Had I written this blog before today, I would have been sobbing the whole time while writing it. Last week was emotionally one of the toughest weeks I’ve had since I started this journey.
For starters, I’m still dealing with the feet and hand pain. The oncologist said this is a neuropathic side effect and could last months, which I assumed stupidly that it would go away in like two weeks. It gets less and less by the day, but I’m still wearing my tennis/comfort shoes and it hurts to write. My handwriting is horrible these days. Thankfully, it is easier to type.
As I stated in my last blog, I had two doctors’ appointments over the past two weeks. First was the visit to my plastic surgeon. Actually, that visit went okay. We discussed his part in the upcoming mastectomy surgery – he will be putting in the extenders and doing a skin graft for better results. I’ll be flat until he starts inflating the extenders, and he can’t start inflating until after radiation if I still need it. He said it would take two months to inflate them, one month to let them sit and then we could start the reconstruction stages, which would come in three separate outpatient procedures. He said the extender phase is painful. He said they don’t look normal and are very hard. So I asked him, “So what about a stomach sleeper like me?” He answered, “You better find another sleeping position or you’re going to be miserable.” Great. Another bummer was he said he couldn’t use my belly fat as thought before due to my blood clot history – too risky, so no tummy tuck for me!
The curveball came at my visit to my gynecological oncologist. I went in there thinking we were going to schedule the ovaries and fallopian tubes surgery, which I was hoping to do in March after race weekend. However, my doctor asked me, “What about your uterus?” I responded, “I thought I got to keep it so I could do a donor egg pregnancy.” He said, “But can you? If you can’t use it, I’d like to take it because it would be better for you side effect wise.” And then it hit me: Hormones. He told me to call my fertility doctor and my oncologist to figure it out and get back to him. My fertility doctor confirmed that a donor egg pregnancy would have to be supported through hormones. I called my oncologist and he said that he would never allow me to be on hormones again – that the only studies that have been done on hormones and cancer patients were on women who were cancer free for five years and taking hormones for menopause. He said no studies have been done on fertility drugs and since I had the BRCA gene that he can’t in good conscience ever allow me to take hormones again. I asked him about the doctor’s recommendation about taking the uterus and he said it would be a much safer surgery for me in the long run. So instead of having a smaller surgery, I’m having a full hysterectomy, which will require a six week recovery. My only options now for children are a surrogate with a donor egg or adoption. I know that’s not the end of the world, but it feels like it for me right now. I know I’ll get to that point one day where I will embrace those options, but right now my dream, which I thought wasn’t all that unrealistic because it seems the norm for most everyone in this world, has been shattered.
After talking to my oncologist, I lost it. It’s hard enough dealing with cancer alone, and then to lump all the fertility losses on top of it, I was officially in the mad and depressed stage of grief all at once – what I call “Stuck in Neutral.” I’m not moving forward, not moving backward. Just stuck. I don’t think I’ve cried this much in two weeks in my whole life. It’s been overwhelming. I know I should be thankful that I’m alive and that I will beat this disease, but I’m grieving for what I’m losing – my fertility and my body parts all the same time. I still can’t imagine what it will be like to wake up from surgery to find my breasts gone. I’m trying to prepare for that, but I feel I’ll have another wave of weepiness coming on afterwards.
Fortunately, I’ve begun seeing a counselor at cancer support at Piedmont Hospital and she’s helping me through all the myriad of emotions that go with a cancer patient. She’s a survivor, so not only is she licensed, she gets it and all her patients are cancer patients, so she’s extremely helpful. I’m also thankful to have my friend who survived leukemia. She’s been wonderful of helping me put my emotions into perspective and be okay with it all. Right now, I have to go through these mad and depressed stages to get out on the other side healthy. If not, all it will do is manifest itself somewhere and come out later in some form or fashion. As much as I’m thankful for all the supportive friends and family, sometimes it takes talking to someone who knows exactly what you are feeling and to let you know its okay to feel that way is reassuring. I’ve always been a glass half full person and it sucks to be so negative these days. Talking to these two wonderful women is certainly helping me slowly crawl out of my hole.
I know it’s a tough road ahead still even with chemo behind me. It will still have its ups and downs. My biggest downfall is my patience and I’m so ready to be on the road to recovery and I still have a long way to go before I get there. I want my life back right now and it can’t happen. I miss my life I had before this diagnosis. I get frustrated when my body won’t allow me to do the things I want to do. And for a person that isn’t patient, it isn’t a good combination. This disease wants you to take it “one day at a time” and I’m not good at that. I’m getting better at it, but it’s still a battle for me. But I’m trying though. That’s all I can do for now.
I’m glad I’m writing this now because after speaking to these two women and a few special friends, I have a renewed sense of optimism for the future – that there will be an even better version of me in the future – still me, but looking through a different set of lenses where you see the world more clearer and know what’s important. One of those friends was an ex-boyfriend from many moons ago; 22 years to be exact. He reminded me of the things that make me special and they have nothing to do with looks. He told me it’s what’s between my ears that makes me, me and to never forget that. Looks fade, but it’s what’s in my brain that makes me the woman I am – smart, confident, funny and beautiful. It’s hard to feel that way when your outward appearance is at its worst, but it was a great reminder and gave me great hope for the future of the woman I will be again one day when I’m done traveling this road.
Wish me luck on my surgery, that everything goes safely and smoothly – I’ve never had a five-hour surgery before and I’m very nervous. I think this is the first time in a long time that I can officially feel the butterflies in my stomach. I wish I didn’t have to wait another day.
Please also say a prayer I get good news on December 1 that I won’t need radiation. I realized that I was locked on that being the news because I felt I deserved a break with all the problems I’d had on this road so far, but after speaking to the counselor, I’ve prepared myself if it does come back that I need it instead of holding on tightly to what the doctor said. One day at a time, right?
Thank you all for your continued words of kindness and support.
With love,
Marcy
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Chemo, Check. Mastectomy, Next.
I know in my last blog, I was really down. Sometimes you just have those days. Fortunately, I haven’t had many of them and have managed to stay positive most of the time. However, when Oct. 22 rolled around, I was in a GREAT mood. It was my last chemo and I was ready to celebrate having that behind me. Even though I knew I technically wasn’t “done” with chemo because I hadn’t suffered through the side effects, it would be the last time that I would have to do either.
While in my oncologist’s office, he said for the second time that I might not have to have radiation. I didn’t mention when he said it the first time because I didn’t want to get my heart set on not having to have it, only to get let down. But he said it a SECOND TIME! I’m not sure what he’s basing it on, but he’s said it twice now and that’s good enough for me. I guess it depends on the surgery and what they see on making that decision. I have a follow up appointment with him on Dec. 1 after the surgery and I guess we will wait and see what he says then. I don’t want to come this far and skimp at the end, but if he says I don’t need radiation, I won’t question him. In fact, I joked with him that if he tells me that good news, he better run because I plan on getting a running start and then leaping to give him the biggest bear hug of his life where he will land on his back on the floor. We both laughed, but seriously, that would be such great news to receive. If I do have to have radiation, it will require me to go every day, five days a week for six weeks, plus its side effects is extreme fatigue and to be quite honest, I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’d like to get this surgery over and done with and get to feeling better. Please say a prayer that I get to skip radiation.
Speaking of the surgery, we are all set for Thursday, Nov. 19. I can’t believe that’s only 2.5 weeks away. I will be out of work for two weeks and I know the recovery won’t be easy, but after enduring chemo, I feel I can take on anything.
This last chemo was the worst with the body aches by far. I had the chemo on Thursday and by Friday night the body aches had kicked in. They progressively got worse, so bad that it hurt to move by Sunday. My poor dad was with me on the Sunday and Monday following the chemo and he had to put up with my sobs. I know it sucks for a man to sit there and stare at someone he loves and cannot do anything to help. I know he was very uncomfortable and it hurt me to see the look on his face knowing he wanted to take my pain away. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday, sitting with my legs straight out, as from my knees down hurt. Wednesday, I went to the office (having a co-worker drive me) and worked from the office couch in the same position. By Thursday, I could drive myself to work and by Friday, I could walk without being in excruciating pain. I spent Saturday and Sunday with my parents for Halloween, just because I didn’t want to be alone – I was having one of those “I want my mommy” days. There’s nothing like having your mom take care of you. I actually had a great weekend with my parents and the family dog, and even took my first walk in weeks. As of right now, my hands and feet are still in pain, but it is bearable. The feeling is a combination of pain and numbness. I can’t wait until I have a day when I’m pain free – I’m not sure what that would be like.
I’m still trying to be careful and avoid crowds because I don’t want to get sick before my surgery. I know this surgery is going to have a tough recovery (they say it takes two weeks to even get to 90%) and I want to be as strong as I can be going into it. I’m still battling fatigue, so I’m still taking my naps during the day and going to bed early each night. I’m trying to stay as busy as possible before the surgery, just because each time I think about it, I start to get upset. I will work every weekday leading up until the surgery, so that will help to keep my mind occupied.
I’m trying to look at the bright side of the surgery, not only do I not have to do my hair anymore, I won’t have to wear a bra either. Boy do guys have it easy! The one thing that bums me out is I initially didn’t lose my eyelashes or eyebrows when my hair fell out, but for some reason over the past few weeks, they have started to go away. I have stopped wearing mascara for fear all my eyelashes will fall out and then how will I put in my contacts?
I know I haven’t blogged in awhile --- this last go round with the pain was the worst, so I’m sorry. Thanks to everyone who keeps sending me notes of encouragement; it really does help – putting a smile on my face and lifting my spirits up. I’ve got two more doctor appointments before the surgery so I will blog if I have any news coming out of those.
Gotta run – my hands are cramping up some as it hurts to type. Love to you all!
Love,
Marcy
While in my oncologist’s office, he said for the second time that I might not have to have radiation. I didn’t mention when he said it the first time because I didn’t want to get my heart set on not having to have it, only to get let down. But he said it a SECOND TIME! I’m not sure what he’s basing it on, but he’s said it twice now and that’s good enough for me. I guess it depends on the surgery and what they see on making that decision. I have a follow up appointment with him on Dec. 1 after the surgery and I guess we will wait and see what he says then. I don’t want to come this far and skimp at the end, but if he says I don’t need radiation, I won’t question him. In fact, I joked with him that if he tells me that good news, he better run because I plan on getting a running start and then leaping to give him the biggest bear hug of his life where he will land on his back on the floor. We both laughed, but seriously, that would be such great news to receive. If I do have to have radiation, it will require me to go every day, five days a week for six weeks, plus its side effects is extreme fatigue and to be quite honest, I’m tired of being tired all the time. I’d like to get this surgery over and done with and get to feeling better. Please say a prayer that I get to skip radiation.
Speaking of the surgery, we are all set for Thursday, Nov. 19. I can’t believe that’s only 2.5 weeks away. I will be out of work for two weeks and I know the recovery won’t be easy, but after enduring chemo, I feel I can take on anything.
This last chemo was the worst with the body aches by far. I had the chemo on Thursday and by Friday night the body aches had kicked in. They progressively got worse, so bad that it hurt to move by Sunday. My poor dad was with me on the Sunday and Monday following the chemo and he had to put up with my sobs. I know it sucks for a man to sit there and stare at someone he loves and cannot do anything to help. I know he was very uncomfortable and it hurt me to see the look on his face knowing he wanted to take my pain away. I worked from home Monday and Tuesday, sitting with my legs straight out, as from my knees down hurt. Wednesday, I went to the office (having a co-worker drive me) and worked from the office couch in the same position. By Thursday, I could drive myself to work and by Friday, I could walk without being in excruciating pain. I spent Saturday and Sunday with my parents for Halloween, just because I didn’t want to be alone – I was having one of those “I want my mommy” days. There’s nothing like having your mom take care of you. I actually had a great weekend with my parents and the family dog, and even took my first walk in weeks. As of right now, my hands and feet are still in pain, but it is bearable. The feeling is a combination of pain and numbness. I can’t wait until I have a day when I’m pain free – I’m not sure what that would be like.
I’m still trying to be careful and avoid crowds because I don’t want to get sick before my surgery. I know this surgery is going to have a tough recovery (they say it takes two weeks to even get to 90%) and I want to be as strong as I can be going into it. I’m still battling fatigue, so I’m still taking my naps during the day and going to bed early each night. I’m trying to stay as busy as possible before the surgery, just because each time I think about it, I start to get upset. I will work every weekday leading up until the surgery, so that will help to keep my mind occupied.
I’m trying to look at the bright side of the surgery, not only do I not have to do my hair anymore, I won’t have to wear a bra either. Boy do guys have it easy! The one thing that bums me out is I initially didn’t lose my eyelashes or eyebrows when my hair fell out, but for some reason over the past few weeks, they have started to go away. I have stopped wearing mascara for fear all my eyelashes will fall out and then how will I put in my contacts?
I know I haven’t blogged in awhile --- this last go round with the pain was the worst, so I’m sorry. Thanks to everyone who keeps sending me notes of encouragement; it really does help – putting a smile on my face and lifting my spirits up. I’ve got two more doctor appointments before the surgery so I will blog if I have any news coming out of those.
Gotta run – my hands are cramping up some as it hurts to type. Love to you all!
Love,
Marcy
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Smiling through the Tears
I should be celebrating that I’m nearing the end of chemotherapy, but as I get closer to the end, the more depressed I seem to get. Today was one of the worst days I’ve had in a long time. I’ve pretty much cried the whole day for a myriad of reasons. First, I’m still in a lot of pain. I stopped taking the pain medicine Friday morning, just because it causes constipation and I hate to be on it longer than a week. I have finally realized for the remainder of my time with these poisonous drugs in my body, I will have to be on pain medicine. The body aches go away after about five to six days, but the pain in my feet is constant and now it is starting to remain in my hands too. I’ve also been having pain in my left breast from time to time – and I mean stabbing pain that lasts for about five minutes. I hope that it is my breast and not my heart. They say chemo weakens the heart and they did an echocardiogram prior to chemo to get a baseline reading – I wonder if they will do one afterwards to see how much damage was done. Regardless, I can’t figure out the cause of that stabbing pain – it happens usually a couple of times a week. I will wait until my next doctor’s appointment to ask about it.
Second, I was invited to go to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure of Greater Atlanta’s Pink Power Party which was held tonight. However, as bad as I felt this morning, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go. I can’t even put on a shoe with a low heel my feet are in so much pain. I’ve quit wearing normal shoes to work because I wear tennis shoes everywhere now. It infuriates me that my body won’t allow me to do the things I want to do. Last night I went out to dinner with my family to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I hurt all through dinner and after dinner my mom and I stopped by a local specialty grocery store and PetSmart since it was right next door, but it was painful the entire time and it was extremely tiring trying to go through both stores. And when I woke up this morning, I could barely get out of bed. The more I push my body, the worse I feel. It is extremely frustrating that I can’t do things I want to do due to the pain and fatigue and it makes you feel like a prisoner.
Third, I’m starting to focus more on the upcoming mastectomy surgery more. The idea of waking from a five-hour procedure and both my breasts will be gone is VERY upsetting. It’s not they are the greatest, but they are mine. MINE. I know they are sick and I know they need to be taken away, but the thought of waking up without them is indescribable and I think I’m already beginning to mourn that loss.
Finally, as I’m crying and watching TV this morning, I see a commercial of a mother who has just given birth, holding her newborn and it set me over the edge. I know that I will never go through that and it breaks my heart. Anything that has to do with mothers giving birth on TV, in movies, etc. just makes me cry. I’m not sure what it will take for me to come to terms with the fact I will never bear my own children when that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of my whole life.
Even with this depression, I know this whole process has made me stronger than I’ve ever imagined. Not only has it tested the strength of my body and what it can endure, it has also challenged me mentally. My whole life I’ve been a glass half-full person, yet here I sit today, only two and a half weeks from the end of chemo and I’m not celebrating. I don’t understand why I’m not. I should be and how far I’ve come since June 29, but I can’t. All I’m doing is focusing on the fear of the upcoming surgery and all that follows. It’s still a very long road ahead and even though I know that road will not be anywhere near as painful as the one that’s almost behind me, I’m still sad. I think this has to do with the fact that I’m a planner. I want to know when radiation will start and end and my doctors can’t tell me that because they can’t start it until my surgery wounds heal entirely and with me being on blood thinner shots, they have no idea how fast I will heal. I also want to know when we will be ready to do the reconstruction surgery and they can’t tell me that because I have no idea how long it will take to stretch the skin with the extenders and they can’t start that until after radiation ends. At work, all I’m doing is doing planning for 2010 and I can’t plan for myself – it’s frustrating. I’ve got a work trip scheduled for June 20 and I have no idea if I will have had my reconstruction surgery by then and again, that frustrates me and tests my patience. I wish I could just roll with the punches, take things as they come, realize that I’m not in control of the situation and just let it go. Yet when I’m at work, I’m doing all this planning and I think that is what has caused this frustration with the lack of scheduling of my medical journey.
Just this week I’ve decided to do a little documenting of my cancer battle. I haven’t taken any pictures really other than my initial short haircut and wig shopping. I’ve been afraid of taking a picture of myself bald. I don’t know why – probably because I think I look ugly. I thought I wouldn’t want to remember it, but I realize now I need to. I bought a shirt that says, “Cancer Sucks” with a pink ribbon exclamation point and I’m going to wear it when I take the picture. I’m also going to do my first nude picture in my life. I’m going to wear a hat a friend gave to me that says “Save the Ta-Tas” and take a picture of me wearing it and showing my own boobs before the mastectomy, just so I can remember what they used to look like. Please note, neither photo will be posted in my Facebook photo page (grin), but they will be for me. I know it seems silly, but for me, I just never want to forget this battle I’ve been through. I’m sure I’ll add a few more strange ones along the way like when I get my radiation tattoos or post-mastectomy when my breasts are gone.
I was also able to speak to my friend who battled leukemia I spoke of in my last blog this week. I was such a great phone call – we laughed some and cried some and it was just so great to hear her voice. It sucks that it has taken cancer for the two of us to reconnect, but I know I’ll be in contact with her more from now on out. She’s become a source of strength and inspiration for me. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I didn’t want to confide or speak with anyone else who has had cancer even though I had many great people reach out to me. I was just too scared due to the fear of the unknown – I was petrified and wanted to be in the dark. She reached out at just the right time and I’m ready to have that person in my life now to be able to relate to and I’m glad she’s the one. I guess a greater power sends people to us just at the right time and I’m extremely grateful she’s in my life now.
I know many of you keep asking about dates of things, so here’s what is coming up:
Thursday, Oct. 22 – Final Chemotherapy treatment
Wednesday, Nov. 4 – appointment with the plastic surgeon (final one before the mastectomy)
Tuesday, Nov. 10 – appointment with the gynecological oncologist (hopefully to schedule surgery to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed)
Thursday, Nov. 19 – mastectomy surgery (skin saving mastectomy, port removal and insertion of the extenders to prepare for the breast reconstruction surgery – I will be in the hospital for a couple of days and out of work for two weeks).
As for this last note, my mom told me I needed to clarify this as she said she was confused when she read the press release. When I spoke about the “Helmet of Hope” with the Jimmie Johnson Foundation in a previous blog, Jimmie’s Foundation didn’t donate the money to me, they donated it to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Greater Atlanta chapter in my name/my honor. A media member wrote into the Jimmie Johnson Foundation to nominate the Atlanta Komen chapter in my honor. What makes all of this even cooler is Jimmie won the race in California last weekend when he ran that paint scheme. Mom and I ordered t-shirts to support the cause. You can too if you want as proceeds from sales of the t-shirts goes directly to the 12 charities on his helmet, which the Atlanta Komen chapter was one of those 12, and you can purchase the shirts here: http://jimmiejohnson.shop.sportstoday.com/Product.aspx?cp=15833_16010&pc=JJCT072#.
Thanks to everyone’s continued notes of support and encouragement. You’d think I’d be handling things better at this point, but there’s no guidebook to the cancer path. Let’s hope I can start getting into a celebration mood more than the depressed place I’ve been lately. I’m finding times I can smile through the tears and that’s a great feeling.
With love to you all,
Marcy
Second, I was invited to go to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure of Greater Atlanta’s Pink Power Party which was held tonight. However, as bad as I felt this morning, I knew I wouldn’t be able to go. I can’t even put on a shoe with a low heel my feet are in so much pain. I’ve quit wearing normal shoes to work because I wear tennis shoes everywhere now. It infuriates me that my body won’t allow me to do the things I want to do. Last night I went out to dinner with my family to celebrate my mother’s birthday. I hurt all through dinner and after dinner my mom and I stopped by a local specialty grocery store and PetSmart since it was right next door, but it was painful the entire time and it was extremely tiring trying to go through both stores. And when I woke up this morning, I could barely get out of bed. The more I push my body, the worse I feel. It is extremely frustrating that I can’t do things I want to do due to the pain and fatigue and it makes you feel like a prisoner.
Third, I’m starting to focus more on the upcoming mastectomy surgery more. The idea of waking from a five-hour procedure and both my breasts will be gone is VERY upsetting. It’s not they are the greatest, but they are mine. MINE. I know they are sick and I know they need to be taken away, but the thought of waking up without them is indescribable and I think I’m already beginning to mourn that loss.
Finally, as I’m crying and watching TV this morning, I see a commercial of a mother who has just given birth, holding her newborn and it set me over the edge. I know that I will never go through that and it breaks my heart. Anything that has to do with mothers giving birth on TV, in movies, etc. just makes me cry. I’m not sure what it will take for me to come to terms with the fact I will never bear my own children when that’s all I’ve ever dreamed of my whole life.
Even with this depression, I know this whole process has made me stronger than I’ve ever imagined. Not only has it tested the strength of my body and what it can endure, it has also challenged me mentally. My whole life I’ve been a glass half-full person, yet here I sit today, only two and a half weeks from the end of chemo and I’m not celebrating. I don’t understand why I’m not. I should be and how far I’ve come since June 29, but I can’t. All I’m doing is focusing on the fear of the upcoming surgery and all that follows. It’s still a very long road ahead and even though I know that road will not be anywhere near as painful as the one that’s almost behind me, I’m still sad. I think this has to do with the fact that I’m a planner. I want to know when radiation will start and end and my doctors can’t tell me that because they can’t start it until my surgery wounds heal entirely and with me being on blood thinner shots, they have no idea how fast I will heal. I also want to know when we will be ready to do the reconstruction surgery and they can’t tell me that because I have no idea how long it will take to stretch the skin with the extenders and they can’t start that until after radiation ends. At work, all I’m doing is doing planning for 2010 and I can’t plan for myself – it’s frustrating. I’ve got a work trip scheduled for June 20 and I have no idea if I will have had my reconstruction surgery by then and again, that frustrates me and tests my patience. I wish I could just roll with the punches, take things as they come, realize that I’m not in control of the situation and just let it go. Yet when I’m at work, I’m doing all this planning and I think that is what has caused this frustration with the lack of scheduling of my medical journey.
Just this week I’ve decided to do a little documenting of my cancer battle. I haven’t taken any pictures really other than my initial short haircut and wig shopping. I’ve been afraid of taking a picture of myself bald. I don’t know why – probably because I think I look ugly. I thought I wouldn’t want to remember it, but I realize now I need to. I bought a shirt that says, “Cancer Sucks” with a pink ribbon exclamation point and I’m going to wear it when I take the picture. I’m also going to do my first nude picture in my life. I’m going to wear a hat a friend gave to me that says “Save the Ta-Tas” and take a picture of me wearing it and showing my own boobs before the mastectomy, just so I can remember what they used to look like. Please note, neither photo will be posted in my Facebook photo page (grin), but they will be for me. I know it seems silly, but for me, I just never want to forget this battle I’ve been through. I’m sure I’ll add a few more strange ones along the way like when I get my radiation tattoos or post-mastectomy when my breasts are gone.
I was also able to speak to my friend who battled leukemia I spoke of in my last blog this week. I was such a great phone call – we laughed some and cried some and it was just so great to hear her voice. It sucks that it has taken cancer for the two of us to reconnect, but I know I’ll be in contact with her more from now on out. She’s become a source of strength and inspiration for me. When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I didn’t want to confide or speak with anyone else who has had cancer even though I had many great people reach out to me. I was just too scared due to the fear of the unknown – I was petrified and wanted to be in the dark. She reached out at just the right time and I’m ready to have that person in my life now to be able to relate to and I’m glad she’s the one. I guess a greater power sends people to us just at the right time and I’m extremely grateful she’s in my life now.
I know many of you keep asking about dates of things, so here’s what is coming up:
Thursday, Oct. 22 – Final Chemotherapy treatment
Wednesday, Nov. 4 – appointment with the plastic surgeon (final one before the mastectomy)
Tuesday, Nov. 10 – appointment with the gynecological oncologist (hopefully to schedule surgery to have my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed)
Thursday, Nov. 19 – mastectomy surgery (skin saving mastectomy, port removal and insertion of the extenders to prepare for the breast reconstruction surgery – I will be in the hospital for a couple of days and out of work for two weeks).
As for this last note, my mom told me I needed to clarify this as she said she was confused when she read the press release. When I spoke about the “Helmet of Hope” with the Jimmie Johnson Foundation in a previous blog, Jimmie’s Foundation didn’t donate the money to me, they donated it to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Greater Atlanta chapter in my name/my honor. A media member wrote into the Jimmie Johnson Foundation to nominate the Atlanta Komen chapter in my honor. What makes all of this even cooler is Jimmie won the race in California last weekend when he ran that paint scheme. Mom and I ordered t-shirts to support the cause. You can too if you want as proceeds from sales of the t-shirts goes directly to the 12 charities on his helmet, which the Atlanta Komen chapter was one of those 12, and you can purchase the shirts here: http://jimmiejohnson.shop.sportstoday.com/Product.aspx?cp=15833_16010&pc=JJCT072#.
Thanks to everyone’s continued notes of support and encouragement. You’d think I’d be handling things better at this point, but there’s no guidebook to the cancer path. Let’s hope I can start getting into a celebration mood more than the depressed place I’ve been lately. I’m finding times I can smile through the tears and that’s a great feeling.
With love to you all,
Marcy
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
No News is Good News
I haven’t blogged in awhile, but didn’t realize that it has been almost two weeks since my last one. I’ve been trying to keep to a once a week schedule, but to be honest, I haven’t had much to report, which in the world of being sick is a good thing.
The blood clots I’ve been dealing with have finally stopped hurting. The arm with the clots is more swollen than the other and you can see all the veins in the arm, but at least it isn’t hurting. My port will be coming out during my mastectomy surgery, so hopefully no more clots to deal with ever again.
I’m becoming a pro at giving myself the shots with the blood thinner medicine. It’s actually scary how well I can do it now – but that doesn’t mean I like it one bit. I cringe every night when the clock shows 9 p.m. and it is time for my shot. Sometimes it hurts a lot and sometimes its okay. I have all these little poke holes all over my stomach. When I go to give a shot each night, I look for spot where I have no puncture hole.
Speaking of stomachs, I forgot to put something in my last blog. When I went to see my plastic surgeon, he said something to me and I’m not sure if I should be cheering or taking it as a back-handed compliment. While doing his evaluation, he told me, “You only have enough belly fat to make one boob.” Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, but at least it gave me and my girlfriends a great laugh. In fact, many of my friends asked if they could donate their belly fat to make the other boob. Needless to say, I guess I’m getting a tummy tuck and new boobs at the same time.
I still haven’t come to terms with that – fake boobs. Not like the elective surgery kind. All fake. Tattooed nipples. Possibly never regaining feeling in them. Sometimes I think, “What’s the point?” And on top of all of those things, they would just be in the way of my golf swing. Then all I have to do is envision myself in a bathing suit with no boobs and it becomes and easy decision to have the surgery.
My second Taxol treatment went as expected. I had the bad body aches for about six days, starting about 24 hours after the chemo is administered. However, the aches never went away in my feet. They still hurt as I type this. It’s a combined feeling of achiness and the feeling of your foot being asleep; it’s a strange combination. My doctor also told me that the blood transfusion helped. My count was 7.8 before it and it was 10.8 that day. Normal is 14. They are keeping an eye on my levels, hoping it doesn’t dip low again. I think the transfusion was a great thing because I think it has helped my energy level greatly.
In fact, I’ve been able to get back to doing a few “normal” things with this new energy. For weeks on end, I hadn’t eaten out or gone anywhere. I’ve had to send my family to pick up things when I’ve needed them. But in the past two weeks, I’ve been to the grocery store twice now. It’s funny how you miss normal things when you don’t get to do them. I was so excited to be able to pick out things that I wanted. My first treat was Coca-Cola in glass bottles.
Two weekends ago the day after my Taxol treatment, I told my mom, “Let’s go to Target before the body aches set in,” so off we went. Even though it was only an hour outing, it was great to be out. Last weekend after the body aches had subsided some, Mom and I went to Macy’s. It’s amazing what a little retail therapy can do. I even ventured out to a nice dinner one night with a girlfriend and last Saturday while shopping with my mom, went to Pappasita’s Cantina and had Mexican food for the first time since early July. If you know me well, you know how much I love Mexican food. It has been very nice to have a few days of normalcy the past couple of weekends in between the onset of the body pain.
Mom helped me last weekend put out a few Halloween decorations – I don’t have many, but it helps create a sense of normalcy that you are continuing to do the things you normally do. She even bought me a Target a new Halloween welcome mat with a kitty cat on it, so it’s real cute.
While mom and I were talking about Halloween decorations, we started talking about Christmas. Decorating for Christmas is a big deal for my family. If you think I’m bad, you should see my mother’s house. I usually decorate for Christmas the weekend before Thanksgiving because our family normally goes out of town the weekend of Thanksgiving. However, this year, I will be recovering from my mastectomy around that time, so she said we would decorate the weekend before surgery, so I will have my Christmas tree up starting November 14. Scary to have it up that early, but I don’t want to decorate the second week of December and have it up for only a few weeks.
I originally thought my mastectomy date would be Tuesday, November 17. However, when you have to coordinate two doctors’ schedules, you don’t always get what you want. We have a final date now: Thursday, November 19 at 8 a.m. I have to be there at 6 a.m. – how fun!
My last appointment with my breast surgeon went well. The cancer looks like it is shrinking and responding to the chemo well, so we are both very happy. In fact, the next time I see her will be at the surgery date – she says I’m good to go!
And even better news, is I only have TWO MORE CHEMO TREATMENTS TO GO!!!!! I can’t believe the time has flown so fast. Two more. Wow! Thursday, Oct. 8 and Thursday, Oct. 22. By the time Halloween arrives, I will consider myself done because hopefully, all the side effects will have subsided by then.
Sorry to be “offline” for so long. I just thought I hadn’t had much to say, but after typing this, I guess I did.
It’s good to have a few days of feeling like a normal person again – even if you only are operating at 85%. That’s great for a cancer patient.
On a final note, the last week I’ve been in a funk. Very sad about having cancer and the road I’m having to travel. I had a friend reach out to me that had leukemia almost three years ago. I kept up with her during her battle via a mutual friend, sent her a care package when she was sick, but never was inside her head with what she was going through because she didn’t blog or do the Facebook thing that everyone does now. This week she sent me a care package. And what was in it was so special. She sent me some hats, but instead of blogging about her journey, she wrote a journal – now let me tell you, this is no journal; it’s a full blown book and what a gift it was. I spent last night reading the first half of it – I couldn’t put it down. It was so great to hear from her and to be able to relate to her and all she went through now that I’ve been through a lot of those similar things. It meant so much to be able to read what was going through her head, so hopefully this blog is doing the same for all my friends. I can’t wait to read the second half of her story and give her a call to catch up. It’s also given me perspective. All my friends have been telling me how strong I’ve become during my battle with cancer, but after reading her story, she’s my new hero. Anytime I start to bitch and complain about how bad I have it, I will think of her and shut my mouth. I want to thank her for dragging me out of my funk. It was the perfect timing.
With love to you all,
Marcy
The blood clots I’ve been dealing with have finally stopped hurting. The arm with the clots is more swollen than the other and you can see all the veins in the arm, but at least it isn’t hurting. My port will be coming out during my mastectomy surgery, so hopefully no more clots to deal with ever again.
I’m becoming a pro at giving myself the shots with the blood thinner medicine. It’s actually scary how well I can do it now – but that doesn’t mean I like it one bit. I cringe every night when the clock shows 9 p.m. and it is time for my shot. Sometimes it hurts a lot and sometimes its okay. I have all these little poke holes all over my stomach. When I go to give a shot each night, I look for spot where I have no puncture hole.
Speaking of stomachs, I forgot to put something in my last blog. When I went to see my plastic surgeon, he said something to me and I’m not sure if I should be cheering or taking it as a back-handed compliment. While doing his evaluation, he told me, “You only have enough belly fat to make one boob.” Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, but at least it gave me and my girlfriends a great laugh. In fact, many of my friends asked if they could donate their belly fat to make the other boob. Needless to say, I guess I’m getting a tummy tuck and new boobs at the same time.
I still haven’t come to terms with that – fake boobs. Not like the elective surgery kind. All fake. Tattooed nipples. Possibly never regaining feeling in them. Sometimes I think, “What’s the point?” And on top of all of those things, they would just be in the way of my golf swing. Then all I have to do is envision myself in a bathing suit with no boobs and it becomes and easy decision to have the surgery.
My second Taxol treatment went as expected. I had the bad body aches for about six days, starting about 24 hours after the chemo is administered. However, the aches never went away in my feet. They still hurt as I type this. It’s a combined feeling of achiness and the feeling of your foot being asleep; it’s a strange combination. My doctor also told me that the blood transfusion helped. My count was 7.8 before it and it was 10.8 that day. Normal is 14. They are keeping an eye on my levels, hoping it doesn’t dip low again. I think the transfusion was a great thing because I think it has helped my energy level greatly.
In fact, I’ve been able to get back to doing a few “normal” things with this new energy. For weeks on end, I hadn’t eaten out or gone anywhere. I’ve had to send my family to pick up things when I’ve needed them. But in the past two weeks, I’ve been to the grocery store twice now. It’s funny how you miss normal things when you don’t get to do them. I was so excited to be able to pick out things that I wanted. My first treat was Coca-Cola in glass bottles.
Two weekends ago the day after my Taxol treatment, I told my mom, “Let’s go to Target before the body aches set in,” so off we went. Even though it was only an hour outing, it was great to be out. Last weekend after the body aches had subsided some, Mom and I went to Macy’s. It’s amazing what a little retail therapy can do. I even ventured out to a nice dinner one night with a girlfriend and last Saturday while shopping with my mom, went to Pappasita’s Cantina and had Mexican food for the first time since early July. If you know me well, you know how much I love Mexican food. It has been very nice to have a few days of normalcy the past couple of weekends in between the onset of the body pain.
Mom helped me last weekend put out a few Halloween decorations – I don’t have many, but it helps create a sense of normalcy that you are continuing to do the things you normally do. She even bought me a Target a new Halloween welcome mat with a kitty cat on it, so it’s real cute.
While mom and I were talking about Halloween decorations, we started talking about Christmas. Decorating for Christmas is a big deal for my family. If you think I’m bad, you should see my mother’s house. I usually decorate for Christmas the weekend before Thanksgiving because our family normally goes out of town the weekend of Thanksgiving. However, this year, I will be recovering from my mastectomy around that time, so she said we would decorate the weekend before surgery, so I will have my Christmas tree up starting November 14. Scary to have it up that early, but I don’t want to decorate the second week of December and have it up for only a few weeks.
I originally thought my mastectomy date would be Tuesday, November 17. However, when you have to coordinate two doctors’ schedules, you don’t always get what you want. We have a final date now: Thursday, November 19 at 8 a.m. I have to be there at 6 a.m. – how fun!
My last appointment with my breast surgeon went well. The cancer looks like it is shrinking and responding to the chemo well, so we are both very happy. In fact, the next time I see her will be at the surgery date – she says I’m good to go!
And even better news, is I only have TWO MORE CHEMO TREATMENTS TO GO!!!!! I can’t believe the time has flown so fast. Two more. Wow! Thursday, Oct. 8 and Thursday, Oct. 22. By the time Halloween arrives, I will consider myself done because hopefully, all the side effects will have subsided by then.
Sorry to be “offline” for so long. I just thought I hadn’t had much to say, but after typing this, I guess I did.
It’s good to have a few days of feeling like a normal person again – even if you only are operating at 85%. That’s great for a cancer patient.
On a final note, the last week I’ve been in a funk. Very sad about having cancer and the road I’m having to travel. I had a friend reach out to me that had leukemia almost three years ago. I kept up with her during her battle via a mutual friend, sent her a care package when she was sick, but never was inside her head with what she was going through because she didn’t blog or do the Facebook thing that everyone does now. This week she sent me a care package. And what was in it was so special. She sent me some hats, but instead of blogging about her journey, she wrote a journal – now let me tell you, this is no journal; it’s a full blown book and what a gift it was. I spent last night reading the first half of it – I couldn’t put it down. It was so great to hear from her and to be able to relate to her and all she went through now that I’ve been through a lot of those similar things. It meant so much to be able to read what was going through her head, so hopefully this blog is doing the same for all my friends. I can’t wait to read the second half of her story and give her a call to catch up. It’s also given me perspective. All my friends have been telling me how strong I’ve become during my battle with cancer, but after reading her story, she’s my new hero. Anytime I start to bitch and complain about how bad I have it, I will think of her and shut my mouth. I want to thank her for dragging me out of my funk. It was the perfect timing.
With love to you all,
Marcy
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Blood Clot No. 4, Plastic Surgeon and Helmet of Hope
It’s been almost a week since the last blog and I thought, “Certainly, we are all downhill from here.” Not so.
I went to see my plastic surgeon on Friday and had felt a pain in my right elbow since the day before. I asked him that even though that wasn’t his specialty, did he think it was a blood clot because it had the symptoms of the previous three that I had already been diagnosed with. He said he thought so, wrote up the order for the ultrasound (so I didn’t have to go over to my oncologist, wait to be seen, just to get the order – which was SOOO nice of him). I went over to get the ultrasound, saw the same great tech that found clots No. 2 and 3, and she said, “Yep, here’s No. 4.” Took the results to my oncologist and they said they were “sorry that I was having such a hard time with all of this. That some people are just very sensitive and I’m just one of those patients that are going to have a hard time.” Great.
I’ve been very discouraged that I have side effect after side effect. I’m ready to get through this. The only thing that keeps me going is I have three more chemos to go. Three more then I’m done with this crap of feeling bad all the time.
Good news is I think the blood transfusion has helped with my energy level. The doctors said my hemoglobin levels were low when they ordered it last week. I didn’t know much about what hemoglobin numbers mean and a nurse friend of mine explained it to me. Normally, a man is around a 16; women 14. My nurse friend’s dialysis patients dip down to a 12 and I was a 7.8. SEVEN POINT EIGHT! No wonder why I had no energy!!!! I’m still tired quite a bit, but I do think it has helped as I’m able to do more things than I used to be.
Back to the plastic surgeon – he was great. I think I’m going to really like him. I’ve heard two people say he’s the “rock star” of breast reconstruction. He will work hand in hand with my breast surgeon for the mastectomy which is scheduled for November 17. Here’s what will happen:
1) Breast surgeon will remove all breast tissue – ALL of it.
2) Removal of my port used for chemotherapy.
3) They will put a stain in my lymph nodes to see which have been affected by the cancer and remove those. (Let’s hope it’s not too many so I don’t have to deal with lymphodema).
4) Next the plastic surgeon will insert extenders under my muscle and skin. Each extender will have a valve where the doctor can insert saline weekly to stretch the skin. It’s kind of like filling your bike tire with air. They insert the saline and it won’t leak out. Kinda cool.
I’m not sure how long the procedure will last. My breast surgeon said her part is 2.5 hours. Have no idea how long the plastic surgeon’s part is. This will be a big surgery. I will be in the hospital about two days and then have to wear drains for two weeks. I will be taking off almost two weeks of work to recover.
My breast surgeon said I will be able to start radiation anywhere from two to six weeks following the mastectomy depending on how I heal, but the plastic surgeon can’t start inflating the extenders until I finish radiation, which takes six weeks. So I have no idea when I’ll be able to have my reconstruction surgery.
Which means, I’ll be flat as a pancake for several months? I’m not sure how I will deal with no boobs at all. They say you can do prosthesis in your normal bras or padding to feel “normal.” I’m not sure about all that. I can’t wrap my head around not having boobs yet. I’ve read books that you should shop in advance to get ready for post surgery but I’m having a hard time thinking about that. Waking up to a bare chest. My grandmother had only one boob her whole life and I remember seeing her like that when I was young. It was weird. I know that’s going to affect how I feel about myself, even if I wear a prosthesis or padding. I wish I could say I was stronger and it didn’t matter, but I know it will.
I’ve finally think I’ll be ready soon to start seeing a therapist to help me get through all of these issues. Chemo has been too overwhelming, so I think after the mastectomy, I’m going to start seeing this woman who came well recommended and deals primarily with breast cancer patients. Even though I think I’m handing all of this okay, but I know I haven’t started dealing with the loss of fertility among all other issues. I think I’ve been pretty positive throughout this, but I can’t say that I don’t cry and get down sometimes. It’s too overwhelming and I know that a therapist will be able to help me sort through it all. I’m working on getting my body healed, but I’ve got to get help my mind get healthy by processing it all as best I can.
I have my second Taxol treatment this week. The bad body pains seem to last about six days. I think I would’ve had a bit of a break the last chemo cycle had I not had the blood transfusion and blood clot No. 4. I still have the pain of the clots every day, even today. They say it takes two to three weeks for the clot pain to subside and four to six months for them to heal entirely. Ugh. I hope I get some relief soon.
To end on a positive note, a really cool NASCAR media member (and great person to boot) did something nice in my honor. NASCAR driver Jimmie Johnson is going to wear a “Helmet of Hope” during the Oct. 11 NASCAR race in California. The helmet will feature 12 charities and each charity will receive $1,048 (for those of you that aren’t NASCAR fans, Jimmie’s car number is 48). Jimmie’s foundation is selling t-shirts to honor the helmet/charities and all proceeds of the sale of t-shirts will be sent to the 12 charities. This media member nominated the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Greater Atlanta in my honor and I was extremely touched and grateful that he did that. See full story: http://www.jimmiejohnsonfoundation.org/News/News-Archives/Final-Two-Charities-Selected-for-Helmet-of-Hope.aspx. The t-shirts are $10.00 and you can visit here if you are interested in buying one: http://www.jimmiejohnsonfoundation.org/Events/Helmet-of-Hope.aspx.
Thanks to everyone keeping up with me and sending all the love, support and well wishes.
Love you all!
Marcy
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Seriously?!
It’s kind of ironic that I start out my blog with “Seriously?!” this time, since it’s exactly one week before one of my favorite shows, Grey’s Anatomy, comes back on. If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you know they use the word seriously seriously too much.
I had updated you on the two new blood clots in the last blog and the shots I’m giving myself. Unfortunately, the shots haven’t gotten any easier – it still sucks to do it and the clot pains not subsided yet. I’m hoping for some relief there soon. The doctors say 2-3 weeks for the swelling and pain to go away and four to six months for them to actually heal.
I was eager to see if this new regimen, Taxol, would be easier. It started off well on Thursday (day of treatment) and Friday, but by Saturday, I started to feel bad. Good news is the nausea is not as bad. I usually feel really nauseas in the morning, sometimes to the point of dry heaving, but I make sure I eat first thing and I’m okay. If I start to feel queasy through the day, I just make sure I eat something and it usually subsides. The bad news about Taxol is it is giving me horrid body aches. And when I say body aches, it is from head to toe --- joints, muscles, everything. Only thing I can try to relate it to is if someone ran a marathon that they never trained for and finished the whole thing (which is impossible I know), but how sore you would be the next day. It hurts to walk, to move and is just plain miserable. Thus far on this first treatment, it lasted five days. My doctors have upped my pain medicine to try to manage through it, so hopefully it will be more tolerable the next cycle. Who knows?
I had to go back to my oncologist yesterday to get my blood levels checked. They were extremely low, so I had to get a blood transfusion – first one of my life. Anemia can be a side effect of chemo and guess what? I got it! It seems that if there is a side effect, I’m bound to get it. Yesterday was very long -- we got to the doctor at 7:45 a.m. and we didn’t leave the hospital until 4 p.m. On a positive note, my mom said I looked better after the transfusion with some color in my face. I’m hoping it will improve my energy level. When I told a friend of mine who is a nurse what my blood levels were, she couldn’t believe how low it was and said it was no wonder why I had no energy at all.
I started crying with my oncologist told me I had anemia. (This is when I was like, Seriously?! What next!!!!) I just couldn’t understand why I continue to have side effect after side effect and complication after complication. All she said was some people are just very sensitive and I’m just one of those people. She was very sympathetic and said she was very sorry that I was having such a hard time. She said some people breeze through it and it’s not that bad and I’m one of those patients whose body just can’t handle it well.
At this point, the only thing that keeps me positive is that I have three more treatments and I’m done. THREE MORE! I’m over halfway and if I can just manage through seven more weeks, I’ll be done with the worst part of treatment. There’s plenty more to come, but I believe that if I’ve been able to get through chemo, everything else I’ve got to do can’t be anywhere near as painful.
Next up is meeting with the plastic surgeon that will be involved in my mastectomy surgery and will do the reconstruction. I’ve heard from a couple of breast cancer survivors that he’s the rock star of breast reconstruction, so I think I’m in good hands.
I pray that next week I’ll get a bit of a break and have a few days of feeling better – praying that the body aches go away, the blood transfusion makes me feel better and the blood clot pain starts to decrease.
That’s all I have for now and let’s hope I don’t have anymore of those unexpected “Seriously?!” moments.
With love,
Marcy
I had updated you on the two new blood clots in the last blog and the shots I’m giving myself. Unfortunately, the shots haven’t gotten any easier – it still sucks to do it and the clot pains not subsided yet. I’m hoping for some relief there soon. The doctors say 2-3 weeks for the swelling and pain to go away and four to six months for them to actually heal.
I was eager to see if this new regimen, Taxol, would be easier. It started off well on Thursday (day of treatment) and Friday, but by Saturday, I started to feel bad. Good news is the nausea is not as bad. I usually feel really nauseas in the morning, sometimes to the point of dry heaving, but I make sure I eat first thing and I’m okay. If I start to feel queasy through the day, I just make sure I eat something and it usually subsides. The bad news about Taxol is it is giving me horrid body aches. And when I say body aches, it is from head to toe --- joints, muscles, everything. Only thing I can try to relate it to is if someone ran a marathon that they never trained for and finished the whole thing (which is impossible I know), but how sore you would be the next day. It hurts to walk, to move and is just plain miserable. Thus far on this first treatment, it lasted five days. My doctors have upped my pain medicine to try to manage through it, so hopefully it will be more tolerable the next cycle. Who knows?
I had to go back to my oncologist yesterday to get my blood levels checked. They were extremely low, so I had to get a blood transfusion – first one of my life. Anemia can be a side effect of chemo and guess what? I got it! It seems that if there is a side effect, I’m bound to get it. Yesterday was very long -- we got to the doctor at 7:45 a.m. and we didn’t leave the hospital until 4 p.m. On a positive note, my mom said I looked better after the transfusion with some color in my face. I’m hoping it will improve my energy level. When I told a friend of mine who is a nurse what my blood levels were, she couldn’t believe how low it was and said it was no wonder why I had no energy at all.
I started crying with my oncologist told me I had anemia. (This is when I was like, Seriously?! What next!!!!) I just couldn’t understand why I continue to have side effect after side effect and complication after complication. All she said was some people are just very sensitive and I’m just one of those people. She was very sympathetic and said she was very sorry that I was having such a hard time. She said some people breeze through it and it’s not that bad and I’m one of those patients whose body just can’t handle it well.
At this point, the only thing that keeps me positive is that I have three more treatments and I’m done. THREE MORE! I’m over halfway and if I can just manage through seven more weeks, I’ll be done with the worst part of treatment. There’s plenty more to come, but I believe that if I’ve been able to get through chemo, everything else I’ve got to do can’t be anywhere near as painful.
Next up is meeting with the plastic surgeon that will be involved in my mastectomy surgery and will do the reconstruction. I’ve heard from a couple of breast cancer survivors that he’s the rock star of breast reconstruction, so I think I’m in good hands.
I pray that next week I’ll get a bit of a break and have a few days of feeling better – praying that the body aches go away, the blood transfusion makes me feel better and the blood clot pain starts to decrease.
That’s all I have for now and let’s hope I don’t have anymore of those unexpected “Seriously?!” moments.
With love,
Marcy
Friday, September 11, 2009
Blood Clot, Booster, Birthday, Boobs and Blood Count
I had my last “Red Devil” treatment on August 27 and I had hoped it would go similar to the third chemo treatment cycle – 10 days of feeling bad and then break of four days of feeling somewhat well. However, I wasn’t so lucky this time. For starters, my doctor put me on Tamiflu, a flu prevention medicine so I wouldn’t get sick since my immune system is weakened. One of Tamiflu’s side effects is nausea, so I was nauseas those four days that would’ve normally been my “good days.” I was also in pain those days with pain in my right arm – symptoms similar to the first blood clot. I went to the doctor on Tuesday, Sept. 8 and was diagnosed with another blood clot. Even on the blood thinner medicine, I still managed to clot in two places in my upper right arm and armpit area and the doctors can’t seem to explain why this is happening. When my oncologist came into to the office to tell me, he had this look on his face that said, “You’re not going to like this news.” So I said to him, “Give me the bad news.” He said, “We are taking you off the blood thinner pills and you’re going to have to go to daily injections for 90 days.” At that point, I started crying. I’ve had a life long fear of needles and the last time I was on the blood thinner shots, I had to rely on my dad and two girlfriends to get me through the 10 days the doctor had me on them. However, when the doctor said 90 days, I knew I couldn’t rely on anyone but myself, which made my cry harder. I had to overcome this fear to take care of myself. I use the analogy of a person with an extreme fear of heights having to jump out of burning building. You realize you have no choice – no choice but to do what you have to do to take care of yourself. I had the sweetest nurse at the doctor’s office that helped me through it. Initially, she said she was going to show me how to do it and I said no that I needed to do it myself. When she came in the room with the shot, I said to her, “Give it to me.” I opened the packaging, prepared the shot, stared at the needle for the longest time and when it came time to stick myself, it took my quite awhile to get up the nerve to stick myself. I was really proud of myself for doing it. I overcame my fear because I had no other option but to do so. I’m still in pain with the clot, managing it with pain meds again.
I also stayed home from the race last weekend – the doctor would not allow me to work due to my weakened immune system. It was difficult. I still worked from home – handling phone calls and putting out fires while out the house. I also watched every hour of the TV broadcasts all weekend to feel like I was there. I’ll be honest, it was hard. On Saturday night, when they did the flyover and national anthem, I started crying. I wanted to be there so badly. You put so many months of work into one of these weekends and not to be able to be there to see the fruits of your labor is disappointing. It was hard especially, since it was a successful weekend and not to be there for our inaugural event. I’m proud of my team for all they did and can’t thank my counterpart from my sister track who came in for a week to stand in for me. I’m blessed to work with such amazing people.
Chemo thus far has not been easy for me. In two months, I’ve had four good days and it is disappointing. I’ve had days full of tears because it just gets to me that I feel bad so often. It’s also hard feeling like you are in prison of sorts. I go to work and I go home. I never get to go anywhere. I’ve eaten out in a restaurant four times in two months and the bulk of my time I spend at home. I’m thankful for the friends that come over and keep me company and help me with meals, chores, etc. With chemo, the more you rest your body, the better off you are – the more you tax it, the more exhausted you get, which usually results in lots of tears and exhaustion. It amazes me how much sleep my body needs.
Wednesday was my birthday – 09/09/09 – a once in a lifetime birthday called a “golden birthday” that I wish I could’ve celebrated in a big way, but I’m took sick to do so. I’m wondering if there is some hidden message that I had my once in a lifetime birthday while going through a once in a lifetime health battle. Maybe I will be enlightened at some point.
I also met with my breast surgeon on Wednesday. We went over my test results to see how the size of my cancer is shrinking from the chemo and we got great news. Everything is shrinking really well and she was pleased with the progress. We set a surgery date for the mastectomy – November 17. I will spend about 2 days in the hospital recovering and 2 weeks at home. She explained how they determine during the surgery how many lymph nodes are affected with cancer, which determines how many they remove. How many they remove will also determine if I’ll have to battle lymphedema after surgery; let’s hope I don’t. We also picked a plastic surgeon that will be involved with the mastectomy surgery, putting in the extenders to stretch my skin and then will also do the reconstruction once I’m healed, sometime in 2010. The extender part is weird. I’ll start out flat following the mastectomy and little by little they will inflate the extenders to stretch my skin and muscles. I think this process will be strange and I’m sure I’ll feel self-conscious during this process. It will be an awkward time for me as I’ll have no boobs and my hair will be growing out at the same time, so I’m sure I’ll struggle with self-image and feeling pretty during that part of my recovery. I’m hoping by the time the reconstruction happens, my hair will have grown out some and I’ll start to feel like a confident, attractive woman again. Right now, I feel so bad, I don’t care how I look to be honest, but I know feeling attractive will be an issue later on.
Yesterday was my first Taxol chemo treatment – No. 5 of 8, so we’re moving along! Chemo will be done by the end of October, so I’m counting down. The nausea does not seem as bad on Taxol, and the first treatment took six hours to administer, because there is serious concern for allergic reaction on Taxol. Fortunately, yesterday went smoothly without any issue. Some of the most common side effects on Taxol are allergic reaction, numbness in fingertips and toes, plus brittleness of your nails, so far as they could even fall off. Please pray for me that I won’t experience any of those side effects. The doctors still say I will battle fatigue, but I can handle that if I can get rid of the nausea. My doctor also told me yesterday that my blood counts are very low. I have to go in next week to get them tested again if they are still low, I will have to get a blood transfusion, so please pray that my blood counts improve.
Thank you everyone again for your love, support, encouragement and birthday wishes.
With love,
Marcy
I also stayed home from the race last weekend – the doctor would not allow me to work due to my weakened immune system. It was difficult. I still worked from home – handling phone calls and putting out fires while out the house. I also watched every hour of the TV broadcasts all weekend to feel like I was there. I’ll be honest, it was hard. On Saturday night, when they did the flyover and national anthem, I started crying. I wanted to be there so badly. You put so many months of work into one of these weekends and not to be able to be there to see the fruits of your labor is disappointing. It was hard especially, since it was a successful weekend and not to be there for our inaugural event. I’m proud of my team for all they did and can’t thank my counterpart from my sister track who came in for a week to stand in for me. I’m blessed to work with such amazing people.
Chemo thus far has not been easy for me. In two months, I’ve had four good days and it is disappointing. I’ve had days full of tears because it just gets to me that I feel bad so often. It’s also hard feeling like you are in prison of sorts. I go to work and I go home. I never get to go anywhere. I’ve eaten out in a restaurant four times in two months and the bulk of my time I spend at home. I’m thankful for the friends that come over and keep me company and help me with meals, chores, etc. With chemo, the more you rest your body, the better off you are – the more you tax it, the more exhausted you get, which usually results in lots of tears and exhaustion. It amazes me how much sleep my body needs.
Wednesday was my birthday – 09/09/09 – a once in a lifetime birthday called a “golden birthday” that I wish I could’ve celebrated in a big way, but I’m took sick to do so. I’m wondering if there is some hidden message that I had my once in a lifetime birthday while going through a once in a lifetime health battle. Maybe I will be enlightened at some point.
I also met with my breast surgeon on Wednesday. We went over my test results to see how the size of my cancer is shrinking from the chemo and we got great news. Everything is shrinking really well and she was pleased with the progress. We set a surgery date for the mastectomy – November 17. I will spend about 2 days in the hospital recovering and 2 weeks at home. She explained how they determine during the surgery how many lymph nodes are affected with cancer, which determines how many they remove. How many they remove will also determine if I’ll have to battle lymphedema after surgery; let’s hope I don’t. We also picked a plastic surgeon that will be involved with the mastectomy surgery, putting in the extenders to stretch my skin and then will also do the reconstruction once I’m healed, sometime in 2010. The extender part is weird. I’ll start out flat following the mastectomy and little by little they will inflate the extenders to stretch my skin and muscles. I think this process will be strange and I’m sure I’ll feel self-conscious during this process. It will be an awkward time for me as I’ll have no boobs and my hair will be growing out at the same time, so I’m sure I’ll struggle with self-image and feeling pretty during that part of my recovery. I’m hoping by the time the reconstruction happens, my hair will have grown out some and I’ll start to feel like a confident, attractive woman again. Right now, I feel so bad, I don’t care how I look to be honest, but I know feeling attractive will be an issue later on.
Yesterday was my first Taxol chemo treatment – No. 5 of 8, so we’re moving along! Chemo will be done by the end of October, so I’m counting down. The nausea does not seem as bad on Taxol, and the first treatment took six hours to administer, because there is serious concern for allergic reaction on Taxol. Fortunately, yesterday went smoothly without any issue. Some of the most common side effects on Taxol are allergic reaction, numbness in fingertips and toes, plus brittleness of your nails, so far as they could even fall off. Please pray for me that I won’t experience any of those side effects. The doctors still say I will battle fatigue, but I can handle that if I can get rid of the nausea. My doctor also told me yesterday that my blood counts are very low. I have to go in next week to get them tested again if they are still low, I will have to get a blood transfusion, so please pray that my blood counts improve.
Thank you everyone again for your love, support, encouragement and birthday wishes.
With love,
Marcy
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