Well I should have known I spoke too soon, as we ended up having complications from this last reconstructive surgery on February 3, 2011. The surgeon had intended on inserting the implant into the left side and cutting out some skin that had been radiated, and then we'd be all done except for the nipple reconstruction and tatooing.
I left surgery all happy the procedure was over, but once I got home and took the bandages off on Friday, the result was not what I had expected; not even close. The skin was still in place, the implant had been inserted, but the area did not look round; it looked deformed as it had areas of indentions. It even looked smaller than the right implant. I tried not to freak out, tried not to get upset and wait until my follow up appointment to see what my doctor would say.
When I went for my appointment today, the nurse looked at my left side and said, “It looked so much better on the table,” so even she was surprised to see how odd it looked. The doctor told me that he did not take any skin off as it was a judgment call he made during the surgery. He said the skin was not loose due to the scar tissue from the previous surgery and the effects of radiation, so he did not want to cut the skin off in case the skin did not adhere once the implant was in. He said this was the safest way to go in case complications arose from the implant, so he would have extra skin to work with.
He said he wanted to wait 2-3 months to let everything heal and then we will schedule another surgery to cut some of the extra skin off and make the area more smooth and round. He said it will never be perfect and will never look as good as my right side, but there is room to improve from where we are today.
Needless to say, sobbed when he told me this. I had this expectation that I was going to be done after this last surgery. I had been so excited to be able to use all my vacation days for vacation in 2011 and that will not be the case this year. It has been such a long road and I’ve been waiting to cross that finish line, but now I have to wait some more. This road has been littered with complications and I don’t know why I’m surprised that more unexpected things happened. I just wish my doctor had managed my expectations better.
I wish I sounded more positive right now, but I just got back from the doctor and wanted to write this as I know many of you have called/emailed to check in with me and I just haven’t really wanted to talk to anyone until I got feedback from the doctor.
Thanks again for everyone's kind words and encouragment. It means more than you know.
Love,
Marcy
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
One Year Cancer Free!
On December 1, 2009, my oncologist declared me cancer free. I’m not sure if that’s the true medical term as many cancer books I have read call it “NED” or “No Evidence of Disease.” Personally, cancer free sounds much better to me.
Of all the research I have done on cancer, the first two years are the most critical in to beating the disease as it is the time when the cancer is most likely statistically to present itself again. Once you pass the two-year mark, the five-year mark is the next big milestone. At that point, if cancer returns it is usually a new cancer and not a recurrence of the original cancer.
An ad for the American Cancer Society says we should celebrate birthdays (plus the ad I keep seeing has Keith Urban singing it and I will do whatever he tells me to - grin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlRCkyU2lh4 ). I guess now I have two birthdays to celebrate each year – my real birthday and my cancer free birthday!
I’ve never been one to want to be the center of attention, even on my birthday, so having two days to celebrate a year seemed a bit much to me, so I wasn’t sure how I wanted to note this occasion. The thought even crossed my mind not to even mention it as I thought I might be jinxing myself (I still think that as I type this). However, I decided it should be celebrated as many lose their life to this horrid disease. Every day on earth is a gift and each year I move beyond this is a blessing. I’m not going to have a big party, but I am going to have a nice dinner out with a couple of girlfriends and toast the occasion a time or two!
As far as an update on me, I’m still going through the reconstruction process and physical therapy to get range of motion for my back and left arm. I saw my oncologist for a check up two weeks ago and he said everything looks great blood work wise (all the rest is up to me to tell him if I’ve noticed any changes in my body.) I asked him about my specific cancer (triple-negative) because all the information I have read have said it is the hardest to survive. He said that was so because that cancer has no targeted therapies. I asked if my genetic marker explained the triple-negative type and he said “no” but he did say that all the studies he has read show that patients who have the genetic marker and the triple-negative cancer have a higher survival rate than those who do not have the genetic marker, so that made me very happy! As far as my journey goes, I will get expanded two more times (Dec. 3 and 17), insert the left side implant in a surgery in early February and two have more reconstructive procedures in the spring. I should be done by May/June – almost two years from start to finish.
I’m a little sad as I was asked to attend the year-end NASCAR banquet in Las Vegas this weekend, but I opted not to go so I could stay on schedule with my reconstruction process. It would have been a lot of fun, but I really want to finish this process so I can get on with my life and start feeling better again.
Of all the research I have done on cancer, the first two years are the most critical in to beating the disease as it is the time when the cancer is most likely statistically to present itself again. Once you pass the two-year mark, the five-year mark is the next big milestone. At that point, if cancer returns it is usually a new cancer and not a recurrence of the original cancer.
An ad for the American Cancer Society says we should celebrate birthdays (plus the ad I keep seeing has Keith Urban singing it and I will do whatever he tells me to - grin. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlRCkyU2lh4 ). I guess now I have two birthdays to celebrate each year – my real birthday and my cancer free birthday!
I’ve never been one to want to be the center of attention, even on my birthday, so having two days to celebrate a year seemed a bit much to me, so I wasn’t sure how I wanted to note this occasion. The thought even crossed my mind not to even mention it as I thought I might be jinxing myself (I still think that as I type this). However, I decided it should be celebrated as many lose their life to this horrid disease. Every day on earth is a gift and each year I move beyond this is a blessing. I’m not going to have a big party, but I am going to have a nice dinner out with a couple of girlfriends and toast the occasion a time or two!
As far as an update on me, I’m still going through the reconstruction process and physical therapy to get range of motion for my back and left arm. I saw my oncologist for a check up two weeks ago and he said everything looks great blood work wise (all the rest is up to me to tell him if I’ve noticed any changes in my body.) I asked him about my specific cancer (triple-negative) because all the information I have read have said it is the hardest to survive. He said that was so because that cancer has no targeted therapies. I asked if my genetic marker explained the triple-negative type and he said “no” but he did say that all the studies he has read show that patients who have the genetic marker and the triple-negative cancer have a higher survival rate than those who do not have the genetic marker, so that made me very happy! As far as my journey goes, I will get expanded two more times (Dec. 3 and 17), insert the left side implant in a surgery in early February and two have more reconstructive procedures in the spring. I should be done by May/June – almost two years from start to finish.
I’m a little sad as I was asked to attend the year-end NASCAR banquet in Las Vegas this weekend, but I opted not to go so I could stay on schedule with my reconstruction process. It would have been a lot of fun, but I really want to finish this process so I can get on with my life and start feeling better again.
I still have a lot of pain in my left arm, back and chest area, but I'm doing physical therapy each week and doing my PT exercises daily. I'm back on the treadmill daily and doing weekly yoga. It is helping my stamina and I'm proud of myself as I even did a half run / half walk on the treadmill this morning. I will continue to push myself as I want to get stronger and keep moving forward.
The picture is of me about a month ago out to dinner celebrating a friend's birthday. The hair keeps growing!
Thank you again for keeping up with me. I am truly blessed to have so many great people in my life. Please keep praying that I continue to be one of the lucky ones and keep this cancer from recurring.
Finally, in case you didn’t know, December 1st is “Pay it Forward” day on Facebook. Do something nice for someone else and expect nothing in return. Let’s see how many people we can make smile today!
With love,
Marcy
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Pain came again, some other day!
It seems every time I speak with my plastic surgeon, my reconstruction timeline changes. When we discussed the timeline he felt we would be able to do both surgeries in 2010. I’d recover for one month from the first surgery, expand for one month and then have the second surgery. So I figured that would be mid-Sept. to mid-Oct. for recovery and mid-Oct. to mid-Nov. for expansion, with the surgery in either late November or early December.
Here is what expansion is… On my right side, I am complete with my implant. It’s actually weird, as since the whole breast is all implant, it feels cooler than the rest of my body as all am I feeling is the fluid. Quite weird, but I digress… sorry. Anyway, on the left side, the doctor could not go straight to the implant. He had to put what is called an expander in. It stretches the skin and new muscle he placed on that side of the chest. It has a small valve in the expander (which is found by a magnet) and the doctor gradually inserts fluid into the expander to stretch you to make room for the implant. It is hard, not soft like the implant is, and uncomfortable.
Well, you would think by now that I would know that I can’t plan a damn thing on this journey. I went in to get expanded on Friday. Knowing that I wanted to have the second surgery ASAP, the doctor got aggressive with the amount of fluid. He put in 100cc’s of fluid and my body did not react well. Unlike my right side that handled the expansion process well, the left side has all this new muscle and lots of internal stitching that was NOT happy to have constant pressure placed on it. I went backwards in my healing and it has been beyond painful.
I can’t sneeze, yawn, cough or take a deep inhale without the stitches below the breast area pinching and causing extreme pain. Thankfully, I have not gotten sick and my allergy medicine is keeping me from sneezing. I’m also still having a hard time sleeping well at night as I’m no longer on narcotics that allow you to sleep anywhere, anytime. It is hard to find a position that is comfortable and once I get in position, I can’t move or it will hurt. It still hurts getting in and out of bed and in and out of seated positions. Everyone told me how painful this surgery would be, but I never dreamed it would be worse than the mastectomy.
So now we have chosen to slow down the expansion process. We will expand every other Friday in November and December, putting in no more than 50cc’s at one time. This way I will have the weekend to recuperate should I feel bad. We will let the skin rest for January and then do the final surgery in February 2011. About three months later, he can do the final procedures (no surgery) to complete the reconstruction process. I can’t believe this whole process will end up taking almost two years of my life away. That’s why I get SOOO frustrated because I just want all of this to be over and to FEEL good again. I’m so incredibly tired of being in pain.
I’m headed back to work on Monday, November 1st, so I pray that I will get a little more relief by then.
Finally, the picture posted is from Thursday (before I got expanded, as you will notice I’m smiling) when I got my hair cut again. It is finally getting to a point where it looks like an actual hairstyle, so that makes me happy.
With love,
Marcy
Marcy
Monday, October 18, 2010
Pain, Pain, Go Away!
On September 16, I had my last BIG surgery which was actually the first in my breast reconstruction process. I knew going into it the surgery that it would be extremely painful. The surgery is called a Latissimus Dorsi. It cuts a portion of your latissimus dorsi back muscle, tunnels it under your arm and places it on your chest leaving the blood vessel attached. This muscle supports the implant. They also cut some skin from the back and placed it on the front on the lower side of the breast. I only had to have this done on the left side because that was the side that had radiation. On my right side, I was able to go to implant directly which didn’t hurt at all in comparison. I will go through the expansion process for the next month and then before the end of 2010, I will have another small surgery to trade the left expander for an implant. In 2011, I will have to have two small outpatient procedures and barring any complications, I should complete the reconstruction process.
The hardest part of this surgery other than the lack of motion, only being able to sleep on my back (no sides or stomach), unable to bend at the waist, has been the pain. I’ve been on narcotics for over four weeks now and it does not look like I’m coming off them anytime soon. For the past week, I’ve tried to wean myself off them (because I thought it was time) and I was crying every day. My doctor says that I’m just sensitive to pain (as I was the same way after the mastectomy) and to stay on the pills until the pain goes away. I’ve been cleared to start physical therapy on Tuesday, so I’m hoping that will help. I’ve also been having a hard time sleeping through the night due to the pain and that’s something I just have to deal with right now.
Mentally, I’ve been struggling because I’m unsure how I will ever look somewhat normal as the skin from the back is white and the skin that has been radiated is darker, so my breast will be two-toned for years and maybe forever. It is so disappointing to work so hard to be left with an outcome that isn’t great. I knew it would never be perfect and it wouldn’t be “normal,” but you want it to at least look okay and not what I consider strange.
It’s hard. I used to be a very confident person. Regardless of my weight, I always felt good about myself. I was me. I wasn’t perfect, but I was whole. It was my body. Now, I’ve got this new body, new hair and I’m just not confident anymore.
I don’t want to come across as complaining because at the end of the day I’m alive, but it is a HUGE adjustment as this body is not what I’m used to. It doesn’t have the strength I used to have, stamina or range of motion. I will be able to get some of it back through hard work and physical therapy, but it will be a long road and some will never come back. I’ve lost sensation in many areas of my left arm and chest area, and they can’t tell me if it will be permanent loss or not. It feels funny to scratch an area on your body and you can’t feel it.
Couple that with all the physical changes and all the side effects of the hysterectomy and it is a huge adjustment learning to live with this new person. It is a lot of changes in a short time. Plus, time won’t heal all wounds. Some you have to learn to live with.
I think my doctor will release me at the six week mark to go back to work, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed as I’ve been really bored during this recovery. I’m looking forward to getting back to my daily routines. I'm also thankful for all my friends and family who looked after me during this recovery - chores, meals, company and all the cards, flowers and gifts everyone gave -- I'm so blessed to have so many great people in my life.
Since October is breast cancer awareness month, I just want to thank everyone who has donated to this cause. Cancer Wellness at Piedmont receives grants from many organizations and I would be lost without this place. In addition to the free counseling I receive and Monday night yoga classes, it is a community of cancer survivors where we are taught wellness programs to enhance our healing and the new life after cancer. I have met so many amazing people and I’m thankful to have this wonderful place that provides me so much support.
Thanks again for everyone’s continued support and concern. For my NASCAR friends, I probably won’t see any of you until January at the media tour/PR summit, so best of luck with the end of the season. For my Atlanta friends, I’m not sure when this second surgery will be and coupled with the upcoming holidays, I’m not sure how much I will get out, but I hope to see many of you soon!
With much love,
Marcy
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Lifting Lauren
Today I want to tell you about a nine-year-old little girl, Lauren Dickens, who was diagnosed with leukemia a few months after I was diagnosed with cancer last year. Lauren is the niece of one of our family friends.I’ve never met Lauren. However, I was in the midst of chemo when I heard of her diagnosis and immediately was upset. I couldn’t understand how God could to this to a child. Dealing with cancer is hard enough as an adult – how can a child process it? No one should ever have to go through this horrid disease, let alone a child.
I immediately signed up for her Facebook page "Lifting Lauren" to keep up with her journey: http://www.facebook.com/search/?post_form_id=fb0ee75296226214ef649a0c71be934a&q=&init=quick&sid=0.2917973057925001#!/group.php?gid=167855526675&ref=ts
I sent her a couple of cards and a care package – Burt’s Bees stuff they could easily transport to and from the hospital to safely take care of her skin and a teddy bear she could love on.
The poor child went through the wringer – in the hospital on end – treatments, bone marrow transplant, etc. It has been since September, 10 months of treatment and I thought Lauren was coming close to the other side and all indications had shown what a brave little fighter she was. She had faith that the Lord would carry her safely through this journey.
Sadly, on Friday, July 16, Lauren lost her battle and is now with the Lord in Heaven. When I found out, I lost it. I have never cried so hard for someone that I’ve never met, but I felt a connection with Lauren, praying she was going to make it like me. It’s even harder because you compound this loss with survivor’s guilt: how is it that I get to beat this disease and this precious little child had to suffer so much and was taken away from her family? I’m still crying as I type this. I just can’t understand. And I’m heartbroken.
I’m asking a favor of you today: Please say a prayer today for Lauren’s family as her funeral is today and ask God to please care for Lauren in Heaven. To the Dickens family, my thoughts and prayers are with you today and always, and words cannot describe the loss I feel for you and that is in my heart.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Year From Hell
I can’t believe one year ago today, I was told I had cancer. A friend recently said to me that the days go by slow, but the years go by fast. Well, I can assure you, this year did not. I stand here today a different person than I was a year ago. I’m still me, but at the same time, so many things have changed. Every person as they age changes along the way. You learn from your experiences and that shapes you to who you are. However, being dealt such a large blow at one time causes changes in who you are much quicker than the normal cycle of life and processing all those changes is tough. It’s all about adjusting and it isn’t easy to do.
There are days I can’t believe I utter these words, but having cancer has made me a better person. That doesn’t mean that I don’t wake up every day mad as hell that I’ve lost my ability to have children. That’s been the biggest sacrifice of this whole journey. You can take away body parts all day long, but not being able to bear my own children I will never get over – I just have to learn how to deal with it for the rest of my life. However, I’m a more patient person. I’m more understanding. I’m more compassionate. I’m more charitable. I’ve given up control. I truly understand there are no guarantees in life. And NEVER underestimate the will to survive. I can do anything I put my mind to. I can overcome any fear. I live every day thankful for that day on earth.
That doesn’t mean I’m all “Kum By Ya” every day and that things don’t get to me, however, and I know it sounds trivial, but I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. The things that used to get me all riled up don’t even scratch the surface anymore. I think I’m a better employee now because of that lesson.
I’m still adjusting to my new looks, but even if I’m not happy with my reflection in the mirror, it doesn’t define who I am. And with time and much patience, I can get to a place I’m content with in the future. I guess that still means I have hope which I’m glad I haven’t lost, but many of the things I used to hope for aren’t options anymore, so I’ve had to readjust. I trying to figure out what my new dreams in life are and I have no idea at this point in my life, but that’s something I’m constantly thinking about -- according to my counselor, that’s a good thing.
I’m so incredibly thankful to all of you who have followed my journey this past year. I’ve been told so many stories of people whose lives have been touched by my blog and what I’ve shared with you along the way. To the women who have told me they do their self breast exam every month now when they used to not. To those who have told me their perspectives on life has been changed. Thank you to each and every one of you who have told me these great stories as it makes me feel this journey was for a reason. It means more than you know because so many days I wonder, “Why me?” and those comments bring me much comfort to know that I have touched your life in a positive way.
Fittingly, I spent this past Saturday at the Cancer Survivor’s celebration at Piedmont Hospital. I felt touched to be invited because not all the cancer patients get to go. I’ve made friends with some wonderful women through Cancer Wellness and we all got to get together and thank our wonderful surgeon, Dr. Heather Richardson. She cried and told us how much we all bring to her life; that we lay our life in her hands and we put our trust in her. Seeing her so moved, it just makes me truly understand how hard it is when she loses a patient. The picture above is her – she’s the tall one in the photo and I’m so blessed to have been taken care of by her.
I also took my first trip last week – I tacked on two days to a work trip in California and my mom and I traveled down the PCH 1 from San Fran to Big Sur and it was so amazing to get out, see part of the world I’ve never been to before, hike in the state parks while feeling stronger with my body. It was so great to be with my mom and not have her have to take care of me. It was a great way to celebrate the one year mark!
While I’m reflecting on today as my “one year ago I was diagnosed,” my true day to celebrate going forward is the day of being told I was cancer free, which was Dec. 1, 2009. This is the date that really matters for awhile now and I’ll celebrate every year until I get to that five year mark – December 1, 2014.
However, I am going to celebrate tonight of putting this year of hell behind me with my best friend Michelle. We are going out tonight to the Sting concert at Chastain and I know we’ll have a great time.
All I will leave you with one last thought and I know you’ve heard it before, but please let it sink in: If you don’t have your health, not a damn thing matters in this world. Sit with that thought that each time you think you have a problem, because if you do, you’ll soon realize your problem probably wasn’t as large or as important as you thought it was. Enjoy every day on this earth as it truly is a gift!
Here’s a great quote I just read recently that I thought was fitting for today: “The worst thing that happens to you can be the best thing for you, if you don’t let it get the best of you.” – Will Rogers.
With much love,
There are days I can’t believe I utter these words, but having cancer has made me a better person. That doesn’t mean that I don’t wake up every day mad as hell that I’ve lost my ability to have children. That’s been the biggest sacrifice of this whole journey. You can take away body parts all day long, but not being able to bear my own children I will never get over – I just have to learn how to deal with it for the rest of my life. However, I’m a more patient person. I’m more understanding. I’m more compassionate. I’m more charitable. I’ve given up control. I truly understand there are no guarantees in life. And NEVER underestimate the will to survive. I can do anything I put my mind to. I can overcome any fear. I live every day thankful for that day on earth.
That doesn’t mean I’m all “Kum By Ya” every day and that things don’t get to me, however, and I know it sounds trivial, but I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. The things that used to get me all riled up don’t even scratch the surface anymore. I think I’m a better employee now because of that lesson.
I’m still adjusting to my new looks, but even if I’m not happy with my reflection in the mirror, it doesn’t define who I am. And with time and much patience, I can get to a place I’m content with in the future. I guess that still means I have hope which I’m glad I haven’t lost, but many of the things I used to hope for aren’t options anymore, so I’ve had to readjust. I trying to figure out what my new dreams in life are and I have no idea at this point in my life, but that’s something I’m constantly thinking about -- according to my counselor, that’s a good thing.
I’m so incredibly thankful to all of you who have followed my journey this past year. I’ve been told so many stories of people whose lives have been touched by my blog and what I’ve shared with you along the way. To the women who have told me they do their self breast exam every month now when they used to not. To those who have told me their perspectives on life has been changed. Thank you to each and every one of you who have told me these great stories as it makes me feel this journey was for a reason. It means more than you know because so many days I wonder, “Why me?” and those comments bring me much comfort to know that I have touched your life in a positive way.
Fittingly, I spent this past Saturday at the Cancer Survivor’s celebration at Piedmont Hospital. I felt touched to be invited because not all the cancer patients get to go. I’ve made friends with some wonderful women through Cancer Wellness and we all got to get together and thank our wonderful surgeon, Dr. Heather Richardson. She cried and told us how much we all bring to her life; that we lay our life in her hands and we put our trust in her. Seeing her so moved, it just makes me truly understand how hard it is when she loses a patient. The picture above is her – she’s the tall one in the photo and I’m so blessed to have been taken care of by her.
I also took my first trip last week – I tacked on two days to a work trip in California and my mom and I traveled down the PCH 1 from San Fran to Big Sur and it was so amazing to get out, see part of the world I’ve never been to before, hike in the state parks while feeling stronger with my body. It was so great to be with my mom and not have her have to take care of me. It was a great way to celebrate the one year mark!
While I’m reflecting on today as my “one year ago I was diagnosed,” my true day to celebrate going forward is the day of being told I was cancer free, which was Dec. 1, 2009. This is the date that really matters for awhile now and I’ll celebrate every year until I get to that five year mark – December 1, 2014.
However, I am going to celebrate tonight of putting this year of hell behind me with my best friend Michelle. We are going out tonight to the Sting concert at Chastain and I know we’ll have a great time.
All I will leave you with one last thought and I know you’ve heard it before, but please let it sink in: If you don’t have your health, not a damn thing matters in this world. Sit with that thought that each time you think you have a problem, because if you do, you’ll soon realize your problem probably wasn’t as large or as important as you thought it was. Enjoy every day on this earth as it truly is a gift!
Here’s a great quote I just read recently that I thought was fitting for today: “The worst thing that happens to you can be the best thing for you, if you don’t let it get the best of you.” – Will Rogers.
With much love,
Marcy
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Hot flashes, botox and more complications!
It’s been almost seven weeks since my last update and I’m not sure why I haven’t updated, but as I’ve been getting my thoughts together to write this blog, I realize now that I shouldn’t have waited so long as a lot of things have happened.
To start, the doctor was incorrect when he said to me “if you go one month without any menopausal symptoms, you can expect to get off scot-free.” They did come in after a month’s time had passed. I’m having hot flashes quite a bit now. There’s no rhyme or reason when they come. They vary in intensity. Some are just a temperature change for a few minutes and some are so furious that they cause me to be nauseas to the point I even threw up with one two days ago. Not fun. Cold drinks like Icees are my new favorite thing.
I’ve also been dealing with a lot of weepiness. I’m not sure how much of this is emotions that come from menopause or just this time period on this side of cancer. I’ve been seeing my counselor, working through all my troubles and she said that she’d be worried about me if I acted like everything was okay. The most troubling part is I know why I’m sad, I understand it, I can verbalize it, but even with all this awareness, I can’t make it go away. I’m so tired of being sad so often but getting over your dreams being crushed isn’t something that happens overnight. A woman who is a 13-year survivor said, “Anyone that says you should be over this by now has never been through it.”
I encountered some other non-menopausal complications which include swelling in my right arm (the one that had no lymph nodes removed). Through lots of visits to many of my doctors, we have narrowed it down to a vascular deficiency due to the blood clot last year on that side of my body. Now that I’ve started exercising more, it seems the blood flow to my arm isn’t working correctly. I’m going to see a vascular surgeon this week for my first visit and there are many options from non-invasive to surgical we can look at.
I’ve also noticed that my left arm does not sweat anymore and the right side has picked up its slack. It’s embarrassing to sweat so much it can soak through my clothes and deodorant won’t contain it. My breast surgeon said this can happen from surgery and recommended Botox to fix it. Seriously, Botox? I never thought I would hear those words during a breast cancer diagnosis! Anyway, insurance won’t cover it and it is expensive, so we’ve filed an appeal with the insurance. Certainly if I’m asking for one underarm area and not two, they will understand this isn’t just a cosmetic need. I’m a bit disappointed as I thought their job was to get me back to as close as my old body as possible.
One really cool thing my insurance did cover was mastectomy bras and prosthesis fitting. I decided to wait to get my reconstruction done as the doctors want you wait at least six months following radiation, so since it was going to be a long wait (surgery is scheduled for Sept. 16), I called my insurance and they told me that Nordstrom was a national provider. Let me tell you, it was such a great experience! They took normal full-coverage bras and tailored them with pockets for the prosthetic. I have beautiful bras now when I’m not feeling my best and they aren’t ugly Grandma bras – and it makes me feel a little better getting dressed each morning. I even bought a mastectomy swim suit from Land’s End and got a swim prosthetic so I can enjoy summer at the pool and not feel too self-conscious.
Probably one of the hardest things for me right now is the reflection in the mirror. I don’t like the way I look right now and even though I know it is temporary, it is still difficult. I don’t feel feminine at all or pretty. What breaks my heart is when I run into someone that has some form of physical disfigurement, I wonder how they deal with it every day? Eventually, I will be able to get back to that confident self and others don’t have that option and it breaks my heart and I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself in the first place, but it still doesn’t make my self-consciousness go away.
In the photo above is a picture of me and my best friend since the 8th grade’s new baby. She and her husband allowed me the honor to be there for the birth since I would never give birth on my own and it was such a gift. I can’t put into words the experience, but I was so blessed to be there as he entered this world. She even let me give him his first bottle. I am so thankful to have her three-year-old Skye and now this new baby in my life that provide so much love. I’m not their blood Aunt, but I am for certain their Aunt Marcy!
It’s been interesting helping out with the new baby. It’s allowed me a lot of time with this newborn to think about my thoughts about my future life with or without kids. I don’t mean any disrespect to parents of adopted kids, but I have this fear that I wouldn’t be able to love a child as much if it wasn’t a piece of me. I would have to think that’s a fear every adoptive parent would have. I believe being a parent is the toughest jobs anyone could ever do and I worry that it would be even harder if the child wasn’t biological. Hopefully time will help me sort through these fears and help me understand what the future holds for me.
And not too far off in the future (June 21-23), I’m taking my first real vacation since I got sick and it will happen almost one week prior to my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer. My mom and I are going to California to take in the sights of Monterey and Big Sur. I cannot wait and I’m really looking forward to this trip and some time with my mom. After this past year, she certainly deserves a break too!
On a final note, I just want to say I’ve been blown away by all the feedback I’ve gotten from this blog. I’ve heard directly and indirectly how my journey has impacted your life. I never meant this when I started this blog – it was just a way to get news out to those who cared to want to keep up with me. Never in a million years did I think that it would resonate with others. I’ve heard such kind words and stories about how people’s perspectives have changed and I’m just so incredibly touched. Maybe there is a reason for this journey after all.
With much love,
Marcy
To start, the doctor was incorrect when he said to me “if you go one month without any menopausal symptoms, you can expect to get off scot-free.” They did come in after a month’s time had passed. I’m having hot flashes quite a bit now. There’s no rhyme or reason when they come. They vary in intensity. Some are just a temperature change for a few minutes and some are so furious that they cause me to be nauseas to the point I even threw up with one two days ago. Not fun. Cold drinks like Icees are my new favorite thing.
I’ve also been dealing with a lot of weepiness. I’m not sure how much of this is emotions that come from menopause or just this time period on this side of cancer. I’ve been seeing my counselor, working through all my troubles and she said that she’d be worried about me if I acted like everything was okay. The most troubling part is I know why I’m sad, I understand it, I can verbalize it, but even with all this awareness, I can’t make it go away. I’m so tired of being sad so often but getting over your dreams being crushed isn’t something that happens overnight. A woman who is a 13-year survivor said, “Anyone that says you should be over this by now has never been through it.”
I encountered some other non-menopausal complications which include swelling in my right arm (the one that had no lymph nodes removed). Through lots of visits to many of my doctors, we have narrowed it down to a vascular deficiency due to the blood clot last year on that side of my body. Now that I’ve started exercising more, it seems the blood flow to my arm isn’t working correctly. I’m going to see a vascular surgeon this week for my first visit and there are many options from non-invasive to surgical we can look at.
I’ve also noticed that my left arm does not sweat anymore and the right side has picked up its slack. It’s embarrassing to sweat so much it can soak through my clothes and deodorant won’t contain it. My breast surgeon said this can happen from surgery and recommended Botox to fix it. Seriously, Botox? I never thought I would hear those words during a breast cancer diagnosis! Anyway, insurance won’t cover it and it is expensive, so we’ve filed an appeal with the insurance. Certainly if I’m asking for one underarm area and not two, they will understand this isn’t just a cosmetic need. I’m a bit disappointed as I thought their job was to get me back to as close as my old body as possible.
One really cool thing my insurance did cover was mastectomy bras and prosthesis fitting. I decided to wait to get my reconstruction done as the doctors want you wait at least six months following radiation, so since it was going to be a long wait (surgery is scheduled for Sept. 16), I called my insurance and they told me that Nordstrom was a national provider. Let me tell you, it was such a great experience! They took normal full-coverage bras and tailored them with pockets for the prosthetic. I have beautiful bras now when I’m not feeling my best and they aren’t ugly Grandma bras – and it makes me feel a little better getting dressed each morning. I even bought a mastectomy swim suit from Land’s End and got a swim prosthetic so I can enjoy summer at the pool and not feel too self-conscious.
Probably one of the hardest things for me right now is the reflection in the mirror. I don’t like the way I look right now and even though I know it is temporary, it is still difficult. I don’t feel feminine at all or pretty. What breaks my heart is when I run into someone that has some form of physical disfigurement, I wonder how they deal with it every day? Eventually, I will be able to get back to that confident self and others don’t have that option and it breaks my heart and I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself in the first place, but it still doesn’t make my self-consciousness go away.
In the photo above is a picture of me and my best friend since the 8th grade’s new baby. She and her husband allowed me the honor to be there for the birth since I would never give birth on my own and it was such a gift. I can’t put into words the experience, but I was so blessed to be there as he entered this world. She even let me give him his first bottle. I am so thankful to have her three-year-old Skye and now this new baby in my life that provide so much love. I’m not their blood Aunt, but I am for certain their Aunt Marcy!
It’s been interesting helping out with the new baby. It’s allowed me a lot of time with this newborn to think about my thoughts about my future life with or without kids. I don’t mean any disrespect to parents of adopted kids, but I have this fear that I wouldn’t be able to love a child as much if it wasn’t a piece of me. I would have to think that’s a fear every adoptive parent would have. I believe being a parent is the toughest jobs anyone could ever do and I worry that it would be even harder if the child wasn’t biological. Hopefully time will help me sort through these fears and help me understand what the future holds for me.
And not too far off in the future (June 21-23), I’m taking my first real vacation since I got sick and it will happen almost one week prior to my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer. My mom and I are going to California to take in the sights of Monterey and Big Sur. I cannot wait and I’m really looking forward to this trip and some time with my mom. After this past year, she certainly deserves a break too!
On a final note, I just want to say I’ve been blown away by all the feedback I’ve gotten from this blog. I’ve heard directly and indirectly how my journey has impacted your life. I never meant this when I started this blog – it was just a way to get news out to those who cared to want to keep up with me. Never in a million years did I think that it would resonate with others. I’ve heard such kind words and stories about how people’s perspectives have changed and I’m just so incredibly touched. Maybe there is a reason for this journey after all.
With much love,
Marcy
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