Life Is Good!

Ok, so I’ve been a bad blogger by not updating lately. In fact a few friends emailed me afraid that something was wrong since I hadn’t updated lately, but in this case, “no news is good news.”

I returned to work on January 4th and have been doing daily radiation treatments each morning at 8:00 a.m. I’ve logged 29 treatments to date and only have four more to go, finishing on Feb. 17 – six and a half weeks of treatment. The first two weeks of radiation were a breeze. The next two weeks I started getting irritation on my skin and by the end of the month, the side effects had really set it – burned skin and fatigue. I’ve been able to work the whole time as after going through chemo and the mastectomy, I can take on anything. I used to be the girl petrified of needles and now, I’m incredibly strong. Bring it on, I’m not scared. I’ve been through hell and have been able to come out the other side with a smile on my face. I’m amazed at how strong I am now.

I’m also in a better place mentally. I was really depressed before Christmas, just feeling so battered and bruised, due to the pain of the surgery and multiple complications. Well, on the first day of radiation, I met a guy named Jeremy. He was going through radiation for brain cancer. He was bald with a big scar across his skull. Radiation wasn’t going well for him – he was nauseas and couldn’t eat – he had lost 35 pounds in 21 days. But what was the most heartbreaking was he had lost his vision and wasn’t sure he’d ever get it back due to the tumor. He couldn’t drive. He couldn’t work. And it BROKE my heart. Here I was, down in the dumps yet I could drive myself to radiation each day AND go to work afterwards. I was able to return to “normal” life. His was changed drastically and probably permanently. I felt guilty for even being down. My counselor calls it “survivor’s guilt.” Anytime I even feel down or want to complain about something, I think about Jeremy and I keep my mouth shut. I’m going to be okay and nothing else much matters after that. Life is good.

Speaking of my counselor, she said she’s proud of me – that I’ve been able to handle everything well and put things into perspective. To be honest, I feel like I’ve been given a gift. I would never want to go through this ride again, but the perspective I’ve gained has been simply life-changing. I think I’m a better person for it. I’m more aware of those that need help. I smile at others more and try to say a kind word. I don’t complain. I don’t get riled up about things and certainly don’t sweat the small stuff. I read a quote that Robin Roberts wrote and to paraphrase, she said, “Before cancer I was rushing through life. I would’ve worked late if I was behind, now I leave, go to bed early, get a good night’s sleep and come back at it tomorrow. Before cancer, I would’ve never done that.” She’s right. I don’t let the stresses of work get to me and realize it is not good for my health. That there are so many things that are out of my control and I do the best I can with the situations I’m dealt. That’s all I can do.

Speaking about not being able to control things, I’m unsure of when I’ll start the reconstruction process again. The docs continually change the timeline and it has ranged anywhere from six weeks to six months. Who knows? I’ve just resigned myself that the boobs will come when they come. Fortunately, they have nothing to do with my health, so there’s no rush, but mentally, it does have consequences. I want to do the right thing and not rush things, but I also feel like my life is on hold until I’m done with all my procedures. I want to get everything done so I can go back to “normal” life and stop being a sick person. I realize my body is just a shell and it doesn’t define who I am, but I also want to feel good about myself. It’s hard to stand tall and feel confident when you have boy hair and only one boob. I try just not to care and realize I’m just glad to be alive at the end of the day.

Next up procedure-wise is my hysterectomy on March 10 and I’ll be out of work four to six weeks. I think the hardest part of this surgery will be the mental aspect of it. I completely know I’m making the right decision for my health and I’ve done the research regarding my fertility: it’s doubtful my period will ever return AND even if it did and I tried to get pregnant, the estrogen levels would be so high making it too risky for me – couple that with the fact that I’m high risk for ovarian cancer, it became a very simple decision. However, I know I have not mourned the loss of my fertility and fully expect to have another downturn emotionally after the surgery when it is final.

An interesting note – I asked my gynecological oncologist/surgeon about the menopausal symptoms following the surgery. He said that if I have any symptoms – mood changes, hot flashes, etc., that I would get them in a few days to one week following the surgery. That quick! He said if I made it through the first month with no symptoms, then I’d probably be off scot-free. Please say a prayer that I won’t have bad symptoms as I can’t take normal menopausal medicines as they have hormones which I can’t have. The only drug they will allow me to be on is one specific anti-depressant and I really don’t want to have to be on drugs again.

On a positive note – I’ve seen my oncologist and breast surgeon recently for follow up appointments and it was cool to see them both with huge smiles on their faces. It was because I looked good again and not like death warmed over. It has got to be so gratifying knowing you saved someone’s life. I can’t even imagine that feeling. I feel so lucky to have the doctors I’ve had and think Piedmont Hospital is the best. I’ve been given such great care and with such compassion and kindness. Their cancer wellness program is amazing. In addition to seeing my counselor for free, I’ve also started taking a Monday night yoga class and it is all cancer survivors in the class. It feels good to be around women who don’t look at you funny when you raise both arms in the air and they aren’t even or you aren’t strong enough to even try the downward dog pose. On my first night, the teacher said to me, “Even if you spend the whole class asleep on your mat, we are glad you are here.” I’m so thankful for these programs because Piedmont believes you treat the whole person, not just the disease – and it has helped me tremendously.

I’m sorry I’ve been so bad about updating, but I’ve just been in the radiation, work and rest grind. It makes for a long day getting out the door so early, but the radiation technicians have been so nice and friendly, it makes going there somewhat enjoyable each morning. It will be weird not to have to go there every morning as I’ve grown accustomed to.

I’m not sure when I’ll update again. We are just a few weeks away from race weekend (March 5-7) and then just three days later is my surgery. I’ll be in the hospital overnight and then recovering at my parents for a week. It probably isn’t a good idea to go home right after as my kitties want to be on my lap all the time. I’ll try to update after the surgery so everyone knows all went well.

Thanks for keeping up with me!

Love,
Marcy