. Radiation wasn’t going well for him – he was nauseas and couldn’t eat – he had lost 35 pounds in 21 days. But what was the most heartbreaking was he had lost his vision and wasn’t sure he’d ever get it back due to the tumor. He couldn’t drive. He couldn’t work. And it BROKE my heart. Here I was, down in the dumps yet I could drive myself to radiation each day AND go to work afterwards. I was able to return to “normal” life. His was changed drastically and probably permanently. I felt guilty for even being down. My counselor calls it “survivor’s guilt.” Anytime I even feel down or want to complain about something, I think about Jeremy and I keep my mouth shut. I’m going to be okay and nothing else much matters after that. Life is good.
Speaking of my counselor, she said she’s proud of me – that I’ve been able to handle everything well and put things into perspective. To be honest, I feel like I’ve been given a gift. I would never want to go through this ride again, but the perspective I’ve gained has been simply life-changing. I think I’m a better person for it. I’m more aware of those that need help. I smile at others more and try to say a kind word. I don’t complain. I don’t get riled up about things and certainly don’t sweat the small stuff. I read a quote that Robin Roberts wrote and to paraphrase, she said, “Before cancer I was rushing through life. I would’ve worked late if I was behind, now I leave, go to bed early, get a good night’s sleep and come back at it tomorrow. Before cancer, I would’ve never done that.” She’s right. I don’t let the stresses of work get to me and realize it is not good for my health. That there are so many things that are out of my control and I do the best I can with the situations I’m dealt. That’s all I can do.
Speaking about not being able to control things, I’m unsure of when I’ll start the reconstruction process again. The docs continually change the timeline and it has ranged anywhere from six weeks to six months. Who knows? I’ve just resigned myself that the boobs will come when they come. Fortunately, they have nothing to do with my health, so there’s no rush, but mentally, it does have consequences. I want to do the right thing and not rush things, but I also feel like my life is on hold until I’m done with all my procedures. I want to get everything done so I can go back to “normal” life and stop being a sick person. I realize my body is just a shell and it doesn’t define who I am, but I also want to feel good about myself. It’s hard to stand tall and feel confident when you have boy hair and only one boob. I try just not to care and realize I’m just glad to be alive at the end of the day.
Next up procedure-wise is my hysterectomy on March 10 and I’ll be out of work four to six weeks. I think the hardest part of this surgery will be the mental aspect of it. I completely know I’m making the right decision for my health and I’ve done the research regarding my fertility: it’s doubtful my period will ever return AND even if it did and I tried to get pregnant, the estrogen levels would be so high making it too risky for me – couple that with the fact that I’m high risk for ovarian cancer, it became a very simple decision. However, I know I have not mourned the loss of my fertility and fully expect to have another downturn emotionally after the surgery when it is final.
An interesting note – I asked my gynecological oncologist/surgeon about the menopausal symptoms following the surgery. He said that if I have any symptoms – mood changes, hot flashes, etc., that I would get them in a few days to one week following the surgery. That quick! He said if I made it through the first month with no symptoms, then I’d probably be off scot-free. Please say a prayer that I won’t have bad symptoms as I can’t take normal menopausal medicines as they have hormones which I can’t have. The only drug they will allow me to be on is one specific anti-depressant and I really don’t want to have to be on drugs again.
On a positive note – I’ve seen my oncologist and breast surgeon recently for follow up appointments and it was cool to see them both with huge smiles on their faces. It was because I looked good again and not like death warmed over. It has got to be so gratifying knowing you saved someone’s life. I can’t even imagine that feeling. I feel so lucky to have the doctors I’ve had and think Piedmont Hospital is the best. I’ve been given such great care and with such compassion and kindness. Their cancer wellness program is amazing. In addition to seeing my counselor for free, I’ve also started taking a Monday night yoga class and it is all cancer survivors in the class. It feels good to be around women who don’t look at you funny when you raise both arms in the air and they aren’t even or you aren’t strong enough to even try the downward dog pose. On my first night, the teacher said to me, “Even if you spend the whole class asleep on your mat, we are glad you are here.” I’m so thankful for these programs because Piedmont believes you treat the whole person, not just the disease – and it has helped me tremendously.
I’m sorry I’ve been so bad about updating, but I’ve just been in the radiation, work and rest grind. It makes for a long day getting out the door so early, but the radiation technicians have been so nice and friendly, it makes going there somewhat enjoyable each morning. It will be weird not to have to go there every morning as I’ve grown accustomed to.
I’m not sure when I’ll update again. We are just a few weeks away from race weekend (March 5-7) and then just three days later is my surgery. I’ll be in the hospital overnight and then recovering at my parents for a week. It probably isn’t a good idea to go home right after as my kitties want to be on my lap all the time. I’ll try to update after the surgery so everyone knows all went well.
Thanks for keeping up with me!
Love,
Marcy
I returned to work on January 4th and have been doing daily radiation treatments each morning at 8:00 a.m. I’ve logged 29 treatments to date and only have four more to go, finishing on Feb. 17 – six and a half weeks of treatment. The first two weeks of radiation were a breeze. The next two weeks I started getting irritation on my skin and by the end of the month, the side effects had really set it – burned skin and fatigue. I’ve been able to work the whole time as after going through chemo and the mastectomy, I can take on anything. I used to be the girl petrified of needles and now, I’m incredibly strong. Bring it on, I’m not scared. I’ve been through hell and have been able to come out the other side with a smile on my face. I’m amazed at how strong I am now.
I’m also in a better place mentally. I was really depressed before Christmas, just feeling so battered and bruised, due to the pain of the surgery and multiple complications. Well, on the first day of radiation, I met a guy named Jeremy. He was going through radiation for brain cancer. He was bald with a big scar across his skull. Radiation wasn’t going well for him – he was nauseas and couldn’t eat – he had lost 35 pounds in 21 days. But what was the most heartbreaking was he had lost his vision and wasn’t sure he’d ever get it back due to the tumor. He couldn’t drive. He couldn’t work. And it BROKE my heart. Here I was, down in the dumps yet I could drive myself to radiation each day AND go to work afterwards. I was able to return to “normal” life. His was changed drastically and probably permanently. I felt guilty for even being down. My counselor calls it “survivor’s guilt.” Anytime I even feel down or want to complain about something, I think about Jeremy and I keep my mouth shut. I’m going to be okay and nothing else much matters after that. Life is good.
Speaking of my counselor, she said she’s proud of me – that I’ve been able to handle everything well and put things into perspective. To be honest, I feel like I’ve been given a gift. I would never want to go through this ride again, but the perspective I’ve gained has been simply life-changing. I think I’m a better person for it. I’m more aware of those that need help. I smile at others more and try to say a kind word. I don’t complain. I don’t get riled up about things and certainly don’t sweat the small stuff. I read a quote that Robin Roberts wrote and to paraphrase, she said, “Before cancer I was rushing through life. I would’ve worked late if I was behind, now I leave, go to bed early, get a good night’s sleep and come back at it tomorrow. Before cancer, I would’ve never done that.” She’s right. I don’t let the stresses of work get to me and realize it is not good for my health. That there are so many things that are out of my control and I do the best I can with the situations I’m dealt. That’s all I can do.
Speaking about not being able to control things, I’m unsure of when I’ll start the reconstruction process again. The docs continually change the timeline and it has ranged anywhere from six weeks to six months. Who knows? I’ve just resigned myself that the boobs will come when they come. Fortunately, they have nothing to do with my health, so there’s no rush, but mentally, it does have consequences. I want to do the right thing and not rush things, but I also feel like my life is on hold until I’m done with all my procedures. I want to get everything done so I can go back to “normal” life and stop being a sick person. I realize my body is just a shell and it doesn’t define who I am, but I also want to feel good about myself. It’s hard to stand tall and feel confident when you have boy hair and only one boob. I try just not to care and realize I’m just glad to be alive at the end of the day.
Next up procedure-wise is my hysterectomy on March 10 and I’ll be out of work four to six weeks. I think the hardest part of this surgery will be the mental aspect of it. I completely know I’m making the right decision for my health and I’ve done the research regarding my fertility: it’s doubtful my period will ever return AND even if it did and I tried to get pregnant, the estrogen levels would be so high making it too risky for me – couple that with the fact that I’m high risk for ovarian cancer, it became a very simple decision. However, I know I have not mourned the loss of my fertility and fully expect to have another downturn emotionally after the surgery when it is final.
An interesting note – I asked my gynecological oncologist/surgeon about the menopausal symptoms following the surgery. He said that if I have any symptoms – mood changes, hot flashes, etc., that I would get them in a few days to one week following the surgery. That quick! He said if I made it through the first month with no symptoms, then I’d probably be off scot-free. Please say a prayer that I won’t have bad symptoms as I can’t take normal menopausal medicines as they have hormones which I can’t have. The only drug they will allow me to be on is one specific anti-depressant and I really don’t want to have to be on drugs again.
On a positive note – I’ve seen my oncologist and breast surgeon recently for follow up appointments and it was cool to see them both with huge smiles on their faces. It was because I looked good again and not like death warmed over. It has got to be so gratifying knowing you saved someone’s life. I can’t even imagine that feeling. I feel so lucky to have the doctors I’ve had and think Piedmont Hospital is the best. I’ve been given such great care and with such compassion and kindness. Their cancer wellness program is amazing. In addition to seeing my counselor for free, I’ve also started taking a Monday night yoga class and it is all cancer survivors in the class. It feels good to be around women who don’t look at you funny when you raise both arms in the air and they aren’t even or you aren’t strong enough to even try the downward dog pose. On my first night, the teacher said to me, “Even if you spend the whole class asleep on your mat, we are glad you are here.” I’m so thankful for these programs because Piedmont believes you treat the whole person, not just the disease – and it has helped me tremendously.
I’m sorry I’ve been so bad about updating, but I’ve just been in the radiation, work and rest grind. It makes for a long day getting out the door so early, but the radiation technicians have been so nice and friendly, it makes going there somewhat enjoyable each morning. It will be weird not to have to go there every morning as I’ve grown accustomed to.
I’m not sure when I’ll update again. We are just a few weeks away from race weekend (March 5-7) and then just three days later is my surgery. I’ll be in the hospital overnight and then recovering at my parents for a week. It probably isn’t a good idea to go home right after as my kitties want to be on my lap all the time. I’ll try to update after the surgery so everyone knows all went well.
Thanks for keeping up with me!
Love,
Marcy
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Winding Down 2009
I wanted to wait until I had my two doctors’ appointments yesterday to give you all an update from last week’s surgery. All went well last Wednesday night with the surgery. The doctor took out the left side expander and was contemplating putting a new one in, however, once he got in there, he saw the skin graft from the original surgery did not take, so he felt it best not to put the new expander in to let the area heal, plus the expander he took out was on the left side -- the side they will be doing the radiation on – and since the expander has a magnet in it – so you can find the hole to insert the needle into to put more fluid into it – it will be easier for the radiation oncologist not to have to work around the magnet. He also put in a new drain on the left side, which came out yesterday. I still have the right side drain in as it is still putting out a significant amount of fluid. I hope and pray it comes out when I see him again on Dec. 28.
He also said he did not want me to go back to work until Jan. 4, so I had to take five more unpaid days off (Dec. 17 – 23). My doctor said I was worn out, didn’t give myself enough time to recover and wanted me to rest up as much as possible to be fresh for radiation at the first of the year. I was just so physically and emotionally spent from not having a break between chemo and the mastectomy, plus I hadn’t been healing properly from the surgery causing unnecessary pain and the additional complications. I have to admit, it has been great to be able to sleep in and rest; and I’ve seen the difference in my energy by really taking the time to heal.
I stayed with my parents after the surgery from Wednesday night through Saturday morning and the family dog, Brunswick, was again my buddy. He stayed with me on the couch for three days – he was such great company. Saturday, mom came home with me and busted her butt cooking and cleaning for two days, as I had planned a month ago to have all the girls over that cared for me during chemo – staying with me overnight and giving my parents a break. I have posted a picture of me with these wonderful women and am so thankful to have them in my life. Only a couple couldn’t make the party and it was really nice to be able to visit with all of them. I gave each of them a Hallmark ornament to mark this year – it was the “Good Friend Angel” ornament as that’s what they were to me this year. I couldn’t have gotten through chemo without their help and support.
You can tell in the picture that my eyebrows and eyelashes have started to grow back in quickly. In fact, my eyebrows grew back in so bushy, that I’ve had to pluck them twice now! I’m growing hair too – I’ve got that Demi Moore GI Jane look right now – very short, very dark, however, there are plenty of silver hairs in the there too. Oh well, guess I should be happy it is at least coming back!
I also saw the radiation oncologist yesterday. We did the mold and the initial measurements for my radiation treatments. I left there with green marker all over me and small tape markers on my body. I was able to wash the green marker off, except for the areas that were under the clear tape, so I look ridiculous, with spots of green all over my belly and chest. I have to keep it on until Monday when I see him again. It itches too and I’m not supposed to get it too wet, so that’ll be a challenge for the next six days.
I have five doctors’ appointments on Monday, Dec. 28: my counselor, an ultrasound for my gynecological oncologist, my reconstructive surgeon (hopefully to get my final drain taken out and maybe the stitches from the last surgery), my lymphadema specialist (to get my arm sleeve to wear after my daily radiation treatments) and finally, my radiation oncologist (to do the dry run through the radiation treatment) and then I will start with my daily (Mon – Fri) treatments on January 4. I will need to have 28 – 33 treatments, so that will put me finishing somewhere between February 10 – 17, just in time for race week!
My hysterectomy is scheduled for the Wednesday after race weekend, March 10, and that will put me out of work somewhere between four to six weeks. After that, I will finally get to start working again on my breast reconstruction. I have to wait for about six weeks after radiation until I can get the left expander put in, and then wait for a month for that incision to heal. Then, I will undergo two months of being expanded weekly, one month of letting it sit, and then the implants will go in. I won’t be done with everything in the one year timeframe I had hoped for, but I’m over wanting that goal now. I realize that I have to take things as they come, complications happen and I can’t plan it all out.
What I am thankful for is after all my appointments on Monday, we’ll leave for the beach that night, giving me four full days there, coming home Saturday, Jan. 2. I desperately need a break from work, from doctors’ appointments, from to do lists, from sitting in my house – just a change of scenery to a place where I’m expected to do nothing. Mom, Dad and the dog will go and I’m looking forward to that peaceful time where all I plan to do it rest, take walks on the beach, read books, eat at my favorite seafood places and do a little outlet shopping. I haven’t had a true vacation since Memorial Day weekend, so I’m looking forward to this trip. It will also help not having to drive to and from there, so it really will be a completely restful trip for me.
Speaking of eating, I’ve pretty much lost my appetite this past six weeks. I think it was due to a bit of depression and now that I’ve become accustomed to eating less, even if I’m hungry, I get full quickly. I’m currently down 19 pounds from pre-diagnosis and I’d like to lose another 11 pounds. I know I won’t be able to get on a serious workout plan until after the hysterectomy, but in addition to the treadmill I used to run/walk on, I will have to start lifting weights. The hysterectomy will put me into early menopause, which means I’ll start losing bone density earlier than women my age. In order to have strong bones when I’m elderly, I’ve got to work on that now. Think about it – I will be going into menopause 12 – 17 years earlier than I would under normal conditions, so that’ll make my bones older than they should be. In fact, my oncologist has me on three times daily Citrical + D pills already, plus a daily multi-vitamin. I’ve got to do all I can to make sure this cancer never comes back, so getting my weight down and building bone strength is part of my future.
I wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Even though I still have a lot ahead of me in 2010, I hope by this time next year, I’m feeling 100% and have much more hair!
Thanks for your love and continued support!
Love,
Marcy
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Complications
So last I updated you the recovery from the mastectomy was going as scheduled. Two of my four drains were removed about a week after the surgery and I still had two in.
Well, I went in on Wednesday, Dec. 9 hoping to get the other two drains removed. The plastic surgeon felt that only the left side drain was ready to come out and we would try to remove the right side one on Friday, Dec. 11. When I went into the office that Friday morning, he noticed my left side was red and building up fluid. He decided to do a needle aspiration to take out the fluid. Well, when he did, he ended up puncturing the expander and it started leaking out fluid. So much so that I had to return Friday afternoon to get more fluid removed. By Saturday at noon, the pressure and pain was back, so I returned on Monday, Dec. 14 to get more fluid taken out.
Since the doctor was going to have to replace the expander at some point, he called me yesterday (Dec. 15) and said he wanted to take it out as soon as possible since it had been causing me pain and we’d put the new one in after radiation. He said I would be more comfortable and the radiation oncologist would be happier not to have to work around the magnet that is in the expander.
Now I have to go under the knife two more times due to the mistake of the punctured expander and I’m not happy about it. The surgery to have the expander out is tonight (Dec. 16), so I’ll be out of work tomorrow and not sure about Friday. My right drain is still outputting a lot of fluid, so I have no idea when it will come out.
I know in my last blog I felt like I could take on the world, but lately, I’ve felt like a punching bag. I’m tired. I’m so incredibly tired. All the time. I wish I could put on my Billy Bad ass pants and feel like I can take it all on, but I’m worn down. Trying to be positive, this incision today will put off my start date for radiation, so I’m going to go to the beach during the Christmas break for a change of scenery and to relax and take a break from doctor’s appointments where I’m poked and prodded all the time. I need it and I hope it is the rejuvenation I need before taking on radiation and going back to work after the 1st of the year.
I wish everyone nothing but the happiest holiday season possible even though I’m not in the merriest of spirits. I know I should be thankful to have received the best gift I’ve been given this year – to live through this cancer, however right now my body is pretty beat up and I’m having a hard time being happy through the pain and fatigue. I guess that’s why they call it a battle, I guess.
Happy Holidays everyone!
Love,
Marcy
Well, I went in on Wednesday, Dec. 9 hoping to get the other two drains removed. The plastic surgeon felt that only the left side drain was ready to come out and we would try to remove the right side one on Friday, Dec. 11. When I went into the office that Friday morning, he noticed my left side was red and building up fluid. He decided to do a needle aspiration to take out the fluid. Well, when he did, he ended up puncturing the expander and it started leaking out fluid. So much so that I had to return Friday afternoon to get more fluid removed. By Saturday at noon, the pressure and pain was back, so I returned on Monday, Dec. 14 to get more fluid taken out.
Since the doctor was going to have to replace the expander at some point, he called me yesterday (Dec. 15) and said he wanted to take it out as soon as possible since it had been causing me pain and we’d put the new one in after radiation. He said I would be more comfortable and the radiation oncologist would be happier not to have to work around the magnet that is in the expander.
Now I have to go under the knife two more times due to the mistake of the punctured expander and I’m not happy about it. The surgery to have the expander out is tonight (Dec. 16), so I’ll be out of work tomorrow and not sure about Friday. My right drain is still outputting a lot of fluid, so I have no idea when it will come out.
I know in my last blog I felt like I could take on the world, but lately, I’ve felt like a punching bag. I’m tired. I’m so incredibly tired. All the time. I wish I could put on my Billy Bad ass pants and feel like I can take it all on, but I’m worn down. Trying to be positive, this incision today will put off my start date for radiation, so I’m going to go to the beach during the Christmas break for a change of scenery and to relax and take a break from doctor’s appointments where I’m poked and prodded all the time. I need it and I hope it is the rejuvenation I need before taking on radiation and going back to work after the 1st of the year.
I wish everyone nothing but the happiest holiday season possible even though I’m not in the merriest of spirits. I know I should be thankful to have received the best gift I’ve been given this year – to live through this cancer, however right now my body is pretty beat up and I’m having a hard time being happy through the pain and fatigue. I guess that’s why they call it a battle, I guess.
Happy Holidays everyone!
Love,
Marcy
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Boom, Boom, Cow!
I’m sorry it has taken me so long to update my blog. I haven’t for a couple reasons: 1) my arms haven’t allowed me to get on a computer until a couple of days ago and 2) I just haven’t had the energy to recap the whole surgery until now, plus I had two doctors’ appointments yesterday and I really wanted to wait until I had them so I could give you all the updated information.
The mastectomy surgery with expander insertion and lymph node dissection was much harder and painful than anyone could have prepared me for. When trying to explain it to friends and family, I told them it felt like a bomb went off in my chest from one underarm area, across my chest to the other. I stayed in the hospital for two nights and was discharged on Saturday, Nov. 21st. I couldn’t take care of myself at all, so instead of going home to my house, I went to my parents’ house. Since I couldn’t lift myself in and out of bed, they had recliners in their house and that’s where I stayed for most of the first week. Every day I progressed a little bit more and more. I had considerable pain in my left underarm area from the armpit to the elbow and the doctors said that was normal due to the removal of the lymph nodes. It took three days before I could even use the lever for the legs to get me in and out of the recliner. The best I can explain is the drains they have in me limits the mobility of my arms – I can’t reach over my head or down to my toes. And the expanders they have in my chest feel like a steel bra and I can’t roll my shoulders in. Just yesterday I was finally able to put on socks without help. I’m meeting with a lymphadema specialist Friday to help with the pliability of the expanders while they are in.
The plastic surgeon also had to do skin grafts to make the surgery more successful for my muscles, since all the breast tissue around them was removed. After the surgery, my mom told me he used cow tongue for the skin grafts. I said, “Great, bring the cow jokes on now.” Although, if anyone ever calls me a “fat cow” now, I can reply, “Why, thank you!” since cows are supposed to be fat!
I’m still forced to sleep on my back – I cannot use my sides at all and since I’m a stomach sleeper normally, it has been tough. For almost a week, I couldn’t lift myself out of bed once I was in it. I also had to get up each night at 3 a.m. to take medicine. Since it hurt to yell because of my chest area, I would whistle from my bed and out sweet boxer Brunswick, would start whining and go get my mom up to come help me. Normally, he follows my mom around the house, but that first week, he would sleep on the floor of the den while I was in the recliner keeping me company. One day I was crying because I was in so much pain and he got up and started giving me kisses – he hated to see my upset. He’s been my little angel while I’ve been here.
Two of my four drains came out last Friday. What a great doctor – he came in the Friday after Thanksgiving when the office was closed to take them out. I can’t believe how lucky I have been in getting such great doctors. The other two drains come out this Friday, so I’ll be back to work this Monday. I had thought I would go back to work today or tomorrow, but he said I could not go back to work until the two final drains came out and he was right; I’m still not self-sufficient. I’m hoping I can at least try sleeping on my side when the drains come out. I won’t be able to sleep on my stomach until my implants get put in and that will be many months away now. I’m also hoping by tomorrow or Friday I can finally bathe on my own without help from my mother. She’s been my rock, helping me every step of the way.
So here’s the big news everyone has been waiting for. My breast surgeon called with the pathology report. There are 18 lymph nodes in my armpit and one in my breast. They took out a total of six lymph nodes -- the one from my breast and five from the armpit. She said that the chemo did a kick ass job and all the tests came back with reading free of cancer. All the tissue on my right breast was clear and they got all the tissue on the left side.
Because my cancer was in the lymph system, they don't want to take any chances, so they want to do radiation just in case some little cell is stuck somewhere in the lymphatic system surrounding the breast. I met my radiation oncologist yesterday and he is amazing. He’s been doing this for 25 years – he’s so knowledgeable and has a great beside manner. I know I will be in great care under his watch. I see him again on the 21st of December. He will make sure all my incisions are healed properly, that I have proper range of motion to be able to lay comfortably with both arms behind my head. Once those criteria are met, then they will make a mold and take measurements for my treatments. He said that we will do 28 to 33 sessions and he believes we can start right after Christmas; I will go every weekday until complete. The biggest concern he has is since we are radiating the left side, it is very close to my heart, so he will be involved every step of the way to protect my heart and make sure it does not get hit with any of the radiation beams. Also, side effect wise that I should expect to be sunburned and experience fatigue. He said I should have no problems working through this timeframe, but I would be going to bed early each night due to the fatigue and it gets worse the more treatments I get. He also said I would be very prone to viral infections, so I would need to stay away from large crowds, etc., so I’m back to being in prison again – going to work and home only and I can’t go anywhere else. That’s the part that is most difficult for me – having my normal life taken away from me for so long and not being able to do what my body wants to do.
They make it really easy though to go every day for the radiation. They only want it to take 20 minutes total out of your day. They let you park in the Emergency Room parking area at Piedmont. You go in, it takes about eight minutes to set the room up and I’ll be radiated for only two to three minutes. They have early morning appointments starting at 7:30 a.m., so I hope it won’t eat into my workday much. I’m keeping a positive attitude about the radiation. Even though it wasn’t the outcome I wanted, I’m under the care of such an amazing doctor and they really do want to make it as easy as they can on me.
I feel so much stronger after chemotherapy and this surgery. Someone asked me how I was doing after the surgery and I said, “I’m bruised and battered, but not broken. Give me anything now – I can take it on.” I never dreamed I had this strength in me. I honestly thought this surgery was even harder than my chemotherapy, which is why I’m okay with having to go through the radiation now. Bring it on, I can do anything now. You can’t break me.
I saw my oncologist yesterday too. I thanked him for shrinking so much of my cancer with the chemotherapy, which made for a much successful surgery. My breast surgeon was just singing his praises as it made her job much easier for removing the cancer. He said as it stands right now, I’m cancer free. I will continue to see him over the next 10 years for follow up and I’m thankful to have such a great doctor. In fact, all my doctors at Piedmont Hospital have been amazing. I am truly blessed to have such a great healthcare team.
Once the radiation is complete, then I’ll start scheduling my hysterectomy and the breast reconstruction phases. I’m not sure when all of it will be complete, but I want to get all of these procedures done as soon as I can, so I can get this phase of my life over with and get back to being me again!
Lastly, right after the surgery, I noticed that almost all my eyebrows and eyelashes were gone. My left eye had only two lashes and my right eyebrow had three stands left. I was really bummed. It also made it hard to put my contacts in. But surprisingly, while I’ve been home recuperating, my hair is starting to come back. I have some peach fuzz growing on my head and eyebrows, so I’m excited about that, even though I know it will be awkward growing it out. The only thing I’m not looking forward to is having to start shaving my legs again!
Thank you everyone for the flowers, cards, balloons, food, emails and phone calls of support and concern. It meant so much. One of the sweetest gifts I received was from one of my best friends who lives next door to me. Not only has she been feeding my cats and plants while I’ve been at my parents for two weeks, but she decorated my Christmas tree as that was the one thing I didn’t get a chance to do before my surgery. I stopped by my house yesterday for a few things between doctor appointments and just started crying when I saw it. It was such a thoughtful thing to do and it makes coming home tomorrow even sweeter.
Love to you all!
Marcy
The mastectomy surgery with expander insertion and lymph node dissection was much harder and painful than anyone could have prepared me for. When trying to explain it to friends and family, I told them it felt like a bomb went off in my chest from one underarm area, across my chest to the other. I stayed in the hospital for two nights and was discharged on Saturday, Nov. 21st. I couldn’t take care of myself at all, so instead of going home to my house, I went to my parents’ house. Since I couldn’t lift myself in and out of bed, they had recliners in their house and that’s where I stayed for most of the first week. Every day I progressed a little bit more and more. I had considerable pain in my left underarm area from the armpit to the elbow and the doctors said that was normal due to the removal of the lymph nodes. It took three days before I could even use the lever for the legs to get me in and out of the recliner. The best I can explain is the drains they have in me limits the mobility of my arms – I can’t reach over my head or down to my toes. And the expanders they have in my chest feel like a steel bra and I can’t roll my shoulders in. Just yesterday I was finally able to put on socks without help. I’m meeting with a lymphadema specialist Friday to help with the pliability of the expanders while they are in.
The plastic surgeon also had to do skin grafts to make the surgery more successful for my muscles, since all the breast tissue around them was removed. After the surgery, my mom told me he used cow tongue for the skin grafts. I said, “Great, bring the cow jokes on now.” Although, if anyone ever calls me a “fat cow” now, I can reply, “Why, thank you!” since cows are supposed to be fat!
I’m still forced to sleep on my back – I cannot use my sides at all and since I’m a stomach sleeper normally, it has been tough. For almost a week, I couldn’t lift myself out of bed once I was in it. I also had to get up each night at 3 a.m. to take medicine. Since it hurt to yell because of my chest area, I would whistle from my bed and out sweet boxer Brunswick, would start whining and go get my mom up to come help me. Normally, he follows my mom around the house, but that first week, he would sleep on the floor of the den while I was in the recliner keeping me company. One day I was crying because I was in so much pain and he got up and started giving me kisses – he hated to see my upset. He’s been my little angel while I’ve been here.
Two of my four drains came out last Friday. What a great doctor – he came in the Friday after Thanksgiving when the office was closed to take them out. I can’t believe how lucky I have been in getting such great doctors. The other two drains come out this Friday, so I’ll be back to work this Monday. I had thought I would go back to work today or tomorrow, but he said I could not go back to work until the two final drains came out and he was right; I’m still not self-sufficient. I’m hoping I can at least try sleeping on my side when the drains come out. I won’t be able to sleep on my stomach until my implants get put in and that will be many months away now. I’m also hoping by tomorrow or Friday I can finally bathe on my own without help from my mother. She’s been my rock, helping me every step of the way.
So here’s the big news everyone has been waiting for. My breast surgeon called with the pathology report. There are 18 lymph nodes in my armpit and one in my breast. They took out a total of six lymph nodes -- the one from my breast and five from the armpit. She said that the chemo did a kick ass job and all the tests came back with reading free of cancer. All the tissue on my right breast was clear and they got all the tissue on the left side.
Because my cancer was in the lymph system, they don't want to take any chances, so they want to do radiation just in case some little cell is stuck somewhere in the lymphatic system surrounding the breast. I met my radiation oncologist yesterday and he is amazing. He’s been doing this for 25 years – he’s so knowledgeable and has a great beside manner. I know I will be in great care under his watch. I see him again on the 21st of December. He will make sure all my incisions are healed properly, that I have proper range of motion to be able to lay comfortably with both arms behind my head. Once those criteria are met, then they will make a mold and take measurements for my treatments. He said that we will do 28 to 33 sessions and he believes we can start right after Christmas; I will go every weekday until complete. The biggest concern he has is since we are radiating the left side, it is very close to my heart, so he will be involved every step of the way to protect my heart and make sure it does not get hit with any of the radiation beams. Also, side effect wise that I should expect to be sunburned and experience fatigue. He said I should have no problems working through this timeframe, but I would be going to bed early each night due to the fatigue and it gets worse the more treatments I get. He also said I would be very prone to viral infections, so I would need to stay away from large crowds, etc., so I’m back to being in prison again – going to work and home only and I can’t go anywhere else. That’s the part that is most difficult for me – having my normal life taken away from me for so long and not being able to do what my body wants to do.
They make it really easy though to go every day for the radiation. They only want it to take 20 minutes total out of your day. They let you park in the Emergency Room parking area at Piedmont. You go in, it takes about eight minutes to set the room up and I’ll be radiated for only two to three minutes. They have early morning appointments starting at 7:30 a.m., so I hope it won’t eat into my workday much. I’m keeping a positive attitude about the radiation. Even though it wasn’t the outcome I wanted, I’m under the care of such an amazing doctor and they really do want to make it as easy as they can on me.
I feel so much stronger after chemotherapy and this surgery. Someone asked me how I was doing after the surgery and I said, “I’m bruised and battered, but not broken. Give me anything now – I can take it on.” I never dreamed I had this strength in me. I honestly thought this surgery was even harder than my chemotherapy, which is why I’m okay with having to go through the radiation now. Bring it on, I can do anything now. You can’t break me.
I saw my oncologist yesterday too. I thanked him for shrinking so much of my cancer with the chemotherapy, which made for a much successful surgery. My breast surgeon was just singing his praises as it made her job much easier for removing the cancer. He said as it stands right now, I’m cancer free. I will continue to see him over the next 10 years for follow up and I’m thankful to have such a great doctor. In fact, all my doctors at Piedmont Hospital have been amazing. I am truly blessed to have such a great healthcare team.
Once the radiation is complete, then I’ll start scheduling my hysterectomy and the breast reconstruction phases. I’m not sure when all of it will be complete, but I want to get all of these procedures done as soon as I can, so I can get this phase of my life over with and get back to being me again!
Lastly, right after the surgery, I noticed that almost all my eyebrows and eyelashes were gone. My left eye had only two lashes and my right eyebrow had three stands left. I was really bummed. It also made it hard to put my contacts in. But surprisingly, while I’ve been home recuperating, my hair is starting to come back. I have some peach fuzz growing on my head and eyebrows, so I’m excited about that, even though I know it will be awkward growing it out. The only thing I’m not looking forward to is having to start shaving my legs again!
Thank you everyone for the flowers, cards, balloons, food, emails and phone calls of support and concern. It meant so much. One of the sweetest gifts I received was from one of my best friends who lives next door to me. Not only has she been feeding my cats and plants while I’ve been at my parents for two weeks, but she decorated my Christmas tree as that was the one thing I didn’t get a chance to do before my surgery. I stopped by my house yesterday for a few things between doctor appointments and just started crying when I saw it. It was such a thoughtful thing to do and it makes coming home tomorrow even sweeter.
Love to you all!
Marcy
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Curveball and Stuck in Neutral
Had I written this blog before today, I would have been sobbing the whole time while writing it. Last week was emotionally one of the toughest weeks I’ve had since I started this journey.
For starters, I’m still dealing with the feet and hand pain. The oncologist said this is a neuropathic side effect and could last months, which I assumed stupidly that it would go away in like two weeks. It gets less and less by the day, but I’m still wearing my tennis/comfort shoes and it hurts to write. My handwriting is horrible these days. Thankfully, it is easier to type.
As I stated in my last blog, I had two doctors’ appointments over the past two weeks. First was the visit to my plastic surgeon. Actually, that visit went okay. We discussed his part in the upcoming mastectomy surgery – he will be putting in the extenders and doing a skin graft for better results. I’ll be flat until he starts inflating the extenders, and he can’t start inflating until after radiation if I still need it. He said it would take two months to inflate them, one month to let them sit and then we could start the reconstruction stages, which would come in three separate outpatient procedures. He said the extender phase is painful. He said they don’t look normal and are very hard. So I asked him, “So what about a stomach sleeper like me?” He answered, “You better find another sleeping position or you’re going to be miserable.” Great. Another bummer was he said he couldn’t use my belly fat as thought before due to my blood clot history – too risky, so no tummy tuck for me!
The curveball came at my visit to my gynecological oncologist. I went in there thinking we were going to schedule the ovaries and fallopian tubes surgery, which I was hoping to do in March after race weekend. However, my doctor asked me, “What about your uterus?” I responded, “I thought I got to keep it so I could do a donor egg pregnancy.” He said, “But can you? If you can’t use it, I’d like to take it because it would be better for you side effect wise.” And then it hit me: Hormones. He told me to call my fertility doctor and my oncologist to figure it out and get back to him. My fertility doctor confirmed that a donor egg pregnancy would have to be supported through hormones. I called my oncologist and he said that he would never allow me to be on hormones again – that the only studies that have been done on hormones and cancer patients were on women who were cancer free for five years and taking hormones for menopause. He said no studies have been done on fertility drugs and since I had the BRCA gene that he can’t in good conscience ever allow me to take hormones again. I asked him about the doctor’s recommendation about taking the uterus and he said it would be a much safer surgery for me in the long run. So instead of having a smaller surgery, I’m having a full hysterectomy, which will require a six week recovery. My only options now for children are a surrogate with a donor egg or adoption. I know that’s not the end of the world, but it feels like it for me right now. I know I’ll get to that point one day where I will embrace those options, but right now my dream, which I thought wasn’t all that unrealistic because it seems the norm for most everyone in this world, has been shattered.
After talking to my oncologist, I lost it. It’s hard enough dealing with cancer alone, and then to lump all the fertility losses on top of it, I was officially in the mad and depressed stage of grief all at once – what I call “Stuck in Neutral.” I’m not moving forward, not moving backward. Just stuck. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in two weeks in my whole life. It’s been overwhelming. I know I should be thankful that I’m alive and that I will beat this disease, but I’m grieving for what I’m losing – my fertility and my body parts all the same time. I still can’t imagine what it will be like to wake up from surgery to find my breasts gone. I’m trying to prepare for that, but I feel I’ll have another wave of weepiness coming on afterwards.
Fortunately, I’ve begun seeing a counselor at cancer support at Piedmont Hospital and she’s helping me through all the myriad of emotions that go with a cancer patient. She’s a survivor, so not only is she licensed, she gets it and all her patients are cancer patients, so she’s extremely helpful. I’m also thankful to have my friend who survived leukemia. She’s been wonderful of helping me put my emotions into perspective and be okay with it all. Right now, I have to go through these mad and depressed stages to get out on the other side healthy. If not, all it will do is manifest itself somewhere and come out later in some form or fashion. As much as I’m thankful for all the supportive friends and family, sometimes it takes talking to someone who knows exactly what you are feeling and to let you know its okay to feel that way is reassuring. I’ve always been a glass half full person and it sucks to be so negative these days. Talking to these two wonderful women is certainly helping me slowly crawl out of my hole.
I know it’s a tough road ahead still even with chemo behind me. It will still have its ups and downs. My biggest downfall is my patience and I’m so ready to be on the road to recovery and I still have a long way to go before I get there. I want my life back right now and it can’t happen. I miss my life I had before this diagnosis. I get frustrated when my body won’t allow me to do the things I want to do. And for a person that isn’t patient, it isn’t a good combination. This disease wants you to take it “one day at a time” and I’m not good at that. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still a battle for me. But I’m trying though. That’s all I can do for now.
I’m glad I’m writing this now because after speaking to these two women and a few special friends, I have a renewed sense of optimism for the future – that there will be an even better version of me in the future – still me, but looking through a different set of lenses where you see the world more clearer and know what’s important. One of those friends was an ex-boyfriend from many moons ago; 22 years to be exact. He reminded me of the things that make me special and they have nothing to do with looks. He told me it’s what’s between my ears that makes me, me and to never forget that. Looks fade, but it’s what’s in my brain that makes me the woman I am – smart, confident, funny and beautiful. It’s hard to feel that way when your outward appearance is at its worst, but it was a great reminder and gave me great hope for the future of the woman I will be again one day when I’m done traveling this road.
Wish me luck on my surgery, that everything goes safely and smoothly – I’ve never had a five-hour surgery before and I’m very nervous. I think this is the first time in a long time that I can officially feel the butterflies in my stomach. I wish I didn’t have to wait another day.
Please also say a prayer I get good news on December 1 that I won’t need radiation. I realized that I was locked on that being the news because I felt I deserved a break with all the problems I’d had on this road so far, but after speaking to the counselor, I’ve prepared myself if it does come back that I need it instead of holding on tightly to what the doctor said. One day at a time, right?
Thank you all for your continued words of kindness and support.
With love,
Marcy
For starters, I’m still dealing with the feet and hand pain. The oncologist said this is a neuropathic side effect and could last months, which I assumed stupidly that it would go away in like two weeks. It gets less and less by the day, but I’m still wearing my tennis/comfort shoes and it hurts to write. My handwriting is horrible these days. Thankfully, it is easier to type.
As I stated in my last blog, I had two doctors’ appointments over the past two weeks. First was the visit to my plastic surgeon. Actually, that visit went okay. We discussed his part in the upcoming mastectomy surgery – he will be putting in the extenders and doing a skin graft for better results. I’ll be flat until he starts inflating the extenders, and he can’t start inflating until after radiation if I still need it. He said it would take two months to inflate them, one month to let them sit and then we could start the reconstruction stages, which would come in three separate outpatient procedures. He said the extender phase is painful. He said they don’t look normal and are very hard. So I asked him, “So what about a stomach sleeper like me?” He answered, “You better find another sleeping position or you’re going to be miserable.” Great. Another bummer was he said he couldn’t use my belly fat as thought before due to my blood clot history – too risky, so no tummy tuck for me!
The curveball came at my visit to my gynecological oncologist. I went in there thinking we were going to schedule the ovaries and fallopian tubes surgery, which I was hoping to do in March after race weekend. However, my doctor asked me, “What about your uterus?” I responded, “I thought I got to keep it so I could do a donor egg pregnancy.” He said, “But can you? If you can’t use it, I’d like to take it because it would be better for you side effect wise.” And then it hit me: Hormones. He told me to call my fertility doctor and my oncologist to figure it out and get back to him. My fertility doctor confirmed that a donor egg pregnancy would have to be supported through hormones. I called my oncologist and he said that he would never allow me to be on hormones again – that the only studies that have been done on hormones and cancer patients were on women who were cancer free for five years and taking hormones for menopause. He said no studies have been done on fertility drugs and since I had the BRCA gene that he can’t in good conscience ever allow me to take hormones again. I asked him about the doctor’s recommendation about taking the uterus and he said it would be a much safer surgery for me in the long run. So instead of having a smaller surgery, I’m having a full hysterectomy, which will require a six week recovery. My only options now for children are a surrogate with a donor egg or adoption. I know that’s not the end of the world, but it feels like it for me right now. I know I’ll get to that point one day where I will embrace those options, but right now my dream, which I thought wasn’t all that unrealistic because it seems the norm for most everyone in this world, has been shattered.
After talking to my oncologist, I lost it. It’s hard enough dealing with cancer alone, and then to lump all the fertility losses on top of it, I was officially in the mad and depressed stage of grief all at once – what I call “Stuck in Neutral.” I’m not moving forward, not moving backward. Just stuck. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in two weeks in my whole life. It’s been overwhelming. I know I should be thankful that I’m alive and that I will beat this disease, but I’m grieving for what I’m losing – my fertility and my body parts all the same time. I still can’t imagine what it will be like to wake up from surgery to find my breasts gone. I’m trying to prepare for that, but I feel I’ll have another wave of weepiness coming on afterwards.
Fortunately, I’ve begun seeing a counselor at cancer support at Piedmont Hospital and she’s helping me through all the myriad of emotions that go with a cancer patient. She’s a survivor, so not only is she licensed, she gets it and all her patients are cancer patients, so she’s extremely helpful. I’m also thankful to have my friend who survived leukemia. She’s been wonderful of helping me put my emotions into perspective and be okay with it all. Right now, I have to go through these mad and depressed stages to get out on the other side healthy. If not, all it will do is manifest itself somewhere and come out later in some form or fashion. As much as I’m thankful for all the supportive friends and family, sometimes it takes talking to someone who knows exactly what you are feeling and to let you know its okay to feel that way is reassuring. I’ve always been a glass half full person and it sucks to be so negative these days. Talking to these two wonderful women is certainly helping me slowly crawl out of my hole.
I know it’s a tough road ahead still even with chemo behind me. It will still have its ups and downs. My biggest downfall is my patience and I’m so ready to be on the road to recovery and I still have a long way to go before I get there. I want my life back right now and it can’t happen. I miss my life I had before this diagnosis. I get frustrated when my body won’t allow me to do the things I want to do. And for a person that isn’t patient, it isn’t a good combination. This disease wants you to take it “one day at a time” and I’m not good at that. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still a battle for me. But I’m trying though. That’s all I can do for now.
I’m glad I’m writing this now because after speaking to these two women and a few special friends, I have a renewed sense of optimism for the future – that there will be an even better version of me in the future – still me, but looking through a different set of lenses where you see the world more clearer and know what’s important. One of those friends was an ex-boyfriend from many moons ago; 22 years to be exact. He reminded me of the things that make me special and they have nothing to do with looks. He told me it’s what’s between my ears that makes me, me and to never forget that. Looks fade, but it’s what’s in my brain that makes me the woman I am – smart, confident, funny and beautiful. It’s hard to feel that way when your outward appearance is at its worst, but it was a great reminder and gave me great hope for the future of the woman I will be again one day when I’m done traveling this road.
Wish me luck on my surgery, that everything goes safely and smoothly – I’ve never had a five-hour surgery before and I’m very nervous. I think this is the first time in a long time that I can officially feel the butterflies in my stomach. I wish I didn’t have to wait another day.
Please also say a prayer I get good news on December 1 that I won’t need radiation. I realized that I was locked on that being the news because I felt I deserved a break with all the problems I’d had on this road so far, but after speaking to the counselor, I’ve prepared myself if it does come back that I need it instead of holding on tightly to what the doctor said. One day at a time, right?
Thank you all for your continued words of kindness and support.
With love,
Marcy
Monday, November 2, 2009
Chemo, Check. Mastectomy, Next.
I know in my last blog, I was really down. Sometimes you just have those days. Fortunately, I haven’t had many of them and have managed to stay positive most of the time. However, when Oct. 22 rolled around, I was in a GREAT mood. It was my last chemo and I was ready to celebrate having that behind me. Even though I knew I technically wasn’t “done” with chemo because I hadn’t suffered through the side effects, it would be the last time that I would have to do either.
While in my oncologist’s office, he said for the second time that I might not have to have radiation. I didn’t mention when he said it the first time because I didn’t want to get my heart set on not having to have it, only to get let down. But he said it a SECOND TIME! I’m not sure what he’s basing it on, but he’s said it twice now and that’s good enough for me. I guess it depends on the surgery and what they see on making that decision. I have a follow up appointment with him on Dec. 1 after the surgery and I guess we will wait and see what he says then. I don’t want to come this far and skimp at the end, but if he says I don’t need radiation, I won’t question him. In fact, I joked with him that if he tells me that good news, he better run because I plan on getting a running start and then leaping to give him the biggest bear hug of his life where he will land on his back on the floor. We both laughed, but seriously, that would be such great news to receive. If I do have to have radiation, it will require me to go every day, five days a week for six weeks, plus its side effects is extreme fatigue and to be quite honest, I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’d like to get this surgery over and done with and get to feeling better. Please say a prayer that I get to skip radiation.
Speaking of the surgery, we are all set for Thursday, Nov. 19. I can’t believe that’s only 2.5 weeks away. I will be out of work for two weeks and I know the recovery won’t be easy, but after enduring chemo, I feel I can take on anything.
This last chemo was the worst with the body aches by far. I had the chemo on Thursday and by Friday night the body aches had kicked in. They progressively got worse, so bad that it hurt to move by Sunday. My poor dad was with me on the Sunday and Monday following the chemo and he had to put up with my sobs. I know it sucks for a man to sit there and stare at someone he loves and cannot do anything to help. I know he was very uncomfortable and it hurt me to see the look on his face knowing he wanted to take my pain away. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday, sitting with my legs straight out, as from my knees down hurt. Wednesday, I went to the office (having a co-worker drive me) and worked from the office couch in the same position. By Thursday, I could drive myself to work and by Friday, I could walk without being in excruciating pain. I spent Saturday and Sunday with my parents for Halloween, just because I didn’t want to be alone – I was having one of those “I want my mommy” days. There’s nothing like having your mom take care of you. I actually had a great weekend with my parents and the family dog, and even took my first walk in weeks. As of right now, my hands and feet are still in pain, but it is bearable. The feeling is a combination of pain and numbness. I can’t wait until I have a day when I’m pain free – I’m not sure what that would be like.
I’m still trying to be careful and avoid crowds because I don’t want to get sick before my surgery. I know this surgery is going to have a tough recovery (they say it takes two weeks to even get to 90%) and I want to be as strong as I can be going into it. I’m still battling fatigue, so I’m still taking my naps during the day and going to bed early each night. I’m trying to stay as busy as possible before the surgery, just because each time I think about it, I start to get upset. I will work every weekday leading up until the surgery, so that will help to keep my mind occupied.
I’m trying to look at the bright side of the surgery, not only do I not have to do my hair anymore, I won’t have to wear a bra either. Boy do guys have it easy! The one thing that bums me out is I initially didn’t lose my eyelashes or eyebrows when my hair fell out, but for some reason over the past few weeks, they have started to go away. I have stopped wearing mascara for fear all my eyelashes will fall out and then how will I put in my contacts?
I know I haven’t blogged in awhile --- this last go round with the pain was the worst, so I’m sorry. Thanks to everyone who keeps sending me notes of encouragement; it really does help – putting a smile on my face and lifting my spirits up. I’ve got two more doctor appointments before the surgery so I will blog if I have any news coming out of those.
Gotta run – my hands are cramping up some as it hurts to type. Love to you all!
Love,
Marcy
While in my oncologist’s office, he said for the second time that I might not have to have radiation. I didn’t mention when he said it the first time because I didn’t want to get my heart set on not having to have it, only to get let down. But he said it a SECOND TIME! I’m not sure what he’s basing it on, but he’s said it twice now and that’s good enough for me. I guess it depends on the surgery and what they see on making that decision. I have a follow up appointment with him on Dec. 1 after the surgery and I guess we will wait and see what he says then. I don’t want to come this far and skimp at the end, but if he says I don’t need radiation, I won’t question him. In fact, I joked with him that if he tells me that good news, he better run because I plan on getting a running start and then leaping to give him the biggest bear hug of his life where he will land on his back on the floor. We both laughed, but seriously, that would be such great news to receive. If I do have to have radiation, it will require me to go every day, five days a week for six weeks, plus its side effects is extreme fatigue and to be quite honest, I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’d like to get this surgery over and done with and get to feeling better. Please say a prayer that I get to skip radiation.
Speaking of the surgery, we are all set for Thursday, Nov. 19. I can’t believe that’s only 2.5 weeks away. I will be out of work for two weeks and I know the recovery won’t be easy, but after enduring chemo, I feel I can take on anything.
This last chemo was the worst with the body aches by far. I had the chemo on Thursday and by Friday night the body aches had kicked in. They progressively got worse, so bad that it hurt to move by Sunday. My poor dad was with me on the Sunday and Monday following the chemo and he had to put up with my sobs. I know it sucks for a man to sit there and stare at someone he loves and cannot do anything to help. I know he was very uncomfortable and it hurt me to see the look on his face knowing he wanted to take my pain away. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday, sitting with my legs straight out, as from my knees down hurt. Wednesday, I went to the office (having a co-worker drive me) and worked from the office couch in the same position. By Thursday, I could drive myself to work and by Friday, I could walk without being in excruciating pain. I spent Saturday and Sunday with my parents for Halloween, just because I didn’t want to be alone – I was having one of those “I want my mommy” days. There’s nothing like having your mom take care of you. I actually had a great weekend with my parents and the family dog, and even took my first walk in weeks. As of right now, my hands and feet are still in pain, but it is bearable. The feeling is a combination of pain and numbness. I can’t wait until I have a day when I’m pain free – I’m not sure what that would be like.
I’m still trying to be careful and avoid crowds because I don’t want to get sick before my surgery. I know this surgery is going to have a tough recovery (they say it takes two weeks to even get to 90%) and I want to be as strong as I can be going into it. I’m still battling fatigue, so I’m still taking my naps during the day and going to bed early each night. I’m trying to stay as busy as possible before the surgery, just because each time I think about it, I start to get upset. I will work every weekday leading up until the surgery, so that will help to keep my mind occupied.
I’m trying to look at the bright side of the surgery, not only do I not have to do my hair anymore, I won’t have to wear a bra either. Boy do guys have it easy! The one thing that bums me out is I initially didn’t lose my eyelashes or eyebrows when my hair fell out, but for some reason over the past few weeks, they have started to go away. I have stopped wearing mascara for fear all my eyelashes will fall out and then how will I put in my contacts?
I know I haven’t blogged in awhile --- this last go round with the pain was the worst, so I’m sorry. Thanks to everyone who keeps sending me notes of encouragement; it really does help – putting a smile on my face and lifting my spirits up. I’ve got two more doctor appointments before the surgery so I will blog if I have any news coming out of those.
Gotta run – my hands are cramping up some as it hurts to type. Love to you all!
Love,
Marcy
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