How is it that I feel blessed?

Even though I’m going through this hellish process, I’m blown away about how blessed I am.

Between my family, friends, my work family at AMS, the Atlanta sports media community and being a part of the NASCAR community, I am astounded at how much love and support I have right now. All I can think about is the people who go through something like this and do not have the network of support that I do. I cannot imagine facing this and feeling alone without any assistance.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me an email or post of support. This has given me more strength than you will ever know. I am also touched by how many of you have been impacted by cancer in your life – yourself, a family member or a friend. I have also had quite a few people reach out to offer advice for those that have gone through this. Thank you and I may reach out in the future, but right now I’m getting all the information I can about the next few weeks ahead from my doctors. I’m not sure I want to jump too far ahead learning about this road I have in front of me the next few months. I am already scared enough and processing so much information right now. In some ways, ignorance is bliss. I can’t imagine having more to worry about that isn’t right in front of me. This will be a long journey and I’m sure there will be time to connect.

I’m also so impressed with the cancer program at Piedmont Hospital. I swear, everyone there must have to pass some type of kindness test in order to work there. I have a nurse that is dedicated to me and my time with her does not get billed to my insurance program. They have a wellness center that provides counseling services, a nutritionist, yoga classes, acupuncture, massage, cooking classes, resources classes all for free for cancer patients. I am blown away by all they provide and all of this is provided by grants from the Susan G. Komen foundation and the American Cancer Society mostly, I believe. So for any of you that donate to those organizations – THANK YOU! I cannot tell you how wonderful that resource is – it is such a comfort. I signed up for a class that will provide beauty techniques to battle the side effects of chemo. I didn’t realize that I won’t be able to use many of the beauty products I use now. My bathroom is going to have to undergo a complete overhaul.

Yesterday was a good news/bad news day.
The good news:
1) Talked to the nurse I mentioned above and she was AMAZING. I was able to ask her the myriad of questions. She informed me that if my biopsy comes back with a positive reading for the HER2, that is the chemo that I will have to undergo once a week. Please pray for that to come back negative. She said if I do not have that, then I should expect to have chemo treatments every two to three weeks. She suggested after my first chemo treatment, to set aside the whole next week off work, as I won’t be able to know which day will be my “bad” day. She said for some people it is day 2, for some day 5, but the good news is that once I find what my “bad” day will be, that I can predict that to be my bad day going forward. That if I get sick on day 5, it will always be day 5, so that’s good news. She also assured me that this time I’m going through right now is the worst time, just because there is still so much unknown. That once I get through this, that I can finally figure out what my new “normal” would be. She said it won’t be fun, but it will be predictable, so I can try to lead as normal I life I can. That this is my hell period right now, so I have hope that it won’t be worse than this – thank God, because it is bad.
2) I was also told that one of my coworker’s wife is a nurse where I am having my surgery Tuesday, so he promised she would take good care of my and my family/friends, so that was very comforting.

For the bad news:
1) When I went to go make my appointment with the wig person, I was informed my insurance does not provide wigs for cancer patients. The wigs can run $450-$650 for synthetic and human hair wigs start at $1,000. Tracy Carmony with WXIA-TV has offered to coordinate putting a fund together for anyone wanting to help donate and her email address is tcarmony@wxia.gannett.com.

As I’m gathering all this information, here are the biggest hurdles I have coming up:
1) July 7 – port surgery, biopsy and MRI
2) July 10 – meeting with the oncologist to determine what kind of cancer I have and the treatment plan
3) Week of July 13 – first chemo treatment (and learning what my bad day will be)
4) Week of July 13 – results from genetics testing that will let me know if I have to have a double mastectomy and removal of ovaries/fallopian tubes at the end of this road
5) Between July 30 through August 3 – losing my hair

I hope that once I get through this time period, I hope to be able to find my “new” normal. I hope to be able to return to doing things with friends and I’m sure at that time my close friends and family will enjoy taking a break and letting someone else occupy some of my time socially. Just know that this first month is tough and it is overwhelming just keeping my close circle informed.

I am also proud of myself. If you know me well, you know I pride myself of being a strong, independent person. I have realized now that I have to give things away and focus all my energy on getting well. I have turned my diet over to my mother. I will let her make all my meals and make sure that I’m eating the foods the nutritionist outlines. She will also be cleaning my house. I’ve turned all my indoor and outdoor plants to my best friend who lives next door. I’ve asked another friend to educate herself and teach me how to tie head scarves. So I’m learning to ask for help and give up control. For those of you that know me well, you can laugh now. I now don’t care how the dishes are put in the dishwasher, where things go in the refrigerator, how the towels are folded or where things get put away. It really doesn’t matter much anymore – I’m just thankful for the help.

As for how I feel? I’m still in a bit of pain. My left arm now aches all the way to my fingertips and the pain medicine isn’t much help. I’m actually looking forward now to the first chemo treatment so it can be shrunk and get some relief. Also, the nausea hasn’t gone away. I don’t feel like eating and have to force myself to eat. I’ve lost seven pounds in five days. Mornings seem to be the worst. Since Saturday night, I haven’t been sleeping at all. Usually on 2-3 hours a night. Fortunately, I think the exhaustion set in as I went to bed at 9:30 p.m. last night and slept until 6:00 a.m. this morning. This morning was also positive. It didn’t have as hard a time getting ready. The past few days, it has been heartbreaking getting ready each morning. Crying in the shower. Hating myself looking in the mirror because I’m unsure of what I will look like a month from now. Styling my hair has been the worst – it isn’t fun anymore; it is heartbreaking. The best analogy I can give you is someone trying to kiss you that you know is breaking up with you in a month. How can I love something anymore that I know is going to let me down soon in a really big way?

I’m trying to keep busy – work, time with friends and trying to rest are helping right now. I’m just trying to keep my mind occupied until Tuesday next week which will be a rollercoaster.

Many of you have asked for my home address. If you are my Facebook friend, I have posted it there. If you know my parents, you can email them to request it. Most of you know where I work, so you can find that address too. I just don’t want to post my address on the internet since this is an open forum that anyone can see.

Thank you again for all your kindness and concern. I am truly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.