You are putting me in WHAT?!

On Monday, March 14, I served as the Keynote Speaker and Survivor Model for the 20th Annual Hope Fashion show in Atlanta. I was so honored to be asked to speak and I’m proud to say the event raised over $100,000 for the American Cancer Society. I do a lot of events for a living and this one was simply fantastic!

In the speech, the ACS team urged me to speak about my journey and how my doctor nicknamed me, “Sally Side-Effect” because if something was going to happen, it was going to happen to me. Well, God must have heard me, because a few days later, I got a call from my doctor saying he wanted to refer me to see if I was a candidate for hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBOT).

During HBOT, the patient breathes 100% oxygen while enclosed in a pressurized chamber at two to three times greater than normal atmospheric pressure. While breathing pure oxygen, the patient’s blood plasma becomes saturated carrying 15-20 times the normal amount of oxygen to the body’s tissue. This increase of oxygen to the tissue produces several benefits to the areas affected: promotes new blood vessels; decreases swelling and inflammation; deactivates bacterial toxins; increases the body’s ability to fight infection; and improves the rate of healing.

Long story short, basically I think my doctor didn’t like how my radiated skin was responding, hence the reason for the conservative route of having an additional surgery. The goal for HBOT is to heal my radiated skin and they feel this can be accomplished even 13 months after radiation ended.

It was explained to me as such: when you cut your skin, the skin around it notices a huge change in oxygen levels and immediately begins trying to heal the damaged skin. Well with radiation, the burns are diffused from the center out. So the center area which got directly hit is next to skin only a percentage different and so on and so on, so the healthy skin never understands it needs to heal the burned skin because the center to the edge is so far away.

While I was very excited about this opportunity, when I learned more about the therapy, I realized what an inconvenience it will be. I will have to go to Piedmont Hospital every day (M-F) for four weeks. The appointments are 2 hours long and you are in the chamber for 90 minutes. You can’t bring anything into the chamber, but they do have a TV you can watch (no remote though!). The chamber actually looks like a bank tube (see photo). What makes it even more inconvenient is you cannot wear anything in the chamber but a cotton hospital gown: no contacts, hair care products, lotion, deodorant, NOTHING! Which means I have to lug all my stuff to get ready for work there each day. My appointments will be at 8 a.m. each day, so I will get to work hopefully by 11 a.m. each day. And I’m going to have to work longer hours at night to make up for hours I’m missing in the morning. I realize it is a small price to pay for the rest of my life, but it still just stinks.

And I know I should not be complaining. I have a friend that was just diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. The thing I told him was, “If you are going to plan anything, plan for the unexpected. I drove myself crazy trying to plan how everything would go and nothing goes as planned. Just be flexible and take each day one day at a time.” Well what a hypocrite I was…. Here I got news that my plans had changed and I got upset again. I just have to remind myself, I cannot control this.

So, now my surgery has been rescheduled for April 21. That will give me four weeks to heal before I head out to my first big vacation of the year to Yellowstone! It’s cutting it a lot closer than I wanted to. I thought I was going to be finished Feb. 3 when I planned the trip, but I’m going to work hard during the recovery to get as strong as I can for that vacation!

Love to you all!
Marcy

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's back to work I go...

So it’s back to work tomorrow, as I got clearance from the doctor today to go back to work. I also got my drain out, so that’s a bonus. I spent all weekend coming off the narcotics, which is never a pleasant task. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around that I’m going to have to go through surgery again one more time and I’m not done like I had been told I would be.

The doctor said my skin is healing well after looking at it today. I won’t see him again until April 1st. At that point, we will decide when we will schedule the next surgery. I’ve already made plans to go on a trip to Yellowstone in May and I want to be healthy to do all the hiking/sightseeing I have planned, so it will probably happen in early June.

Here’s why we need the second surgery: In my September 2010 surgery, he took skin from my back and transferred it onto my front. This new skin is attached underneath the badly burned radiated skin, which is all pushed up to the middle to the top of my breast area. My doctor was concerned that the skin might not heal well after being detached after this last surgery, but since it is looking well just only 12 days after surgery, he feels assured we can go in, cut the badly burned skin out of the middle area and attach it to skin located higher in the breast area, which was also radiated, but not as badly as the skin now in the middle area. After this next surgery, it should have the round shape we are aiming towards as he will cut out all the extra skin now making it look lumpy.

So, in the meantime, I went back and got some mastectomy bras to help provide some symmetry until we can do this next surgery. I love being able to wear t-shirts in the springtime and right now I cannot do that without feeling self-conscious. What I would give to get a little confidence back in my step…

I also feel guilty for even being down about this right now. I’ve cried the past week more than I have in a long time. There are so many people who I care about who no longer walk this earth, who I know would love to have this problem. I’m having a hard time battling the issues I’m dealing with, while trying to be thankful to be alive. You need to feel the feelings to deal with them and work through them, yet you feel guilty for even having the feelings in the first place. I’m hoping time and staying busy will be the best medicine.

Not sure when I will update next… On Monday, March 14th, the American Cancer Society has asked me to be the keynote speaker at their 20thannual Hope Luncheon and Fashion Show http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/Gala/GalaFY10SouthAtlantic?pg=entry&fr_id=26818. I will also be walking in the fashion show. I’m praying that watching all those seasons of watching America’s Next Top Model will finally pay off since I’ve seen runway training! I know it’s a stretch, but I’ve got to justify my crap TV somehow!

With Love,
Marcy

Imagine that, complications!

Well I should have known I spoke too soon, as we ended up having complications from this last reconstructive surgery on February 3, 2011. The surgeon had intended on inserting the implant into the left side and cutting out some skin that had been radiated, and then we'd be all done except for the nipple reconstruction and tatooing.

I left surgery all happy the procedure was over, but once I got home and took the bandages off on Friday, the result was not what I had expected; not even close. The skin was still in place, the implant had been inserted, but the area did not look round; it looked deformed as it had areas of indentions. It even looked smaller than the right implant. I tried not to freak out, tried not to get upset and wait until my follow up appointment to see what my doctor would say.

When I went for my appointment today, the nurse looked at my left side and said, “It looked so much better on the table,” so even she was surprised to see how odd it looked. The doctor told me that he did not take any skin off as it was a judgment call he made during the surgery. He said the skin was not loose due to the scar tissue from the previous surgery and the effects of radiation, so he did not want to cut the skin off in case the skin did not adhere once the implant was in. He said this was the safest way to go in case complications arose from the implant, so he would have extra skin to work with.

He said he wanted to wait 2-3 months to let everything heal and then we will schedule another surgery to cut some of the extra skin off and make the area more smooth and round. He said it will never be perfect and will never look as good as my right side, but there is room to improve from where we are today.

Needless to say, sobbed when he told me this. I had this expectation that I was going to be done after this last surgery. I had been so excited to be able to use all my vacation days for vacation in 2011 and that will not be the case this year. It has been such a long road and I’ve been waiting to cross that finish line, but now I have to wait some more. This road has been littered with complications and I don’t know why I’m surprised that more unexpected things happened. I just wish my doctor had managed my expectations better.

I wish I sounded more positive right now, but I just got back from the doctor and wanted to write this as I know many of you have called/emailed to check in with me and I just haven’t really wanted to talk to anyone until I got feedback from the doctor.

Thanks again for everyone's kind words and encouragment. It means more than you know.

Love,
Marcy

One Year Cancer Free!

On December 1, 2009, my oncologist declared me cancer free. I’m not sure if that’s the true medical term as many cancer books I have read call it “NED” or “No Evidence of Disease.” Personally, cancer free sounds much better to me.

Of all the research I have done on cancer, the first two years are the most critical in to beating the disease as it is the time when the cancer is most likely statistically to present itself again. Once you pass the two-year mark, the five-year mark is the next big milestone. At that point, if cancer returns it is usually a new cancer and not a recurrence of the original cancer.

An ad for the American Cancer Society says we should celebrate birthdays (plus the ad I keep seeing has Keith Urban singing it and I will do whatever he tells me to - grin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlRCkyU2lh4 ). I guess now I have two birthdays to celebrate each year – my real birthday and my cancer free birthday!

I’ve never been one to want to be the center of attention, even on my birthday, so having two days to celebrate a year seemed a bit much to me, so I wasn’t sure how I wanted to note this occasion. The thought even crossed my mind not to even mention it as I thought I might be jinxing myself (I still think that as I type this). However, I decided it should be celebrated as many lose their life to this horrid disease. Every day on earth is a gift and each year I move beyond this is a blessing. I’m not going to have a big party, but I am going to have a nice dinner out with a couple of girlfriends and toast the occasion a time or two!

As far as an update on me, I’m still going through the reconstruction process and physical therapy to get range of motion for my back and left arm. I saw my oncologist for a check up two weeks ago and he said everything looks great blood work wise (all the rest is up to me to tell him if I’ve noticed any changes in my body.) I asked him about my specific cancer (triple-negative) because all the information I have read have said it is the hardest to survive. He said that was so because that cancer has no targeted therapies. I asked if my genetic marker explained the triple-negative type and he said “no” but he did say that all the studies he has read show that patients who have the genetic marker and the triple-negative cancer have a higher survival rate than those who do not have the genetic marker, so that made me very happy! As far as my journey goes, I will get expanded two more times (Dec. 3 and 17), insert the left side implant in a surgery in early February and two have more reconstructive procedures in the spring. I should be done by May/June – almost two years from start to finish.

I’m a little sad as I was asked to attend the year-end NASCAR banquet in Las Vegas this weekend, but I opted not to go so I could stay on schedule with my reconstruction process. It would have been a lot of fun, but I really want to finish this process so I can get on with my life and start feeling better again.

I still have a lot of pain in my left arm, back and chest area, but I'm doing physical therapy each week and doing my PT exercises daily. I'm back on the treadmill daily and doing weekly yoga. It is helping my stamina and I'm proud of myself as I even did a half run / half walk on the treadmill this morning. I will continue to push myself as I want to get stronger and keep moving forward.

The picture is of me about a month ago out to dinner celebrating a friend's birthday. The hair keeps growing!

Thank you again for keeping up with me. I am truly blessed to have so many great people in my life. Please keep praying that I continue to be one of the lucky ones and keep this cancer from recurring.

Finally, in case you didn’t know, December 1st is “Pay it Forward” day on Facebook. Do something nice for someone else and expect nothing in return. Let’s see how many people we can make smile today!

With love,
Marcy

Pain came again, some other day!

It seems every time I speak with my plastic surgeon, my reconstruction timeline changes. When we discussed the timeline he felt we would be able to do both surgeries in 2010. I’d recover for one month from the first surgery, expand for one month and then have the second surgery. So I figured that would be mid-Sept. to mid-Oct. for recovery and mid-Oct. to mid-Nov. for expansion, with the surgery in either late November or early December.

Here is what expansion is… On my right side, I am complete with my implant. It’s actually weird, as since the whole breast is all implant, it feels cooler than the rest of my body as all am I feeling is the fluid. Quite weird, but I digress… sorry. Anyway, on the left side, the doctor could not go straight to the implant. He had to put what is called an expander in. It stretches the skin and new muscle he placed on that side of the chest. It has a small valve in the expander (which is found by a magnet) and the doctor gradually inserts fluid into the expander to stretch you to make room for the implant. It is hard, not soft like the implant is, and uncomfortable.

Well, you would think by now that I would know that I can’t plan a damn thing on this journey. I went in to get expanded on Friday. Knowing that I wanted to have the second surgery ASAP, the doctor got aggressive with the amount of fluid. He put in 100cc’s of fluid and my body did not react well. Unlike my right side that handled the expansion process well, the left side has all this new muscle and lots of internal stitching that was NOT happy to have constant pressure placed on it. I went backwards in my healing and it has been beyond painful.

I can’t sneeze, yawn, cough or take a deep inhale without the stitches below the breast area pinching and causing extreme pain. Thankfully, I have not gotten sick and my allergy medicine is keeping me from sneezing. I’m also still having a hard time sleeping well at night as I’m no longer on narcotics that allow you to sleep anywhere, anytime. It is hard to find a position that is comfortable and once I get in position, I can’t move or it will hurt. It still hurts getting in and out of bed and in and out of seated positions. Everyone told me how painful this surgery would be, but I never dreamed it would be worse than the mastectomy.

So now we have chosen to slow down the expansion process. We will expand every other Friday in November and December, putting in no more than 50cc’s at one time. This way I will have the weekend to recuperate should I feel bad. We will let the skin rest for January and then do the final surgery in February 2011. About three months later, he can do the final procedures (no surgery) to complete the reconstruction process. I can’t believe this whole process will end up taking almost two years of my life away. That’s why I get SOOO frustrated because I just want all of this to be over and to FEEL good again. I’m so incredibly tired of being in pain.

I’m headed back to work on Monday, November 1st, so I pray that I will get a little more relief by then.

Finally, the picture posted is from Thursday (before I got expanded, as you will notice I’m smiling) when I got my hair cut again. It is finally getting to a point where it looks like an actual hairstyle, so that makes me happy.

With love,
Marcy

Pain, Pain, Go Away!

On September 16, I had my last BIG surgery which was actually the first in my breast reconstruction process. I knew going into it the surgery that it would be extremely painful. The surgery is called a Latissimus Dorsi. It cuts a portion of your latissimus dorsi back muscle, tunnels it under your arm and places it on your chest leaving the blood vessel attached. This muscle supports the implant. They also cut some skin from the back and placed it on the front on the lower side of the breast. I only had to have this done on the left side because that was the side that had radiation. On my right side, I was able to go to implant directly which didn’t hurt at all in comparison. I will go through the expansion process for the next month and then before the end of 2010, I will have another small surgery to trade the left expander for an implant. In 2011, I will have to have two small outpatient procedures and barring any complications, I should complete the reconstruction process.

The hardest part of this surgery other than the lack of motion, only being able to sleep on my back (no sides or stomach), unable to bend at the waist, has been the pain. I’ve been on narcotics for over four weeks now and it does not look like I’m coming off them anytime soon. For the past week, I’ve tried to wean myself off them (because I thought it was time) and I was crying every day. My doctor says that I’m just sensitive to pain (as I was the same way after the mastectomy) and to stay on the pills until the pain goes away. I’ve been cleared to start physical therapy on Tuesday, so I’m hoping that will help. I’ve also been having a hard time sleeping through the night due to the pain and that’s something I just have to deal with right now.

Mentally, I’ve been struggling because I’m unsure how I will ever look somewhat normal as the skin from the back is white and the skin that has been radiated is darker, so my breast will be two-toned for years and maybe forever. It is so disappointing to work so hard to be left with an outcome that isn’t great. I knew it would never be perfect and it wouldn’t be “normal,” but you want it to at least look okay and not what I consider strange.

It’s hard. I used to be a very confident person. Regardless of my weight, I always felt good about myself. I was me. I wasn’t perfect, but I was whole. It was my body. Now, I’ve got this new body, new hair and I’m just not confident anymore.

I don’t want to come across as complaining because at the end of the day I’m alive, but it is a HUGE adjustment as this body is not what I’m used to. It doesn’t have the strength I used to have, stamina or range of motion. I will be able to get some of it back through hard work and physical therapy, but it will be a long road and some will never come back. I’ve lost sensation in many areas of my left arm and chest area, and they can’t tell me if it will be permanent loss or not. It feels funny to scratch an area on your body and you can’t feel it.

Couple that with all the physical changes and all the side effects of the hysterectomy and it is a huge adjustment learning to live with this new person. It is a lot of changes in a short time. Plus, time won’t heal all wounds. Some you have to learn to live with.

I think my doctor will release me at the six week mark to go back to work, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed as I’ve been really bored during this recovery. I’m looking forward to getting back to my daily routines. I'm also thankful for all my friends and family who looked after me during this recovery - chores, meals, company and all the cards, flowers and gifts everyone gave -- I'm so blessed to have so many great people in my life.

Since October is breast cancer awareness month, I just want to thank everyone who has donated to this cause. Cancer Wellness at Piedmont receives grants from many organizations and I would be lost without this place. In addition to the free counseling I receive and Monday night yoga classes, it is a community of cancer survivors where we are taught wellness programs to enhance our healing and the new life after cancer. I have met so many amazing people and I’m thankful to have this wonderful place that provides me so much support.

The photo posted is from the two day walk for breast cancer in Atlanta. Due to my surgery, I could not walk this year, so my friend Jill drove me there so I could see the ending ceremony. My friend Kaedy (morning show host for 97.1 The River and breast cancer survivor) spoke and recognized me on stage, as we are both avid supporters of Cancer Wellness. I love my silly hat Jill gave me! (Jill is on the left and Kaedy is on the right).

Thanks again for everyone’s continued support and concern. For my NASCAR friends, I probably won’t see any of you until January at the media tour/PR summit, so best of luck with the end of the season. For my Atlanta friends, I’m not sure when this second surgery will be and coupled with the upcoming holidays, I’m not sure how much I will get out, but I hope to see many of you soon!

With much love,
Marcy

Lifting Lauren

Today I want to tell you about a nine-year-old little girl, Lauren Dickens, who was diagnosed with leukemia a few months after I was diagnosed with cancer last year. Lauren is the niece of one of our family friends.

I’ve never met Lauren. However, I was in the midst of chemo when I heard of her diagnosis and immediately was upset. I couldn’t understand how God could to this to a child. Dealing with cancer is hard enough as an adult – how can a child process it? No one should ever have to go through this horrid disease, let alone a child.

I immediately signed up for her Facebook page "Lifting Lauren" to keep up with her journey: http://www.facebook.com/search/?post_form_id=fb0ee75296226214ef649a0c71be934a&q=&init=quick&sid=0.2917973057925001#!/group.php?gid=167855526675&ref=ts

I sent her a couple of cards and a care package – Burt’s Bees stuff they could easily transport to and from the hospital to safely take care of her skin and a teddy bear she could love on.

The poor child went through the wringer – in the hospital on end – treatments, bone marrow transplant, etc. It has been since September, 10 months of treatment and I thought Lauren was coming close to the other side and all indications had shown what a brave little fighter she was. She had faith that the Lord would carry her safely through this journey.

Sadly, on Friday, July 16, Lauren lost her battle and is now with the Lord in Heaven. When I found out, I lost it. I have never cried so hard for someone that I’ve never met, but I felt a connection with Lauren, praying she was going to make it like me. It’s even harder because you compound this loss with survivor’s guilt: how is it that I get to beat this disease and this precious little child had to suffer so much and was taken away from her family? I’m still crying as I type this. I just can’t understand. And I’m heartbroken.

I’m asking a favor of you today: Please say a prayer today for Lauren’s family as her funeral is today and ask God to please care for Lauren in Heaven. To the Dickens family, my thoughts and prayers are with you today and always, and words cannot describe the loss I feel for you and that is in my heart.