It’s been almost seven weeks since my last update and I’m not sure why I haven’t updated, but as I’ve been getting my thoughts together to write this blog, I realize now that I shouldn’t have waited so long as a lot of things have happened.
To start, the doctor was incorrect when he said to me “if you go one month without any menopausal symptoms, you can expect to get off scot-free.” They did come in after a month’s time had passed. I’m having hot flashes quite a bit now. There’s no rhyme or reason when they come. They vary in intensity. Some are just a temperature change for a few minutes and some are so furious that they cause me to be nauseas to the point I even threw up with one two days ago. Not fun. Cold drinks like Icees are my new favorite thing.
I’ve also been dealing with a lot of weepiness. I’m not sure how much of this is emotions that come from menopause or just this time period on this side of cancer. I’ve been seeing my counselor, working through all my troubles and she said that she’d be worried about me if I acted like everything was okay. The most troubling part is I know why I’m sad, I understand it, I can verbalize it, but even with all this awareness, I can’t make it go away. I’m so tired of being sad so often but getting over your dreams being crushed isn’t something that happens overnight. A woman who is a 13-year survivor said, “Anyone that says you should be over this by now has never been through it.”
I encountered some other non-menopausal complications which include swelling in my right arm (the one that had no lymph nodes removed). Through lots of visits to many of my doctors, we have narrowed it down to a vascular deficiency due to the blood clot last year on that side of my body. Now that I’ve started exercising more, it seems the blood flow to my arm isn’t working correctly. I’m going to see a vascular surgeon this week for my first visit and there are many options from non-invasive to surgical we can look at.
I’ve also noticed that my left arm does not sweat anymore and the right side has picked up its slack. It’s embarrassing to sweat so much it can soak through my clothes and deodorant won’t contain it. My breast surgeon said this can happen from surgery and recommended Botox to fix it. Seriously, Botox? I never thought I would hear those words during a breast cancer diagnosis! Anyway, insurance won’t cover it and it is expensive, so we’ve filed an appeal with the insurance. Certainly if I’m asking for one underarm area and not two, they will understand this isn’t just a cosmetic need. I’m a bit disappointed as I thought their job was to get me back to as close as my old body as possible.
One really cool thing my insurance did cover was mastectomy bras and prosthesis fitting. I decided to wait to get my reconstruction done as the doctors want you wait at least six months following radiation, so since it was going to be a long wait (surgery is scheduled for Sept. 16), I called my insurance and they told me that Nordstrom was a national provider. Let me tell you, it was such a great experience! They took normal full-coverage bras and tailored them with pockets for the prosthetic. I have beautiful bras now when I’m not feeling my best and they aren’t ugly Grandma bras – and it makes me feel a little better getting dressed each morning. I even bought a mastectomy swim suit from Land’s End and got a swim prosthetic so I can enjoy summer at the pool and not feel too self-conscious.
Probably one of the hardest things for me right now is the reflection in the mirror. I don’t like the way I look right now and even though I know it is temporary, it is still difficult. I don’t feel feminine at all or pretty. What breaks my heart is when I run into someone that has some form of physical disfigurement, I wonder how they deal with it every day? Eventually, I will be able to get back to that confident self and others don’t have that option and it breaks my heart and I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself in the first place, but it still doesn’t make my self-consciousness go away.
In the photo above is a picture of me and my best friend since the 8th grade’s new baby. She and her husband allowed me the honor to be there for the birth since I would never give birth on my own and it was such a gift. I can’t put into words the experience, but I was so blessed to be there as he entered this world. She even let me give him his first bottle. I am so thankful to have her three-year-old Skye and now this new baby in my life that provide so much love. I’m not their blood Aunt, but I am for certain their Aunt Marcy!
It’s been interesting helping out with the new baby. It’s allowed me a lot of time with this newborn to think about my thoughts about my future life with or without kids. I don’t mean any disrespect to parents of adopted kids, but I have this fear that I wouldn’t be able to love a child as much if it wasn’t a piece of me. I would have to think that’s a fear every adoptive parent would have. I believe being a parent is the toughest jobs anyone could ever do and I worry that it would be even harder if the child wasn’t biological. Hopefully time will help me sort through these fears and help me understand what the future holds for me.
And not too far off in the future (June 21-23), I’m taking my first real vacation since I got sick and it will happen almost one week prior to my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer. My mom and I are going to California to take in the sights of Monterey and Big Sur. I cannot wait and I’m really looking forward to this trip and some time with my mom. After this past year, she certainly deserves a break too!
On a final note, I just want to say I’ve been blown away by all the feedback I’ve gotten from this blog. I’ve heard directly and indirectly how my journey has impacted your life. I never meant this when I started this blog – it was just a way to get news out to those who cared to want to keep up with me. Never in a million years did I think that it would resonate with others. I’ve heard such kind words and stories about how people’s perspectives have changed and I’m just so incredibly touched. Maybe there is a reason for this journey after all.
With much love,
Marcy
To start, the doctor was incorrect when he said to me “if you go one month without any menopausal symptoms, you can expect to get off scot-free.” They did come in after a month’s time had passed. I’m having hot flashes quite a bit now. There’s no rhyme or reason when they come. They vary in intensity. Some are just a temperature change for a few minutes and some are so furious that they cause me to be nauseas to the point I even threw up with one two days ago. Not fun. Cold drinks like Icees are my new favorite thing.
I’ve also been dealing with a lot of weepiness. I’m not sure how much of this is emotions that come from menopause or just this time period on this side of cancer. I’ve been seeing my counselor, working through all my troubles and she said that she’d be worried about me if I acted like everything was okay. The most troubling part is I know why I’m sad, I understand it, I can verbalize it, but even with all this awareness, I can’t make it go away. I’m so tired of being sad so often but getting over your dreams being crushed isn’t something that happens overnight. A woman who is a 13-year survivor said, “Anyone that says you should be over this by now has never been through it.”
I encountered some other non-menopausal complications which include swelling in my right arm (the one that had no lymph nodes removed). Through lots of visits to many of my doctors, we have narrowed it down to a vascular deficiency due to the blood clot last year on that side of my body. Now that I’ve started exercising more, it seems the blood flow to my arm isn’t working correctly. I’m going to see a vascular surgeon this week for my first visit and there are many options from non-invasive to surgical we can look at.
I’ve also noticed that my left arm does not sweat anymore and the right side has picked up its slack. It’s embarrassing to sweat so much it can soak through my clothes and deodorant won’t contain it. My breast surgeon said this can happen from surgery and recommended Botox to fix it. Seriously, Botox? I never thought I would hear those words during a breast cancer diagnosis! Anyway, insurance won’t cover it and it is expensive, so we’ve filed an appeal with the insurance. Certainly if I’m asking for one underarm area and not two, they will understand this isn’t just a cosmetic need. I’m a bit disappointed as I thought their job was to get me back to as close as my old body as possible.
One really cool thing my insurance did cover was mastectomy bras and prosthesis fitting. I decided to wait to get my reconstruction done as the doctors want you wait at least six months following radiation, so since it was going to be a long wait (surgery is scheduled for Sept. 16), I called my insurance and they told me that Nordstrom was a national provider. Let me tell you, it was such a great experience! They took normal full-coverage bras and tailored them with pockets for the prosthetic. I have beautiful bras now when I’m not feeling my best and they aren’t ugly Grandma bras – and it makes me feel a little better getting dressed each morning. I even bought a mastectomy swim suit from Land’s End and got a swim prosthetic so I can enjoy summer at the pool and not feel too self-conscious.
Probably one of the hardest things for me right now is the reflection in the mirror. I don’t like the way I look right now and even though I know it is temporary, it is still difficult. I don’t feel feminine at all or pretty. What breaks my heart is when I run into someone that has some form of physical disfigurement, I wonder how they deal with it every day? Eventually, I will be able to get back to that confident self and others don’t have that option and it breaks my heart and I feel bad for feeling sorry for myself in the first place, but it still doesn’t make my self-consciousness go away.
In the photo above is a picture of me and my best friend since the 8th grade’s new baby. She and her husband allowed me the honor to be there for the birth since I would never give birth on my own and it was such a gift. I can’t put into words the experience, but I was so blessed to be there as he entered this world. She even let me give him his first bottle. I am so thankful to have her three-year-old Skye and now this new baby in my life that provide so much love. I’m not their blood Aunt, but I am for certain their Aunt Marcy!
It’s been interesting helping out with the new baby. It’s allowed me a lot of time with this newborn to think about my thoughts about my future life with or without kids. I don’t mean any disrespect to parents of adopted kids, but I have this fear that I wouldn’t be able to love a child as much if it wasn’t a piece of me. I would have to think that’s a fear every adoptive parent would have. I believe being a parent is the toughest jobs anyone could ever do and I worry that it would be even harder if the child wasn’t biological. Hopefully time will help me sort through these fears and help me understand what the future holds for me.
And not too far off in the future (June 21-23), I’m taking my first real vacation since I got sick and it will happen almost one week prior to my one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer. My mom and I are going to California to take in the sights of Monterey and Big Sur. I cannot wait and I’m really looking forward to this trip and some time with my mom. After this past year, she certainly deserves a break too!
On a final note, I just want to say I’ve been blown away by all the feedback I’ve gotten from this blog. I’ve heard directly and indirectly how my journey has impacted your life. I never meant this when I started this blog – it was just a way to get news out to those who cared to want to keep up with me. Never in a million years did I think that it would resonate with others. I’ve heard such kind words and stories about how people’s perspectives have changed and I’m just so incredibly touched. Maybe there is a reason for this journey after all.
With much love,
Marcy
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